№ 387: Happiness Is (Donald Trump edition)

(with apologies to Clark Gesner)

(Email subscribers click here.)

Happiness is wheeling and dealing

And sometimes stealing

Committing a crime

Happiness is ignoring truth

Getting laid for the ten billionth time

Happiness is telling lies to all my fans

And happiness is holding Putin's hand

Happiness is two dozen Big Macs

Drinking ten Cokes

Being a god

Happiness is lying on FOX

Having more Big Macs

Shooting my wad

Happiness is always having my gorgeous tan

And happiness is standing with the Klan

Happiness is morning and evening

Daytime and night TV

For happiness is anything and everything at all

That features me

Happiness is picturing daughter

In a bikini

Maybe a thong

Happiness is putting my name on lots of things

And happiness is eating chicken wings

Happiness is morning and evening

Daytime and night TV

For happiness is anything and everything at all

That features me

You're a bad man, Donald Trump

Bonus track:



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№ 386: Donald's Lament

Guardian: Cohen tape: Trump heard discussing buying rights to Playboy model's story

Lawyer for Cohen says audio, given to CNN, shows client tried to handle payment legally while Trump wanted to pay in cash

(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

Email subscribers click here.

I should have known all along

A boy like you can not fit

in my big league

Can't really handle my pig intrigue

I had a good thing, Cohen

I know I did nothing wrong

But I still need fixers,

a slew of you

I picked you out because

you're a Jew

You got a good gig, Cohen

And though I needed Roy Cohn,

should have known you 

could not be him

Nobody gives me enough

not like Roy did, I

still miss him.

But for a while you were strong

and paid for problems

to go away

and then you ratted me out

but still I say

if you kept your mouth shut, Cohen,

and not said what went on. . .

You had a good gig, Cohen

Cohen

Cohn

№ 385: Donald Duets (Alone)

(with apologies to Irving Berlin)



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Anything that I do no one does better
No one does anything better than me
No, they can't
No, they can't
No, they can't
No, they can't
No, they can't
No, they can't

Any shade you can throw I can throw greater
No one throws any shade greater than me
I'm the man
I've a plan
I'm the man
Bomb Iran
I'm the man
I'm the man

I'm a stable genius with a giant penis
I can sew confusion I can do collusion
I can live on just Big Macs
That is a fact
Yeah
Forget heart attacks

Any vote up for grabs I can acquire
No one acquires votes better than me
Mike Pence can't
Ryan can't
Mitchell can't
Congress can't
They just can't
They just can't
They just can't
They just can't

Any broad that I choose I get to screw with
No one has ever screwed more broads than me
Not the Hef
Not Cosby
Not Bill C
Not Woody
Not Harvey
And not
Po-lan-ski

Anything that you say I can say cruder
Ruder and lewder than me can not be
Can not be
No sirree
Can not be
Believe me
Can not be
Well, we'll see
It can't be

I can grab a “kitten” even with a mitt on
I can be a liar creating a quagmire
I can outlaw Democrats
A one party staat

Yeah

I can do that

Sooner or later I'll be your dictator
your Vlad and Kim is what I'll be
I tell you
Deep doo-doo

With no clue
Down the loo
You'll be through
Victory VICTORY!

Anything that I do no one does better
No one does what I do better than me
They just can't
I can rant
They just can't
Chance is scant
They just can't
Brest implant
They just can't
They just cant't
THEY JUUUUST CAN'T!

№ 384: Flown The Coup?

EXCLUSIVE!

Theatrical Cement Company News (TCCN) has exclusively learned exclusively that President Donald J. Trump is missing from the White House. The following ketchup-smeared note was found on his pillow.

Ivanka Marla Melamine,

I ran on a platform opposing Iran.

Which I said I'd do better than anyone can.

I ran saying only I could

bring peace to Middle East neighborhood.

I ran saying I'd fix the U.S. economy.
(Which would be true. . .if you had a lobotomy.)

I ran promising I'd appoint judges

who would adhere to troglodyte grudges.

I ran not admitting I had a crush on

Vlad the strong, bare-chested Russian.

(He colluded with me, not with him.)

I ran telling lies and I criticized

to prove to the proles I was one of their guys.

But if traitors criticize me

I say deport them to some shit-hole country.

I ran pretending to be that I'm not,

a basically bigoted rich dumb-ass snot.

(Which, truth to tell, is just what I am.)

I ran running my mouth like a bugler

which somebody told me is pure Dunning-Kruger.

In fact, my whole life has been one big ass scam.

When Robert Mueller asks where I am,

if he water boards you, tell him I ran.

More details as they become available. We now return you to rhyme-free reality.

№ 383: Another Way Of Looking At It

Close your eyes, real, real, REAL tight

and think WHAT IF Donald and Putin are right?

WHAT IF better angels of human nature

are fictions fit only for funny paper?

WHAT IF Hitler, Stalin and Mao

are what you always get anyhow?

WHAT IF Liz One and sis, Bloody Mary,

are as good as it gets? Isn't that scary?

IF Black, Yellow, Brown or Red were “White”?

WOULD anything be different in hindsight?

Then open your eyes. Blissfully reminisce.

Had you kept your eyes shut, you would not have seen this.

The Week In Rearview (July 22, 2018)

Monday, July 16, 2018
№ 378: In Defense Of Mike Pence
    Pence family’s failed gas stations cost taxpayers $20M+
    MORE

№ 378.1: EXTRA! Putin Trump Submit Forecast
    Denying he did election hack,

    Putin asks for Alaska back.
    MORE

№ 378.2: EXTRA! My Place Or Yours? — previous (devious?) secret Trump-Putin meeting attempt
    Woman Who Sought Secret Meeting for Trump and Putin Is Charged 
    as Russian Agent
    MORE

№ 378.3: EXTRA! An Aaron Sorkin Moment? (if only)
    Neil Cavuto, a Fox Business Network host, called Mr. Trump’s
performance “disgusting.”
    MORE

Tuesday, July 17, 2018
№ 379: Trump – Putin Submit Joint Commungay (a toke, one of good will)
    We agree there should be no rushing to judgment
    MORE

№ 379.1: EXTRA! Clarobfuscation
    ‘If only that entire unbelievably, historically embarrassing spectacle 
    could have been fixed with an ‘n,’ an apostrophe and a ‘t.’’
    MORE`

Wednesday, July 18, 2018
№ 380: Improving History — What Donald Would Have Said If Only He Had Been
    Madison, Jefferson, Franklin, Washington. . .
    MORE

№ 380.1: EXTRA! Donald Trump — A Man Of His Word
    He betrayed his first bride
    MORE

№ 380.2: EXTRA! To Be Perfectly Clear
    I laid down. . .the law
    MORE

Thursday, July 19, 2018
№ 381: Vladimir Putin Sings “A Problem Like Maria”
    MORE

Friday, July 20, 2018
№ 382: Last Man Standing
    Man believed to be in his 50s seen swinging an axe to fell a tree in 
    Brazilian forest
    MORE

№ 382.1: EXTRA! Trump Rolls On — er, out — Red Carpet For Putin
    Sarah Sanders says Trump asked John Bolton to invite Putin ‘to 
    Washington in the fall and those discussions are under way’
    MORE

Email subscribers: Saturday, July 14 – Friday, July 20
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