892: Special Relativity

DARK MATTER (July 2) —

“IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE!”

Though it's but a virus

and can’t reproduce on its own.

It’s like a meme,

although it has genes

which turn you into its home,

commandeering your body

in order to breed

and though it may harm you

it pays you no heed —

as we’ve done to Earth,

with a great deal less fuss.

Turns out corona is just like us.

891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

890: A Pestilential Reverie

DREAMLAND (June 30) — 

This virus must be a Democrat.

It wants to make me look bad.

It is a front. Another witch hunt.

Here's what I say: SO SAD!

Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pil-lousy,

I know these Eye-tal-ian names!

I worked with the Mafia back in New York.

These too aren't the same.

I will not wear a mask.

It would ruin my mood

and get in the way

of my Coke® and junk food.

I always loved the Confederacy.

Still will whatever occurs.

Somebody said Confederate draft boards

issued exemptions for guys with bone spurs.

I'm in the same party as Lincoln.

Not many people know that.

Back in the day, we Republican racists

called ourselves Democrats.

If THEY cheat and I am defeated . . .

well, what has to be just has to be.

However, I have an excellent offer

to be president of the Confederacy.

I can see me carved on Stone Mountain

with Davis and Jackson and Lee.

In time they all fade away,

leaving only the mountain and me.

Time. I have none for the Bible.

And, yet, Christian I am.

Once (maybe twice) I glanced at the index

but, try as I might, I could not find my name.

Who knows how history will see me?

At this point it's too soon to say.

Regardless Rudy, my consigliere,

is paying historians to sign NDAs.

889: Kayleigh Wouldn't Lie (she promised)

Trump: I was not told about ‘Russian bounties’ plot because it was not credible

Russian military intelligence unit secretly offered cash to Taliban militants for successful attacks on coalition troops in Afghanistan

Donald Trump, right, meets with Russian president Vladimir Putin during a G-20 summit in Osaka, Japan on 28 June 2019. Photograph: Susan Walsh/AP

Donald Trump has said intelligence about a Russian plot to offer bounties to Taliban militants in exchange for fatal attacks on coalition troops in Afghanistan was not “credible” and was therefore not reported to him.

Top administration officials, including members of Trump’s national security council, have been discussing the Russian bounty offer for months, the New York Times first reported.

Earlier on Sunday, Trump claimed never to have heard about the Russian offer – and he questioned whether such an offer had been made.

Warnings about the suspected Russian plot were sent up the intelligence chain in January, the Times reported.

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany issued a statement Saturday denying that Trump had been briefed but saying “this does not speak to the merit of the alleged intelligence”.

INNER WORKINGS (June 29) —

What didn’t I know?

When didn’t I know it?

Everything.

All of the time.

I already knew

what I needed to know.

And knowing that,

I knew I was fine.

Experts. 

The people who say they know stuff?

Really know nothing. I say they’re bluffing.

With an enormous brain nearly big as my butt,

I don’t need “intelligence”. I’ve got my gut.

Meetings and briefings. So damned much squawking.

I only listen when I am talking.
I need no “facts”. “Facts” can not faze me.
I only listen when people praise me.
I love when they speak of my fabulous wealth,
but when I need it done right, I do it myself.

888.1: EXTRA! I'll Tell Ya What I'd Do

FROM INSIDE THE LIAR’S LAIR (June 29) —

If Sleepy Joe were smart like me, 

he’d call me “Donnie the Con Man”.

“Don the Con”, when you wanna go short.

A perfect fit. A biting retort.

Suits me to “T”. (It IS my initial).

So, I would say, that makes it official.

And as a clincher to cut through the clatter,

he could say something like, “Trump's Lies Matter!”

888: Soliloquy From A Half-Scottish Play

BURN HIM WOULD COME TO DUNCE IN HAY (June 28) —

Some, they say, are dead?

They should have died hereafter.

To shut the country would be absurd.

Corona and corona and corona

leaps from place to place and day to day.

If I do not blame China all the time

I will lose yesteryear’s benighted fools

and face electoral death. Blow out my candle . . .

I'll be a lumb'ring shadow, a betrayer

who strut and fret, was dour upon the stage,

to be heard no more? Be thought a stale!

A friggin' idiot! Fool of sound and fury!

Signifying no thing?

№ 887.3: EXTRA! You Don't Understand

Trump deletes tweet of supporter shouting ‘white power’ after outrage

Deputy press secretary claims Trump had not heard the racist language of video he tweeted that was posted for nearly four hours

The tweet was deleted after it drew fierce criticism from across the political spectrum, including from Tim Scott of South Carolina, the sole African American Republican in the Senate.

“There’s no question that he should not have retweeted it and he should just take it down,” Scott told CNN’s “State of the Union” program.

“It was so profanity laced, the entire thing was offensive. Certainly, the comment about the white power was offensive. It’s indefensible. We should take it down.”

I NEVER SAID AND I WAS KIDDING WITCH, HUNT, I NEVER DO, SO THERE (June 28) —

I thought the guy said, “White powder!”.

You know, white POWDER. Snow!

Needles to say, I did not think cocaine.

(Which I never tried. As you know.)

I thought the guy was skiing,

riding a snowmobile.

Some of my best servants are Black.

So come on, what’s the big deal?

How can anyone say I’m a racist?

After all, I'm my daddy’s son.

My father, although he was kind of a NAZI,

rented apartments to anyone

white and not overbright.

That’s how slumlording is done.

Don’t believe me? Just go ask Jared.

Jared. My favorite son.

Whose one of the chosen ones.