Friday, November 2, 2018

№ 457: “Illegals”, it takes one to no one

“Illegals” — okay —
are NOT, so YOU say,
“subject to jurisdiction”.
It follows, therefore,
they can't break our law,
be arrested or face conviction.
Whenever/wherever we may discover 'em,
according to YOU, the law doesn't cover 'em.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

№ 456.1: EXTRA! From the Crown Prince's Secret Diary



Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman described slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi as a dangerous Islamist days after his disappearance in a phone call with President Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and national security adviser John Bolton, according to people familiar with the discussion.


Soon as I’m done with the phone call to Jared,
I’ll go online and buy stuff from Harrods.
Something that’s nice, something that’s choice
something to go with another Rolls Royce.


I think it’ll be an interesting twist:
calling Khashoggi an Islamist.
Though his murder was, I think now, a mistake,
Jared is always so easy to fake.


Unlike my dad, who in his senility,
is starting to question my culpability.
He asked just now, and it made me wince,
“Who the hell taught you to act like a prince?”


“I said a hundred times  or was it once?
I need a Royal Prince, not a Royal Dunce!
Why can't you be more like that nice boy Jared?
Sometimes Oy vish vas ha Joo Oy had married!”

№ 456: Consti-what-shun?

WSJ: Trump Wants to Curb Birthright Citizenship, Escalating Immigration Debate


Legal scholars dismiss the idea, saying a president lacks standing to do it on his own

In an interview published Tuesday morning, just ahead of next week’s midterms, Mr. Trump said he planned an executive order to end what is known as birthright citizenship, bypassing Congress and waving off the belief of many legal scholars that such a move would require a change to the Constitution.

“It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don’t,” he told Axios. “It’s in the process. It’ll happen, with an executive order.”

As president I can do what I like.
Because if I can't. . .where's the fun?
I can, if I want, have someone shot,
then charge them for use of the gun.

I learned all this stuff from my boy, Stephen Miller.
(He reminds me so much of Roy Cohn.)
Although he resembles a serial killer,
he's more like a Mafia don.

Steve, when he's near, fills folks with fear.
Like my boy Roy, his smile is a sneer.
Two of a kind. My kinda guys.
Don'cha just love their really dead eyes?

Two of a kind: Roy Cohn and Stephen Miller











NYT: Trump Attacks Ryan, Who Scoffed at Birthright Citizenship Plan (Paywall)


In a Twitter post on Wednesday, Mr. Trump presented his own legal argument: “It is not covered by the 14th Amendment because of the words ‘subject to the jurisdiction thereof,’ ” . . .

With judges who say corporations are people,
then rule people need homes full of guns,
there’s no reason to think undoing amendments
won’t be considered great fun.

Our GOP's quick on the draw to hold up uphold the law.
(Sweetest damned thing that you ever saw!)
We'll fix what is wrong. People will cheer.
And Brett Kavanaugh can have him a beer.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

№ 455: SPOILER ALERT!

Guardian: Humanity has wiped out 60% of animal populations since 1970, report finds


The huge loss is a tragedy in itself but also threatens the survival of civilisation, say the world’s leading scientists

Many scientists believe the world has begun a sixth mass extinction, the first to be caused by a species – Homo sapiens. Other recent analyses have revealed that humankind has destroyed 83% of all mammals and half of plants since the dawn of civilisation and that, even if the destruction were to end now, it would take 5-7 million years for the natural world to recover.

The biggest cause of wildlife losses is the destruction of natural habitats, much of it to create farmland. Three-quarters of all land on Earth is now significantly affected by human activities. Killing for food is the next biggest cause – 300 mammal species are being eaten into extinction – while the oceans are massively overfished, with more than half now being industrially fished.

Forget 
the Black Plague.
Forget 
Spanish Flu.
Forget your
World War.
Part I 
and Part II.
What we have here
is more Chicxulub.

Chicxulub?

The meteor crater
off Yucatan
that meant the end 
of Dinosaurland,
clearing a swath
for mammals to thrive,
the ONLY-est reason
we are alive. 

We,
a feeble species
with tiny paws.
Instead of
glorious dinosaurs.

We have been always
an impulsive species
given to wallowing
deep in our feces.
Vigilant, ever
on the alert.
Finding new ways
to make all things hurt.
Believing, always,
we have a plan
that will not earn us
a kick in the can.

Even with 
our incredible flaws,
we are still smarter
than dinosaurs.
Unlike us,
they didn't THINK.
They needed a meteor
to take them extinct.
Meteor, schmeator.
Su-per-flu-ous!
Wanna see MASS extinction?
Leave it to US!

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

№ 454: Realpolitik — making tomorrow's problems today

NYTTHE TRAGEDY OF SAUDI ARABIA’S WAR (Paywall)


CHEST HEAVING AND EYES FLUTTERING, the 3-year-old boy lay silently on a hospital bed in the highland town of Hajjah, a bag of bones fighting for breath.

The harshest criticism of the Saudi-led war has focused on the airstrikes that have killed thousands of civilians at weddings, funerals and on school buses, aided by American-supplied bombs and intelligence.

Children are starving?
That's truly tragic!
If we could (somehow) 
fix this by magic,
we would.
IF we could.

BUT. . .if babies die

cuz our ally-pal Saudis
use weapons we sell them
fighting these Houthis —
backed by Iran. . .
IRAN?
You. . .understand. . .

We have this. . .plan

to. . .undo Iran.
Like we did, glory be,
in 1953.
You remember, no doubt,
how that one turned out?
Bad guys o'erthrown,
Shah on the throne?
And then Iran
left the oil co’s alone?

We really do. . .pity

these kiddies’ plight
and hope everything (somehow)
comes out all right.

BUT. . .since they are Muslim,

we note (with regret),
if they grow up,
they could pose a threat.

Due to an editing error, the email version of № 452.3: EXTRA! May We Please Be Excused? contained errors. Click here for corrected text.




Monday, October 29, 2018

№ 453: A Prayer For Evangelials

However much (SAD) Lib-er-als, “Hrumpf!”
we Evangelicals will always love our Mein Trump.
Although we know he's not one of our guys 
we still will support him because otherwise
we will never – EV-ER! – accomplish our goal:
to forcefully save your unworthy/unwilling soul
from Darwin and rational secularism
with our legislative mass exorcism.
First, we took state legislatures to reapportion
congressional districts and outlaw abortion.
Soon we'll be in total control,
free to command. No need to cajole!
For who in CREATION knows better than we
what OUR God demands from humanity?

Sunday, October 28, 2018

№ 452.3: EXTRA! May We Please Be Excused?

WaPo: Pence: Don’t link political rhetoric to Pittsburgh synagogue shooting (Paywall)



Vice President Pence has rejected suggestions that the inflammatory rhetoric from President Trump and others in the Republican Party has contributed to the rise of political violence, arguing that members of both parties engage in heated debate.
Pence made the remarks in an interview with NBC News after Saturday’s Pittsburgh synagogue shooting, in which 11 people were killed and six wounded. The incident was the deadliest attack on Jews in U.S. history.
Pontius Pilate cannot be blamed.
He thought killing Jesus was a helluva shame.
Ponty was only doing his job.
Confronting that Goddamn unruly mob
threatening Rome's province with total disorder,
from sea to desert, from water to border.
And Ponty knew he had nothing to lose.
If the whole thing went south, they'd blame the Jews.

To our own Bumptious Pilot, Ponty bears no relation.
Let’s thank God for Donald. Commence celebration.

[updated 10/28/2018, 11:05 pm]