№ 647: Late Night Musings To Go With Snacks, Diet Cokes And Lotsa Big Macs

TRUMPWORLD (July 25)

When you win a war, people are thrilled.
They quickly forget how many you killed.
People love wars and stories of glory
They forget wars are horribly gory.

If I give the okay to go bomb Iran,
what will Kim think in Korea?
And Xi, in China, would he agree
bombing's a great panacea?
Would he similarly threaten Taiwan
if I give the okay to go bomb Iran?

I'm President, I can do what I want to.
Trudeau disses me, I bomb Toronto.

№ 646.3: EXTRA! A Bird Of A Feather Begs Pardon

Bernie Madoff asks Trump to commute his 150-year sentence (Paywall)

After Bernie Madoff admitted to masterminding the largest Ponzi scheme in history and bilking thousands of investors out of their cash, he was punished with a sentence that made it likely he would die in federal prison — 150 years.

Now, a decade into his time, at the age of 81, Madoff is seeking to have his sentence commuted by President Donald Trump. He has filed a petition for clemency with the Justice Department, according to its website.

MORAL VOID (July 25)

Dear Donnie,

Old pal,

do you think it fair

that I am here

and you are there

in the White House

with all your power?

(Granted you long for

your chintzy gold Tower.)

But I'm stuck in prison

like one of our schnooks

and compared to you

I'm barely a crook,

just a regular businessman

with no little flair

to make funds disappear

into thin air.

That you're not my cellmate

I suppose you must thank

your Vaterland buddies

from Deutsche Bank

who had you back,

whatever your crimes,

though you repaid 

their dollars with dimes.

If you do spring me,

some time in due course,

we'll shoot a round

at your swell golf course.

As an incentive.

may I add with a grin,

though you're a hacker,

I'll let you win.

You're the best,

Bernie (not the bad one)

№ 646.2: EXTRA! The Eagle Has Landed?

Trump speaks before presidential seal doctored with symbols of Russia and golf

Image mysteriously displayed behind president at rightwing event features two-headed eagle clutching golf clubs

THE VOID (July 25)

UPI/Barcroft Media

Golf club in hand,
gulf in his head,
then this Russian eagle. . .
WHAT lies ahead?

Click

№ 646.1: EXTRA! Just Deserts

Climate change: 12 years to save the planet? Make that 18 months

"The climate math is brutally clear: While the world can't be healed within the next few years, it may be fatally wounded by negligence until 2020," said Hans Joachim Schellnhuber, founder and now director emeritus of the Potsdam Climate Institute.

TERMINUS (July 25)

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Jule Styne, Betty Comden and Adolph Green)

The Earth is over.

That’s what the scientists say.

No matter what we contend

we took a world and pissed it away.

It’s time to wind up our sad charade

and down some NyQuil,

take to the the bed we’ve made.

The Earth is over.

We've finally run out of luck.

With all our hustle and pluck

we’re not so much sapiens,

we’re more Homo schmuck.

It’s time to realize
we'll never mend.
Accept the break-up.
The Earth is over.

It’s all over.

THE END.

№ 646: Afghanistan Follow Up (body count no-account)

TRUMP WORLD (June 24)

How many would I be willing to kill
to bring about peace in my time?
I truly think ten million too many.
Do I believe five would be fine?
What body count would I require,
how many civilians would need to expire
before I could smile, saying with pride,
“Now I feel sated. I'm satisfied.”

№ 645.1: EXTRA! GOP Committee Members Pre-Response To Mueller

Robert Mueller Testimony Live: Former Special Counsel Faces Lawmakers

Rep. Devin Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, opened the second hearing with Mr. Mueller with a quip: “Welcome everyone to the last gasp of the Russia collusion conspiracy theory.”

OKEFENOKEE (July 24)

Mr. Mueller, your “report”

caused a bit of a buzz.

Though we have not read it

we can state that it does

not reveal crimes Donald did not commit.

And, sir,  if it does, we don’t give a shit.

№ 645: Ever More Boris

LITTLE BRITAIN (July 23)

How long do you think it will be

before Boris knows it’s not 1903,

that the sun’s long since set

on the old Empire,

that with him “in command”

the U.K could expire?

Before he ships convicts out to Australia?

Renews border conflict with Venezuela?

Before his hired Hessians extinguish rebellion?

Before he rebuilds the navy and makes it swell again?

When he meets with the Queen in his phantasmagoria

will he realize Her Majesty is not Victoria?

Johnson’s premiership came slow and can’t last

because the future is never the past.

№ 644: Mr. Johnson Regrets (a history lesson)

LITTLE BRITAIN (July 22)

“There will always be an England,”

is what we used to say,

before Boris Bumptious

gave it all away

by turning back the calendar

to the time before

when Britain was divided

and there was a score

of dueling petty “kingdoms",

not one of which was "Great”

let alone “United”,

let alone a state

in any sense resembling

what Britain would become

from Land's End to John o' Groats and

a never setting sun,

until undone by history

as empires ever are,

a process Boris can't reverse.

Grande Bretagne, au revoir.

№ 643.1: EXTRA! Trump's Millions

Trump says he could win Afghan war 'in a week … but I don't want to kill 10m' 

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Robert Allen and Al Stillman)

TRUMP WORLD (July 22)

I don't want to kill ten million.
No, not much.
Turn Afghanistan vermilion.
No, not much.
Although I could bomb that nation any time,
I would rather bomb Iran. . .that would be fine.
Would I start a major conflict?
In a clutch.
Funny now how it comes down to my crazy touch.
I could go around the bend,
maybe cause the world to end.
Ah, but would I do it?
Stay in touch. . .

№ 643: Send Them Back To Somalia

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

Email subscribers click here.

TRUMP'S AMERICA (July 21)

As I unravel, complain and cavil
about what bothers me,
the more convinced I become
I know what has to be.

I stand with Christians in opposition
to Muslims and Hindus,
who when cornered also admit
they hate non-Israel Jews.

Send them back to Somalia
or wherever they're from.
If you come from some shit hole land,
you can't be an American.

If you mostly speak Spanish,
if Sahara's north of your home,
let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Send them back to Somalia
or wherever they're from.
If you come from some shit hole land,
you can't be an American.

If you mostly speak Spanish,
if Sahara's north of your home,
let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Go on back, go on back.
Go on back. Before we attack,
you low-down dirty scum!