Friday, May 15, 2020

№ 857.1: EXTRA! Believer's Creed (why I needn't stay home nor wear a mask)

Poll found 31% feel strongly that God is telling humanity to change with the same number feeling that somewhat


WISHFUL THINKING (May 15) —
I believe this virus is God's subtle way
to punish His numinous enemies,
and, as such, I see no reason
to alter my daily activities,
knowing my God is by side
in everything I say and do
and He approves whatever it is
I, every day, choose to do.
For He is my shepherd and I am His sheep,
whether a ram or a ewe,
and He watches over me, awake and asleep,
apparently, He's nothing better to do
than follow me on my daily rounds —
yes, I know, that sounds astounding —
the Almighty, universal creator, wasting His time on,
what you could call, a mere groundling,
an insignificant mote in His eye,
unworthy of His attention,
but we have this thing, my God and I,
a reciprocal reason suspension.
Ignoring logic, observation, and science
I say He IS and He thinks I AM.
I know this is true, for I am sure
of all Creation God picked me
to tell everyone what He'd have them do.
My proof? When asked,
He does not contradict me!

№ 857: Worsery Rhymes

TIMELESS (May 14) 
Eeny, meeny, whiney, why
does Donnie want us all to die
How did we elect this guy?
Eeny, meeny, whiney. WHY?


Baa, baa, black sheep
we simply have to say,
you do not belong here
you must go away.
This pasture is for WHITE sheep,
so go back from whence you came.
(And whenever something’s wrong,
Donnie’s not to blame)


Humpty Trumpty:
“Must build my wall.
Coronavirus? Gone by the fall.
When thanks to Mitchy, SCOTUS, and Putin,
I am, for the first time, re-elected again.”


In re: corona virus,
people most desirous.
Birx and Fauci,
please don't let us down.


Donnie will never eat lamb
so long as there’s McDonald’s.
He likes food that shares his name
and women who let him fondle.


Like Julius Cæsar, Don wants a crown.
They share, you could say, a persona.
Cæsar, alas, in his prime was struck down,
while Donnie got stuck with Corona.


People tell Donnie compared to him,
calling Julius a loser is valid.
Donnie has burgers named after him,
while Cæsar has only a salad.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

№ 856: Repeal And Displace Revisited

DUCK AND (NON-)COVERAGE (May 13) —
Under TRUMPCARE®  your coverage depends
entirely upon how much you spend
your contribution to the economy.
If it's too little, you forfeit autonomy
and can be used in any experiment
for which we need chimpanzees.
If you survive you may well benefit
from acquired immunity to new diseases.

TRUMPCARE® will advance the health of the nation
while it reduces surplus population.
Please rest assured, whatever occurs,
it will never cure chronic bone spurs.

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

№ 855: Afterlife — The Republican Christian Perspective

ANTICIPATION (May 12) —
The poor will always be with us.
We just have to shorten their stay.
They take up space. They spoil the view.
And, in general, they get in the way.

The poor will always be with us.
That's why we have to have wars.
The poor make excellent fodder for cannons.
In peacetime they sweep our floors.

The poor will always be with us.
It is as Jesus decreed.
But in his generous beneficence,
the Lord God gave us more than we need.

The poor will always be with us.
Until God sends them to hell.
After which we'll look down from heaven,
smile and laugh while they writhe and yell.

At home with Our Lord, free of the poor,
how will we maintain delusions of grandeur?

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

№ 854: Trump 2020 Strategy (a cunning plan)

A DONNIE STATE OF MIND (May 11) 
Ignore polls that say I'm behind.
They’re all fake. They’re all fraud. They’re all phony.
They say I’m losing, but nevermind.
Everyone knows that’s baloney.
As per usual, polls miss the boat,
thinking we’ll let Democrats vote
in GOP states in contention
where, pardon me, did I mention,
voting is rigged to assure my majority
condemning Dems to the minority?

One man one vote? Forget it, Finnegan!
The country is now a Trump Condominium.

Monday, May 11, 2020

№ 853: Donnie's Much To Do About Nothing List

CASTLE CREEP (May 11)
Save the economy.
Establish priorities.
Take care of Americans.
Except minorities.
Okay . . . JEWS:
Ivanka and Jared.
(Why did I ever
let her get married?)


Assure meat supply.
(Animal slaughter!!!)
Make sure illegals
do what they ought to —
make wings and burgers
or face deportation.
Say they’re “essential”.
(For the duration.
Then send them back
and do not pay them.)


No one traveling
by air anywhere.
Concerned about Boeing.
Airbus? Don’t care.
Makes me look bad.
People in breadlines.
Reopen the restaurants.
Ignore the “deadlines”.


Sports, of course,
gotta restart ‘em.
Distract the masses 
as things fall apart.
Question statistics.
How many dead?
Say it’s exaggerated,
if CNN said it.
Frown at the deaths.
Acknowledge the tauma.
Blame everything
on crooked Obama.
Worst president ever!
Keep up attack.
(Leave to others 
to mention he’s black.)


Gotta get out.
Have me a rally.
Shoot me some golf.
Blame Silicon Valley?
All of those actually
rich technocrats
funnelling money
to Democrats.


Return country
to land of the living.
Zombie economy
makes folks unforgiving.
Even my diehards
may duck and run
if on Fifth Avenue
I shoot someone.


I pull it off,
bring it all back to life,
I get reward:
hot, young new wife.