No. 282.2: EXTRA! NRA Thinks Outside The (Ammo) Box (a pressing release)

Everyone knows guns are pure fun.

They make it safer for everyone.

F'rinstance:

if more women were thought to pack heat,

there's some fellas who might be discrete,

slower to give in to their inner ape,

decreasing the frequency of so-called date rape.

Oh, sure, the body count might shoot somewhat up

and a guy'd (maybe) pause before, “Hey, baby, 'sup?”

And maybe some gals would off a few beaus,

but think of the uptick for gun sales and ammo.

[Updated 3/3/2018, 1:00 pm]

No. 282.1: EXTRA! TGIF (A Confession)

On Friday, we at DD are always excited

wondering who Mueller will say he's indicted.

Weighting which names, planning our rhymes,

as we strive to anticipate what alleged crimes

will be cataloged in so many pages —

will the perps roll while Donald rages

on Twitter that there was no collusion

while the rest of us come to a different conclusion?

As I conclude, would it be rude,

would I be revealing my own attitude, dude,

were I to allude to how royally we're screwed?

Whether it's Trump or in his (please God!) absence Pence,

we may already be in the past tense.

No. 282: The Cad Of Uniform Military Just Ass

Should President Trump put on a uniform?

Something militaristic so as to conform

with the notion that as head of the nation

he is already in motion to repel an invasion?

                                                                                    medium.com
The Emperor's Old Clothes

Then, boy oh boy, he'd stand next to Putin

who'd look so stupid with some dumb old suit on.

And to warn China's Xi against acting bolder,

Donald could dress as a ceramic soldier.

                                                                                          TCCN
Xi Whiz

No. 281.2: EXTRA! Donald Tweets Congress And Mueller

No. 281.1: EXTRA! FBI Spokesperson On Fake Trump Nobel Nom

President Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this year — but by an apparently fraudulent submission that the FBI has been asked to investigate.

–  Washington Times: FBI asked to probe forged Trump nomination for Nobel Peace Prize

Unfortunately, after receiving the document,

our forensic team went home with the flu.

Therefore, we can't say when we'll get on to it,

but we'll let you know when we do.

Okay, okay, our prelim take:

it's a shoddy, poorly-done, obvious fake.

But by who?
There is no smoking gun.

Under blue light we do see what might be

greasy smudges from hamburger buns.

But I will swear we did not find there

the least trace of a strand of long golden hair.

No. 281: A More Perfect 10 (a Trumpoline mash-up)

I.

I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have any gods before me.	Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances

Free speech? Free press?
If you're a Christian or Jewish Capitalist.
Assembling allowed
for church on Sunday.
Redress of grievances?
Well. . .maybe someday.

II.

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Idols are fine.

Indeed, they're fun.

Especially if

they carry a gun.

III.

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

If swearing soldiery

is not allowed,
no matter where
or how they are housed,

our Army will not

make much of a crowd.

IV.

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Those who keep holy the Sabbath day

don't need these “rights” really now do they?

After all, if with the Good Lord you abide,

what could you possibly have need to hide?

V.

Honor your father and your mother.

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

If you obey your Mom and Dad,

they'll probably say you're never bad.

If you are white, polite, have a nice smile

you should never need to stand trial.

VI.

You shall not murder.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

A White Christian male “standing his ground”,

who confronting some [REDACTED]

is quick on the trigger?

We cannot see where there's fault to be found.

VII.

You shall not commit adultery.

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

We all “adult”.

No harm, no foul.

(And what can you get today

for twenty bucks anyway?)

VIII.

You shall not steal.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Steal? Steal? What you mean “steal”?

I'll not post bail and I'll appeal.

You'll never repeal my Art of the Deal.

IX.

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people

“False testimony”?

What and idea!

All I say is true.

Or so I hear

on the box

as I watch FOX.

I've the right to disparages

and multiple marriages.

X.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, or property.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people

I never covet. I see. I take!

I mean, come on. Give me a break!

I'm uninhibited.

I can't be prohibited.

It's my right as a “people”

can THAT be agreed?

Both Lindsay and Jeff say
the South can secede.

No. 280.3: EXTRA! Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

BBC News: Hope Hicks: Close Trump aide to resign

The 29-year-old former model and ex-Trump Organization employee has been by Mr Trump's side for years.

She is reported to have told colleagues she felt she had accomplished all she could in the White House.

So, so long, dear Hope.

You were totally “dope”.

Does your departure

seek to avail

an opportunity

to spend less time in jail?

And, that said,

may we add that abuser Rob Porter

had better treat you

in the way that he orta.

[updated 10/10/2018 10:42 am: Почему он популярен в России?]

No. 280.2: EXTRA! Sessions Repressions (my kingdom for a gun?)

In a message that takes some liberties with the facts, Trump wrote, “Why is A.G. Jeff Sessions asking the Inspector General to investigate potentially massive FISA abuse. Will take forever, has no prosecutorial power and already late with reports on Comey etc. Isn’t the I.G. an Obama guy? Why not use Justice Department lawyers? DISGRACEFUL!”

— WaPo: Trump lashes out at attorney general over alleged surveillance abuses (Paywall)

It would take a Caligula

or maybe a Nero

to turn Jefferson Sessions

into a hero.

Even our Donald isn't that bad.

(Though you do have to wonder,

does this make him “SAD!”?)

Does knowing now how he

yearns to face gunmen,

make his Secret Service

even more nervous?

Have they decided

what's to be done

when he says, 

“Give me your gun!”?

Do they fear he might,

with lust in his eye,

say to some woman,

“Kiss me or die!”?

No. 280.1: EXTRA! Testify (and Hope?)

WASHINGTON — Hope Hicks, the White House communications director, told House investigators on Tuesday that her work for President Trump, who has a reputation for exaggerations and outright falsehoods, had occasionally required her to tell white lies
— NYT: Hope Hicks Acknowledges She Sometimes Tells White Lies for Trump (Paywall)

          Hope springs eternal
          sometimes, infernal.
          So, dear Ms. Hicks,
          show us some tricks.

No. 280: Trump Denies Collusion (Again!)

Trump has dismissed investigations into Russian interference in the US election – and potential collusion between Trump aides and Moscow – as a partisan exercise. 

— Guardian: NSA chief: Trump 'has not ordered disruption of Russia election meddling'

Okay. Times up. Game over. Enough.

I am sick and tired of this Russia stuff.

The idea that Team Trump ever colluded

must be, from now on, forever excluded.

Maybe Junior and Jared

met with some Russians.

Those talks, if they happened,

were friendly discussions

on topics of mutual interest, you see.

That's not collusion. That's synergy.

No. 279.1: EXTRA! Kushner's Intelligence Questioned

WASHINGTON — Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law and senior adviser, has been stripped of his high-level security clearance. . .

The move comes after John F. Kelly, the White House chief of staff, recently moved to overhaul the security clearance process at the White House. . .

— NYT: Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Downgraded (Paywall)

Just a sec to while I check,

peruse breaking news.

I need to make sure

this is not horse manure.

         .

         .

         .

Nope, it's fact,

Jared needs to be frisked.

Trump's son-in-law's

a security risk.

Is this about Russia?

Is Ivanka too shrewish?

Has it to do with

the fact that he's Jewish?

What is wrong,

what is the deal?

Is he Mossad,

does he work for Israel?

That is the question

from Trump's alt-right supporters

who would not have let Jared

marry their daughters.

Or, maybe, the fear

stuck in Kelly's craw

was that Jared might share 

with his father-in-law.

[updated 2/27/2018, 7:01 pm]

No. 279: Something In The Way He Moves (do answers trump questions?)

Does it seem girly

how he waves his hands?

His concern for his hair

is unlike a man’s.

Sitting or standing

arms crossed on chest

he looks like a schoolgirl

newly pubesced.

When he talks of sex

it sounds conjectural.

Has anyone ever

been THAT heterosexual?

As he learned his trade

at the knee of Roy Cohn,

one's left to wonder

what else went on?

No. 278: Quo Donald? (a Cohn job)

“Dad” was not there for me,

“Mom” was distracted.

I punched a teacher.

Neither reacted.

A rich bitch-boy,

I played it cool,

until I was sent to

milit'ry school.

There I changed — 

partially, not fully — 

I became

a more perfect bully.

Two excellent colleges

where I excelled —

and you will note

was never expelled.

They taught me lots of. . . 

I don't know what.

Probably crap,

diddly-squat.

It was in building
I found my calling.

squandering money,

my taste appalling.

Then I met GOD,

who called himself Cohn.

He taught me how

to con almost everyone.

Roy Cohn with Donald Trump, Trump Tower “Christening” 1983

He preached, 

“To succeed,

coerce everyone

to do THE DEED.”

“Flatter, manipulate,

cheat, lie,” he said.
“Whatever it takes.”
Pity he's dead.

[updated 2/26/2018, 2:34 pm]