№ 422.2: EXTRA! Courting Disaster?

WSJ: Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh Denies Allegation of Sexual Misconduct (Paywall)

“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation,” the judge said in a written statement released through the White House. “I did not do this back in high school or at any time.”

I never touched her!

Well, maybe a bit.

But it was an accident!

AND she asked for it!

Acting all flirty,

batting her eyes.

Girls gotta know

what that does to guys.

I say I am innocent.

I am not a beast.

I never considered

becoming a priest.

This charge against me
is a total joke.
A “Who put the pubic
hair in my Coke?”.

[updated 9/14/2018 5:13 pm]

№ 422.1: EXTRA! Manafort Overboard! (White House reacts)

Guardian: Paul Manafort: Trump's ex-campaign chair agrees to cooperate with Mueller

Prosecutor announces arrangement during hearing in Washington DC where Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges

Batten the hatches!

Get FOX to distort!

Manafort overboard!

We're headed to court.

How do we deal with this?

Is Rudy equipped

to do a plea deal

now that Paul's flipped?

Can I escape

disguised as Melanie?

Hand me a pen

so I can pardon me.

It's in my power,

like it or not.

And if you don't,

I'll have you shot

just like Vlad can

in Russia, you see?

I don't know how she did it,

but I blame Hil-a-ry.

№ 422: Fake Out Your Dead

Guardian: Trump falsely claims Hurricane Maria death toll was made up by Democrats

Despite evidence showing nearly 3,000 people were killed, US president tweets that figure is scheme ‘to make me look bad’

“Jose” y “Juan”, “Marisol” y “Camila”:
none of  ‘em died because of Maria.
The Dems. . .so SAD and characteristic. . .
inflated enormously my co-wrecked statistic
using fake names they'd placed on fake voter rolls,
fake voters created to fake out fake polls.
And, folks, I gotta tell ya, take it from me,
these fake voters fake voted for fake Hilary.

If a hurricane hits, I swear by my jowls,
I will come visit and toss paper towels.

№ 421: The FOX In The Penthouse

What is the difference —

explain please, I implore! —

between FOX News

and InfoWars:

distorted views
reported as news.

What is their excuse?

Am I being obtuse?

№ 420: GOP Labor Strategy (or why Dems can't win)

We were never in favor

of organized labor.

“Working” people are mugs.

And unlike their bosses,

these “labor forces”

only do down-market drugs.

They think beer is dandy.

They do not drink brandy.

Meth suits them fine.

They don't do lines

off strippers' humongous juggs.

We slander, we pander, we gerrymander.

On top of that there's our FOX propaganda.

We've not the splinterest

concern for their interests.
We'd crush them underfoot
if they were slugs

and if they see this
we say, “It's those damned elitists

who, as per usual,
see you as chumps”
and they'll hang tough
with our Donald Trump.

№ 419: A Trumpestuous Earworm

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Squawk about how it's always you.

There never was no one who ever had more fun.

And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk Art Of The Steal, squawk my sex appeal.

Squawk about my being on the make.

Squawk about Roy Cohn teaching me to lie.

Squawk about my cronies on the take.

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Squawk about how it's only you.

There never was no one who ever had more fun.

And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk about a star —you know who of porn —

lured to your ginormous, gaudy suite.

Get her all undressed, compliment her breasts.

Damn it, buddy, but your life's too sweet.

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Squawk about how it's only you.

There never was no one who ever had more fun.

And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk about this boy saying to that star,

“Golly, baby, I'm a lucky cuss.”

Look her in the eye, grab her juicy p@#s,

“I just wish Ivanka could see us.”

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Squawk about how it's only you.

There never was no one who ever had more fun.

And there's no one I can't screw.

Democrats ain't happy

and they really wanna scream,

but what I've done they can't undo.

Email subscribers click here.

№ 418: A Nonny Mouse (or FEAR itself)

A Letter To The Editor of The @FailingTimes:

Dear Editor, 
Herewith, let me make clear

that I am NOT  “Anonymous”;

that I never have been — EVER! — in bed

with a RINO
(or a hippopotamus);

that I support conflicting views 

of administration's extremist economists

on Federal Reserve forever remaining 

(or not) 

completely and wholly, entirely autonomous;

that GOP programs on reg-u-lay and tax-ay-tion

with freedom and growth are synonymous;

and that if Trump's trade wars bankrupt our farmers. . .

well, who cares, they're dirt-y agronomists.

Furthermore,

I feel compelled

to say no one's rebelled

against President Trump  —  who's totally swell

and as a leader is unprincipled, er unparalleled.   

All the same,

please, don't print my name

lest you aspire to get me expelled.

Sincerely yours,

NAME WITHHELD

The Week In Rearview (September 9, 2018)

Monday, September 3 (email edition not sent due to transmission error)
№ 413: Originalism! 
Remember when
the only folks voting
were rich white men?

№ 413.1: EXTRA! Originalism (more)

An originalist

can discern the gist

of just what James Madison thought

Tuesday, September 4
№ 414: Ye Gods!

What if Adam hadn't met Eve?

Would human beings ever have been conceived?

№ 414.1: EXTRA! Jeff Sessions — the AG and the conspiracy
Sept. 3, 2018

In a pair of tweets sent midafternoon, Mr. Trump suggested that the Justice Department should not have brought charges against two “very popular” Republican lawmakers running for re-election so close to November because it could jeopardize the party’s control of the House.

№ 414.2: EXTRA! Rudy's Ex Penning A Book (will the subtitle be "Yes, He's A Crook"?)
New York Pest: Rudy Giuliani’s ex to pen tell-all book about him and his career

№ 414.13: EXTRA! Keep Psalm And Carry On? 
How long, O GOP?

Wednesday, September 5
№ 415: Why Satirize?

Even in Latin, even in Greek,

all satire is is a frustrated shriek.

№ 415.1: EXTRA! A Pence Sharia Accomplice
Islamic Aceh district rules only married or related couples can eat out at the same table

№ 415.2: EXTRA! The Unraveled Sleave Of I Don't Much Care (a Trump meditation on treachery most foul)
NYT: I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration 

Thursday, September 6
№ 416: Oh The Humanity!
The Humane Society always says that

№ 416.1: EXTRA! Sparrow Us
Top officials including vice president and secretary of state disavow anonymous New York Times column describing internal effort to contain President Trump

№ 416.2: EXTRA!  A Pensive Denial
BBC: Does 'lodestar' guide us to anti-Trump op-ed author? 

Friday, September 7
№ 417: Old Time Religion
What IS God's problem?

Saturday, September 8
№ 417.1: EXTRA! Go Fry An Amalekite? (or playing the ultimate trump card)
“God wants 'em dead!”

Email subscribers: Saturday, September 1 – Friday, September 7

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