Friday, January 31, 2020

№ 782: A New Christian Prayer (heaven on Earth, ripped from the deadlines)

HOLY APPROPRIATE (January 30)

Let us now pray. Jesus, inspire us.
Please give the Dems coronavirus.
Strike them down dead, dispatch them to hell
along with the Muslims. Hispanics as well.
And also the Mormons. (For Romney's Trump tactics.)
Plus dopey Pope Francis and LIB-ER-EL Catholics.
If you choose to spare Jews, please send them elsewhere.
Eretz Israel instead of near here.

As for all the others who we can't tell apart,
if you “disappear” them, it would be a start
at making the world one White Christian nation
for north Europeans. (With no taxation.)
If you could do this it would be so nice.
We'd have no need for Paradise
We could live on — on Earth! — forever.
Foregoing death. AND heaven. Whatever.

Thursday, January 30, 2020

№ 781.1: EXTRA! Blow Hard

Trump border wall between US and Mexico blows over in high winds
Steel panels being installed between Calexico and Mexicali are part of the US president’s attempt to enhance the border barrier


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A BETTER PLACE (January 30)

Mending Wall
BY ROBERT FROST
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
‘Stay where you are until our backs are turned!’
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Bonus

№ 781: Peace In Our Crime

JAREDLAND (January 29)


Jared’s incredible Mid East Peace Plan
is one hundred percent gonna work.
And anyone sayin’ it hasn’t a chance
exposes himself as a jerk.
This plan is based on historical precedent
of two peoples living together.
That Israel will be somewhat more powerful
is not a surprise altogether.


Israel will have total control of the land, the air and the water.
Palestinians will have partial authority over their sons, their wives, and their daughters
on reservations which will be destinations 
for planeloads of American tourists
who will buy native handcrafts and take selfie photographs
with these Palestinian “Indians”
who’ll have Jared to thank
for smallpox-laced blankets
premature death and sense of despair
which Trump's Evangelicals and Bibi's land grabbers
see as Biblically fair.
In their corrupt Gospel
it's the only peace poss'ble.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

№ 780: Revelation In Senate (for friends with benefits)

THE SENATE PIT (January 28)

Jesus (in glory) descends on the Senate,
commanding John Roberts, “SIT down!
You are not worthy of judging my Donnie.
Nor are the rest of you clowns!”


While seraphim gambol, blowing their cornets
and angels sing Hallejuellas,
Jesus seizes the Dems by their horns
saying, “I am returning to rule ya!


“No more abortion, to hell with gay rights, 
women get barefoot and pregnant.
And don’t even mention one man one vote’.
The notion, to me, is repugnant.


“You can forget the ungodly idea
of freely electing your leaders.
Read my lips! ‘KINGDOM of Heaven.’
Democracy’s not for believers.


“And what makes you think ‘all men are equal’?
Totally stupid idea!
Of course I play favorites. (Hint: NOT the Jews).
Have you paid no attention all of these years?


“I’m back, I’m proud, I’m White, I’m loud,
I speak English, NOT Aramaic.
Whoever suggests I do otherwise,
I herewith condemn to Passaic


“or Lodi or somewhere in Jersey
with devils and Kushners and Christie.
Ah, happy days then . . . the Trenton State Pen . . .
It makes me tearful and misty.


“I HAVE RETURNED.
I REIGN SUPREME.
I CALL THE SHOTS.
(Ya know what I mean?)


“Donnie and Jesus.
Jesus and Donnie.
Who’s conning who?
Sing, ‘Hey, nonny-nonny!’”

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

№ 779: What A Re-Bolton Development This Is . . .

WAIT A MINUTE (January 27)
Talk about a bolt from the blue!
Another Never Trump liar!
And after I treated him so very nicely . . .
what a SAD brush-mustachioed guy!
No need at all for Bolton to testify,
I did not do anything wrong.
And if I did it was to show how the Bidens
were the real crooks all along.
The only fair and just outcome is this,
“Disaster” Roberts says, “Case is dismissed.”

Monday, January 27, 2020

№ 778: Fair Is When We Win

REALITY BYTES (January 26)


All is fair in love and war.
Therefore, it is alright to cheat.
And in all fairness, it isn't cheating . . .
it’s simply preventing defeat,
assisting the gods, improving the odds,
ensuring that virtue prevails,
that we come out on top, victors. Full stop.
Ignore the gory details.
If we steal the sign or deflate the ball,
I would not call that cheating at all.
We competed. We happened to win.
Though it did help that the fix was in.

Friday, January 24, 2020

№ 777: Something To Sneeze At

ISOLATION WARD (January 23)


Will coronavirus quickly expire us
before Donnie dear does us in?
Before rising oceans inundate coastlines,
rendering subways places you swim in?
Before an asteroid (or maybe a comet)
brings us to “Game Over! TILT!”?
Before business leaders finally fess up
after so many decades of denying guilt?


If this is an emergency, then with some urgency
we should do something to stop it.
Which, in due course, we will try to do
once we determine how we can profit.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

№ 776: A Max Senate Comedy

LIGHT'S OUT (January 22)

The Senate assures us they’re fair and unbiased,
(as you’d expect for a body so pious),
sitting in judgment of this arrogant crook
at whom the House could have thrown more than one book.

Given his guilt is proudly admitted,
it should take no time to see him acquitted,
even if, push comes to shove,
Dems can convince him to try on the glove.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

№ 775: An American Conservative Manifesto

NEVERNEVERLAND (January 22)


Ignorance and superstition,
is what we need more of today.
Even that may not be sufficient
to make the twentieth century just go away.
“Mohammed” Murdoch (PBUH) foxily
co-opted the label and reset the table
of public discourse, insisting “facts”
are Liberal constructs, mere artifacts.


Starting with TR and Taft and Wilson
(though Woody ALL RIGHT on race),
the century got off to a god-awful start,
the lower orders forgetting their place.
Taxes on income! Workers with “rights”!
Undesirables mass immigration!
Child labor laws and women voting
began the decline of the nation.


We must return to the founders' principles
if we wish to be number one:
shoot first and ask questions later,
the only good Injun's a dead 'un,
conquer we must when our cause it is just,
and learn to love what should disgust.
You can commit most any sin . . .
only thing matters is whether you win.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

№ 774: Sanders Of Time


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BERNIEWORLD (January 20)

(with apologies to Alexander Borodin, Robert Wright, and George Forrest)

So I'm old
let's be clear
I'm the candidate Trump must fear, you know
So I'm old, it's Bernie Sanders' time, 
good old Bernie Sanders' time, you know

I am wise
as you know, I constantly tell you so
I am wise,
I am old Bernie Sanders-wise
so old Bernie Sanders-wise, it's so

Women run,
but they can't
beat Donald Trump, I can
Sanders can
Only Sanders can

Monday, January 20, 2020

№ 773: Coogan's Bluff, October 3, 1951*

A SIMPLER TIME (January 19)

Did Branca's pitch and Thompson's home run
change anything in 1951?

In Manhattan 
there were children conceived
as part of the celebration.
Whereas, in Brooklyn 
others got started,
in part, as consolation.

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,
rough-hew them how we will. . .
“Best-laid schemes. . .gang aft agley. . .
and that will continue until
we can produce cast iron cinches.
But until then, it's a game of inches.

(Having said that, I'll end this rhyme,
noting your luck is better if you steal the sign.)
—————————
*Shot Heard 'Round the World

Friday, January 17, 2020

№ 772: Trump Is Just A Four Letter Word


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SLOUGH OF DESPOND (January 16)

(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

Seems as tho' the GOP lost its collective mind,
either that or they de-cid-ed, “better to be blind”
Donnie knows this con-stit-u’ncy
will ig-nore his lax mor-al-it-y
so long as his ev’ry ap-point-ee
en-for-ces their re-lig-i-os-ity 
no way 
of making Donnie ever go away

Outside of Dem-o-crats (some who might be worse),
no one an-y-where can free us of this curse
Of can-did-ates, there were — at least — a score,
al-most ev'ry one a bore
with whom Donnie’d mop the floor
as in des-per-a-tion, Dems search for 
some way 
of making Donnie somehow go away

Dem’s never know it’s time to go when their ammo's spent
Donnie’s crowd is “loud and proud” and they do not relent
They’ve got guns and the Dems have none 
come High Noon showdown Dems are done
So Dems sit back and sip some good Bordeaux
no point in fighting toe-to-toe
no way 
of somehow making Donnie go away

Though Nancy did her level best, impeachment can not work,
not with Mitch and GOP backing up the jerk
The high crimes and mis-de-mean-ors clause
is not enough to even give them pause
because they know Donnie knows no law
and if he did, they know that he’d ig-nore,
(no matter that the whole wide world de-plored)
anyone or anything he saw as moored 
in his way 
and to-tal-ly refuse to go away

Re-mem-ber how we were taught no one's above the law
A pretty thought that counts for naught as Donnie clearly saw
Now that Donnie's found Ar-tic-le II
there is no tell-ing what he’ll do
with his short attention span and shorter fuse
and his pred-i-lec-tion to ab-use
given the Su-preme Court’s skew-er-ed views, 
I’d say
there is no way that Donnie goes away

Thursday, January 16, 2020

№ 771: Trump, Whether Vane


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DENIAL IN WINTER (January 15)
(with apologies to Carly Simon)

I won ov-er the Party
(NOT part of some Putin plot!)
Bew-t-ful hair exquisitely brushed,
my skin tinted apricot
With one eye on the mirror
(am I great, or what?)
And all the girls wish I'd ask them to date me
ask them to date me, but
I’m not vain
It's just that everything is about me
I’m not vain,
I  know the song is always about me
So true!
So true!

That one I had years ago
when she still pretended naive
I told her she had a real pretty pair
and whichever wife I’d leave
But you know I lied, of course,
it’s my pedigree
I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,
such God-damn dumb broads, but
I’m not vain
I know the song is always about me
I’m not vain,
I just know ALL songs are always about me
So true!
So true!
So true!

I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,
such fuck-ing dumb broads, but
I’m not vain
I know the song is always about me
I’m not vain,
I just know ALL songs are always about me
So true!
So true!

When I am Em-per-or I’ll wear a toga
to hide my enormous butt
And if I play golf wearing a “dress” 
then I can cheat when I putt
I’m in the limelight all the time
but when I’m not, I’m with
some Russian guy
or the wife of a close friend,
wife of a close friend, but
I’m not vain
I just know everything is about me
I’m not vain,
I just know each and every song is about me
So true!
So true!
So true!

I’m not vain,
I just know each and every song is about me
I’m not vain,
I just know each and every song is about me
I’m not vain. . .

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

№ 770.1: EXTRA! Two Many Popes Spoil


Two Popes, and One Big Furor After Benedict Weighs in on Priestly Celibacy (Paywall)

In a new book, the former pope makes a firm defense of celibacy for priests as Pope Francis is expected to decide whether to allow married priests in remote regions. Let the intrigue begin.

 NOT BUILT IN A DAY (January 15)
When popes disagree on celibacy,
a Vatican matter of delicacy,
which “Holiness” (or “Excellency”?)
will point to the other’s irrelevancy?

With real world factors causing despair,
I have to ask, “Why should anyone care
whether priests can be legally wed,
when those ‘in the no’ say religion is dead?)

№ 770: Chances Are


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DO OVER (January 14)

(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

We’re in pain, more loss than gain, our future’s past
It was fun, a real good run, it could not last
Our time is up, the piper must be paid
Though we stall, it can not be de-layed
Trump or not, there is no other way,
it’s all over, so long USA

It's not im-mi-grants, un-i-ons or mi-nor-it-ies
Too late, an-y-ways, t’ change pri-or-it-ies
It isn't Bi-bles . . . Je-sus, it ain’t guns
It’s about what natch-er-ly comes
Countries rise and fall, that's hist'ry's way
And the time is up, so good-bye, USA

All mission’ries and sci-en-tists and so-cial-ists
claimin’ t' have answers . . . they are useless pests
Climate change, en-vir-on-ment collapse
These are facts, there is no per-haps
We've taken ev'rything Earth had to give
And it’s all over now, Western Civ


Leave the stepping stones behind there's something that calls for you
All the debts we've left, they are now coming due
The vag-a-bonds now at our border door
are standing in the clothes that we once wore
Drill an-oth-er well, that’s all we do
We're so over now, Red, White and Blue