№ 427: A Doubters' (S)Creed

Cut through
the hullabaloo!
Don't believe anything
not demonstrably true.
That includes,
not incidentally,
religion and theories
on the economy.
Having said that,
I'm willing own
there is one truth
that's sublime:
two plus two
is ALWAYS four!
I think.
Most of the time.

№ 426.2: EXTRA! A Very Stable Genius? (hold your horses)

New York Pest: Trump mocked for puzzling statistic on flooding in Carolinas

One the eve of his trip to the Carolinas to survey the damage from Hurricane Florence, President Trump appeared in a video in which he described the storm as “one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water.”

Rain wet.

Snow cold.

Diet Coke.

Hair gold.

Me Donald.

You Jane.

You listen.

Me 'splain.

Jeff Sessions

stick craw.

Me like

Kavanaugh

know how

have fun

grab grope

run run.

Stormy Daniels.

Very meanest

Say I have

funny penis.

Me win

victory!

Why people

mean to me?

Unfair.

Don't care.

I have

great hair.

№ 426.1: EXTRA! No WiffenPOOFS* Need Apply (Bah, Bah, Bah!)

Guardian: 'No accident' Brett Kavanaugh's female law clerks 'looked like models', Yale professor told students

Guardian learns Amy Chua said she would advise students on their physical looks to help win post in Kavanaugh’s chambers

If ya gotta have bitches

as your law clerks —

which, by the way, is ridiculous —

I see no reason not to require

that every one is meticulous-

ly groomed and sexily dressed,

with good looks conspicuous and great figure blessed

and must do always and solely at my behest

what I request which, as you may have guessed,

may include staring at breasts,

lest they desire their careers be suppressed.

This is just how this system works.

It is no coincidence all my guy clerks

look like and act like and are total jerks.

I chose each one of them specifically

because he seemed so like a mini-me.

*Wiffenpoofs

№ 426: The Lion's Share

I, 
as king of beasts, 
insist

grazers exist 
for my nourishment

and, furthermore, 
my “competition” —

leopards, 
jackals, 
cheetahs,
wild dogs 
and hyenas —

merit the punishment 
that I dish out 
and, putting is plainly, 
must be wiped out.*

You entertain
a different belief?
Here's what I say,
“Talk to the teeth.”

File following Disney lie under isn't-it-pretty-to-think-so.

Email subscribers click here.

___________________
*Cf. Carthago delenda est — Cato the Elder

№ 425: Trump And Putin (or Methinks the Laddie Doth Protest Too Much)

(with apologies to Jimmy Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn)

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

This I tell you, brother,

we'd not have one without the other.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

If you ask James Comey,

he'll say things were awfully homey.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Guilty!

Email subscribers click here.

№ 424.1 EXTRA! The Prosecution Rests

This is too easy,

it seems to me.

Do I detect

a guilty plea?

(And this is a guy 

who's allegedly smart?!

Imagine when Mueller

rips Donald apart.)

Email subscribers click here.

[updated 9/18/2018 7:22 pm]

№ 424: Q-Tips For Brains

NYT: A Trail of ‘Bread Crumbs,’ Leading Conspiracy Theorists Into the Wilderness (Paywall)

“Your President needs your help,” writes Q in one “Q drop” — that’s what Q’s followers, or “bakers,” call each bread crumb. . .But Q balances fear-mongering with notes of reassurance. . .The president’s behavior is merely a ruse. The good guys are secretly in control, and they are going to win.

Has anyone anywhere

the slightest clue

as to the identity 

of Anonymous “Q”,

the web boaster posting

crumb-bull-lying cavil

that even a Ouija board

could not unravel?

Naive belief, while

not harmful as such,

has never been known

help all that much.

Too many act on

crap that they read.

Frightened, herd animals

tend to stampede.

№ 423.3: EXTRA! So In Awe Of Kavanaugh

Politico: Alumnae of girls school attended by Kavanaugh accuser circulate letter backing her

Alumnae of the Holton-Arms School in Bethesda, Maryland, circulated a letter Monday in support of Christine Blasey Ford, a graduate of the private girls school who alleged that she was sexually assaulted by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh when they were both in high school.

Kavanaugh and accuser to both testify.

Reboot “Hill - Thomas: She Says, He Lies”?

(I've heard it said,

and this no joke,

Donald asked Clarence

where he gets his Coke.)

№ 423.2: EXTRA! Encore! Encore! Even More On Kavanaugh

The Church of Rome advocates, without hesitation,

this wonderful trick: “mental reservation”*.

Without blushing, lies you can tell

when you require that truth be withheld
and never worry about going to hell.

While I do not wish to be critical,

N.B. Kavanaugh's prep school was Jesuitical.

_______

*According to the common Catholic teaching it is never allowable to tell a lie, not even to save human life. A lie is something intrinsically evil, and as evil may not be done that good may come of it, we are never allowed to tell a lie. However, we are also under an obligation to keep secrets faithfully, and sometimes the easiest way of fulfilling that duty is to say what is false, or to tell a lie. Writers of all creeds and of none, both ancient and modern, have frankly accepted this position. They admit the doctrine of the lie of necessity, and maintain that when there is a conflict between justice and veracity it is justice that should prevail. The common Catholic teaching has formulated the theory of mental reservation as a means by which the claims of both justice and veracity can be satisfied. — The Catholic Encyclopedia

[updated 9/17/2018 3:13
 pm]

№ 423.1: EXTRA! Lighting Fools The Way To Dusty Death

Dying 16 September in 1498:

Tomás de Torquemada,

first Grand Inquisitor.

That his methods may now 

seem somewhat quaint,

why should that stop him 

from becoming a saint?

In his day he was sort of okay.

That's what they say in 

The Catholic Encyclopedia.

Though it might pose a problem 

with Israel's Chief Rabbinate,

he'd be a near perfect fit

for Donald Trump's cabinet.

№ 423: Breaking Brett?

WSJ: Brett Kavanaugh Accuser Comes Forward About Alleged Sexual Assault (Paywall)

Allegation of decades-old incident comes days before Senate panel votes on the Supreme Court nominee

WSJ: Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh Denies Allegation of Sexual Misconduct (Paywall)

Judiciary Committee Chairman Sen. Chuck Grassley (R., Iowa) on Friday released a letter from 65 women who knew Judge Kavanaugh when he attended high school between 1979 and 1983.

“For the entire time we have known Brett Kavanaugh, he has behaved honorably and treated women with respect. We strongly believe it is important to convey this information to the Committee at this time,” the women said in the letter.

Brett Kavanaugh was your typical preppy,

having taken and passed the birth test.

Pedigreed preppies never drink underage

and what is more they're allergic to sex.

Brett's very first time was his wedding bed

where Brett and the missus just talked instead.

And, really, so what,

if, long, long ago,

Brett attempted a rape

and just scored a grope?

So long as Brett sticks to

his pro-lifer views,

everything else

is yesterday's news.

Brett'll be better,

trust us, we promise,

even then pubic-hair Coke

Justice Thomas.

Not only is Brett

far, far more right,

although Brett's a Catholic,

he's also more white.

The Week In Rearview (September 16, 2018)

Monday, September 10
№ 418: A Nonny Mouse (or FEAR itself)
A Letter To The Editor of The @FailingTimes:

Tuesday, September 11
№ 419: A Trumpestuous Earworm
Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Wednesday, September 12
№ 420: GOP Labor Strategy (or why Dems can't win)
We were never in favor

of organized labor.

Thursday, September 13
№ 421: The FOX In The Penthouse
FOX News

Friday, September 14
№ 422: Fake Out Your Dead
Despite evidence showing nearly 3,000 people were killed, US president tweets that figure is scheme ‘to make me look bad’

№ 422.1: EXTRA! Manafort Overboard! (White House reacts)
Prosecutor announces arrangement during hearing in Washington DC where Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges

№ 422.2: EXTRA! Courting Disaster?
“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation,” the judge said in a written statement released through the White House. “I did not do this back in high school or at any time.”

Email subscribers: Saturday, September 1 – Friday, September 7

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