No. 297: Ghost Writers In The White House

(with apologies to Stan Jones and Glen Campbell, Roy Clark and Johnny Cash)



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The president woke up early on a dark and gloomy morn.

Reaching for his phone, he tweeted out a storm,

“There never was collusion and why would it be so bad

to cooperate with Russia and with my old pal Vlad?”

His tiny thumbs on fire, misspellings filled the screen,

fretful and frustrated he vented angry spleen.

A bolt of fear went through him as he pondered what might come

if Mueller flipped Don Jr. and the boy stopped being dumb.

Putin I owe, Putin I pay!

Bob Mueller go away.

He rose from bed, his bathrobe soaked with Diet Coke and sweat.

“They're all coming after me but they ain't caught me yet”,

he mumbled as he fumbled with his hair spray and his comb,

“It's not my fault anyway,” as from his mouth spilled foam.

He switched on fifty TVs to watch fifty shades of FOX,

“Mueller thinks he's got me, but I'm not in a box

I'll start a war and bomb Warsaw, Korea and Iran.

They'll never take me down, Donald Trump I am.”

Putin I owe, Putin I pay!

Bob Mueller go away
Putin I owe, Putin I pay!

Bob Mueller go away.

Bonus track

No. 296: The Lovesong Of Donald J. Trump

(with apologies to T. S. Eliot and Dante Alighieri)

“S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse

A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,

Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.

Ma penciocche gammai di questo fondo

Non torno viva alcun, s'i'odo il vero,

Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo”*

When I see Vlad P.

it makes me think

what would it be like

if we met for a drink?

Though I don't drink,

I have to say

looking at Vlad,

I wish I was gay.

He seems so strong,

so self-possessed.

Could I rest my head

on his manly chest?

Then with my head

lying peacefully there,

would he run his hands

through what's left of my hair?

Would it disturb the universe

if Vlad played doctor

while I played his nurse?

I have, as you know,

“been with” a porn star,

but oh how I long

to “be with” the Tsar.

_________________________________

*“If I thought that my reply were given to anyone who might return to the world, this flame would stand forever still; but since never from this deep place has anyone returned alive, if what I hear is true, without fear of infamy I answer thee.” — “Inferno”

No. 295.1: EXTRA! From The Trump Family Archives (DO NOT DISCLOSE)

     As a real estate executive and reality TV star, Donald J. Trump tightly controlled his image by insisting that everyone around him sign nondisclosure agreements. . .
     A few months into his presidency, Mr. Trump. . .ordered Reince Priebus, then his chief of staff, to do the same thing in the West Wing.
     The nondisclosure agreement, presented by Mr. Priebus to the senior staff last April. . .was an early indication that Mr. Trump, who spent decades using pressure tactics and secrecy in his private life, wanted to do the same thing at the White House. . . .

— NYT:  White House Job Requirement: Signing a Nondisclosure Agreement (Paywall)

[updated 3/21/2018, 7:11 pm]

No. 295: A Brief History Of Evil

Can you conceive of

of an evil amœba,

a diaphanous, single-cell floater?

Unlike paramecia,
they are without cilia:

they cannot glide

across a glass slide 

as they die
for our merriment

in a junior high  

science experiment.

Our ancestral Cro Magnon

proved an unfit companion

for the European Neanderthal.

Invading their homeland

he promptly disowned them.

Evidently they couldn't play “hardball”.

Y'all'll recall

what goodoleboy Saul

did unto the Amalekites*?

(Now, I ain't sayin' Team A

wudda treated Team J

any better if things

went the other way. . . .

What I am sayin' is

from time primeval,

in times tough or easy

humans is evil.)

Were there evil dinosaurs?

Are there now evil wolves?

Was anything evil before ourselves?

Actually, there's not much to discuss.

If evil exists, it's because of us.

________________________________________________
*Please see 1 Samuel 15:3

No. 294.1: EXTRA! A Limited Time Opportunity

WaPo: Star GOP attorney Theodore B. Olson declines offer to join Trump legal team (Paywall)

NYT: Ex-Playboy Model Karen McDougal Sues to Break Silence on Trump (Paywall)

LATimes: The last male northern white rhino has died, spelling probable extinction for the species (Paywall)

WSJ: Trump’s Stormy History: The Seven-Year Battle Between the President and the Porn Star

 (Paywall)

Oh Donnie, oh Donnie

why can't you see

it's nearing time

to cop a plea.

Resign in disgrace

leaving God's servant,

Pence, in your place.

Here is the deal,

no need ot appeal:

Pence will go on

to grant your pardon.

If you think this unfair

it is much less crueler

than leaving you to

the mercy of Mueller

who in unearthing

the depth of your crime

has got you looking at

years of hard time.

Yes, “Club Fed” would

treat you gently

but it is a penitentiary.

I hear from a source,

there is no golf course.

No gilded suites,

no banging hot honeys

between golden sheets.

Furthermore — THIS IS NOT A JOKE! —

there's NO BUTTON to summon

unending Big Macs and Diet Cokes,

let alone a button for when you're

in the mood for a nuclear war.

Don't look at it as though

you've been defeated.

While you can, GO!

This offer may not be repeated.

No. 294: Building Wall

What's a wall for?
Well, that depends.
When in between
neighbors and friends,
a wall defines the property line:
that side is yours,
this side is mine.

But, when politics tends autocratic,

the role of a wall gets more dramatic.

Walls then become the perfect spot

for lining up enemies and having them shot.

No. 293: Donnie's Song

(with apologies to William M Backer / Roger F. Cook / Roquel Davis / Roger Greenaway)

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I'd like to be the U.S. king

and rule by pure decree

I would do just as I please

and do spectacularly

First of all I'd build my wall

and lock up Hillary

I'd go to Mars and date porn stars

with impunity

I'd like to see Bob Mueller try

to pin my crimes me

I'd have him shot there on the spot

just like Vlad and Xi

(That's the king I'd be)

I'd tell the pope that he's a dope

you bet, yessiree.

Ban immigrants and their infants

and end democracy

No. 292.3: EXTRA! Cousin Marriage? Do Not Disparage

     The humanzee is both scientifically possible and morally defensible.

     It is a bit of a stretch, but by no means impossible or even unlikely that a hybrid or a chimera combining a human being and a chimpanzee could be produced in a laboratory.

     If that prospect isn’t shocking enough, here is an even more controversial suggestion: Doing so would be a terrific idea.

— Nautilus: It’s Time to Make Human-Chimp Hybrids

Many consider this reprehensible,

but “The humanzee is. . .

scientifically possible 

and morally defensible.”

Though this may 

strike some as absurd,

we could call the result 

Donald J. Trump III.

(This would not be 

the only time where

someone named Trump 

had funny hair.)

Don't be put off and think this harebrained,

if you click the link you'll see Putin explained*.

________________________________________________________

*During the 1920s, a Russian biologist with the marvelously Slavic name Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov appears to have made the first serious, scientifically informed efforts to create a genetic hybrid between chimpanzees and human beings. . . .it was Ivanov who made the most serious efforts at combining human and nonhuman apes.

No. 292.2: EXTRA! Jared's Signature Moves; Kushner Ain't Kosher

    While none of the documents during a three-year period when Kushner was chief executive bore his signature, they provide a window into the ethics of the empire he ran before he became one of the most trusted presidential advisers.

     Housing Rights Initiative found the Kushner Companies filed at least 80 false applications for construction permits in 34 buildings across New York City from 2013 to 2016, all indicating there were no rent-regulated tenants. Tax documents show there were more than 300 rent-regulated units. Nearly all the permit applications were signed by a Kushner employee, sometimes the chief operating officer.

— Guardian: Jared Kushner's company routinely filed false New York City paperwork

All I have to say

(I agree it's abhorrent)

but you won't find Adolf's sig (heil?) either

on any — let's call them —  Third Reich warrant.