№ 877.2: EXTRA! Trump 2020 Cap, Signature Edition (not available in stores)

CREEP STATE (June 12) —

assembled in China from Russian materials

Available wherever BS is sold.

EXECUTIVE edition plated in pure fool's gold.

№ 877.1: EXTRA! When They Come For YOUR Team

PETE ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME (June 12) —

When PC comes for your NFL team —

and you know which ones I mean —

discrimination being a terrible thing,

we must do something to lessen the sting

when the billionaire owners of these franchises

are forced to cave to nut case chastizers,

and “choose” to accede to kumbaya demand,

by changing the name of their brand.

Herewith my proposal,

at your disposal:

to lessen the shame,

change every team name

to something appropriate,

free from opprobrium.

From Arizona, 

the Double Immigrants.

From Atlanta we have the Airports.

The Baltimore Poes.

The Boston Dumb Micks.

The Buffalo Exits.

Minnesota's Cold Noses.

From Carolina,

the Which Ones.

All hail Chicago’s Capones.

And Cincy's Queens

and Cleveland's Taupes

both of which

call Ohio home.

Los Mexicanos

de Dallas, Tex, Mexico.

From Denver,

the Altitudes.

The Detroit Disasters

and Green Bay Cheesers

game on Thanksgiving 

will please football geezers.

From Houston,

Más Mexicanos.

From Indianapolis, of course,

the Skip Towns.

The Jacksonville Twenties.

The KC MO Steaks.

The Las Vegas Homeless,

who bet on fourth down.

LA's SD Deserters

along with their Boomerangs

and the Miami Illegal Aliens, 

will provide much strum und drang.

From New Orleans, 

the Submarines.

From New York, 

the Mob and the Jews.

No offense intended.

(Or, in fact, expected.

Defense, as well,

will be neglected.)

When Philadelphia’s Cheesesteaks

meet Pittsburgh’s Unemployed

it will be great. And intrastate.

And half of PA will feel destroyed.

The SF Yesterdays

and Seattle's Boeings

and Tampa Bay's Drownings

will make excellent showings.

The Tennessee Crocketts

may set off skyrockets

but not in conjunction

with DC's Dysfunction.

It is a game.
What's in a name?

№ 877: Pro-test

LACKING FORESIGHT (June 11) —

The central thing the protesters missed:

having the cops on their TikTok friends list.

They would find it less stressful, more fun,

to be on the side with badges and guns.

Their shortsightedness could prove a flaw

when Donnie declares, “We are at war!”
———————
Sadly still relevant reprint:
 THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 2017

No. CXXXIII.i: EXTRA! Nonsense On Pedestals

To “celebrate history” it would be absurd
to put up a statue of King George the Third.
One simple fact, there is no debate here:
Confederate statues celebrate traitors.
Yes, it's our history, but come on now, Donald.
Do you see statues of Benedict Arnold?
(Never examined in these discourses:
why Southerners worship dead losers on horses.)
And, however hard you may sleuth,
even Dixie lacks statues of John Wilkes Booth.

№ 876: In Defense Of Western Civ

LET US NOT PRAISE FAMOUS MEN (June 10) —

Old dead white men are essential.

We would not exist but for them

solving the puzzle within the conundrum,

standing between us and mayhem.

Where would we be without old dead white men?

We would not, I would warrant, be civilized. 

For it is true it was solely through them

that human potential was realized.

For fire and farming, for war, for the arts

we must give thanks to all those old farts,

pioneers through the years whose guiding hand

destroyed, in turn, each promised land

that they created (if only by chance),

establishing benchmarks for man's unkind advance.

Huzzah! Let us cheer our old dead white men,

knowing that soon there will be still more of them.

№ 875.2: EXTRA! RNC Policy Statement

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Gary Klein and Henry Hoffman)

TOP SECRET RNC HUNKER BUNKER (June 10)

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century

People ask, “GOP?

what do you wanna be,

now you don't got a soul anymore?

We know just what to say

We answer right away

There's just one thing

we're wishing for

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century

With Mitch we plot and plan

maybe we'll bomb Iran

and we'll outlaw all things not white

and it the schools we'll pray

everything gay away

make everyone say they're straight alt-right

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century

№ 875.1: EXTRA! Unsealed Indictment

Outrage as Guatemalan Maya spiritual guide is tortured and burned alive

• Domingo Choc Che’s final moments captured on video
• Four suspects held after attack on indigenous elder

 . . .persecution continues against those who practice Maya spiritualism, which is often referred to as “witchcraft” by conservative Christian religious groups.

EVERYWHERE (June 10) — 

Not for a split sec would we expect

a different outcome if the Maya had won,

had history run in the other direction

and the “New World” conquered the Old 'un.

Because the thing is, in this LIFE biz,

there is just one rule and it's golden:

DO UNTO OTHERS AND DO IT QUICK,

eliminate first the weak and the sick,

then moving on, kill all their spawn

until any trace they existed is gone.

This is ALL that LIFE is about,

has ever been, ever will be.

Very unpretty to contemplate,

but you can't keep living and still be

all that concerned with your effect

on anyone or anything.

Your purpose is to make more like yourself 

by having sex. So what the heck

if you kneel on a neck,

set a “witchcraft” practitioner afire?

No one should EV-ER! inquire

as to the reason you do what you do.

You do what you do because you are you.

There is no solution. That's academic.

The problem with LIFE is systemic.

Lions taking over a pride,

kill the cubs of their soon-to-be brides

fathered by their departed rival.

It may not be pleasant, but that is LIFE's Bible.

№ 875: QED

UTOPIA (June 9) —

Remember how Rome and Carthage

settled inherent differences?

How the Amalekites and ancient Israelites

came to appreciate each other’s experiences?

How Athens and Sparta found it far smarter

to set aside all their quarrels?

How different religions, countries, ethnicities

never spill blood over ideas or morals?

Though these examples are from one small region,

all the world’s people are equally keen

to come to together in peace and in reason 

because to do otherwise would be obscene.

History's a record of human wisdom.

There is no such thing as racism.

№ 874: Freedom Of Belligerence

CHAPEL HILL (June 8) —

Why is there not a church or a chapel

where we can worship Our Donnie,

our grand New Savior, 

whose courageous behavior,

is undoing all things Obama-y?

We may be a failed state,

but our gun laws are GREAT

and anyway who needs THE WHO

whose “rock opera” Tommy

is an abomination,

just between me and you.

Donnie inspires. He encourages viruses,

pollution, collusion, bad air.

With Donnie to guide us, waddling beside us,

we overcome any temptation to share

anything.
With anyone.
Anytime.
Anywhere.

Grab and hang on to all that you can.

THAT'S what it means to be an American.

Might wins the fight. Might does make right.

'N it more'n might he'p if'n y'all are reeaal white.

№ 873.2: EXTRA! The Uniformed Code Military Just Ass

THE EMPEROR’S TAILOR (June 8) —

Centre for Nigeria Progress

Should not Donnie don a field marshal’s uniform?

After all, he’s commander-in-chief.

Something that’s smart. (Like him).

State of the art. (Like him).

Something to counter mistaken belief

that he dodged the draft by craftily claiming

he had a painful condition.

Whereas, in truth, he proffered proof

from his daddy’s cut-rate-rent-tenant physician.

Donnie in uniform would be truly terrific.

Air Force. Space Force. Marines. Army-Navy.

Not, perhaps, Coast Guard. They dress in white,

which would show stains from him drooling gravy.

And cake. And Diet Coke. 

Plus bits he’d spit whenever he spoke

any untruth from his cavernous mouth.

(Nevertheless, they'd love him down South.)

Still, a uniform might help hide his lies

and we would be spared those silly long ties.

№ 873.1: EXTRA! “Racism” — THE END

GREAT COME AND GET IT DAY (June 8) —

Hating “the other” is natural.

It is what living things do:

ignore similarities, inflate disparities,

eliminate all things that aren't you.

Let's do away with left-handers.

Or with the blue-eyed and blond.

Or the short, or the tall, or those sayin' “y'all”.

Ou, peut-être, sacrebleu!, tout le monde.

“Racism” will only be over

when in “THE END” it's replaced

by some other form of deliberate stupidity

exactly the same, only worse:

EXACTLY the same with a prettier name,

hiding behind a bright smiley face.👶

№ 873: Universal Declaration Of Human Attitude (Same Difference)

EVERYWHERE (June 7) —

Everyone different from us is a threat.

Differences are very scary.

Shoot FIRST! Ask questions . . . later.

You can get dead by being unwary.

The only good ________'s a dead one.

How pleasant their funeral bells knell.

I would not let my sister wed one.

Each last whore-son of them belongs in hell.

They want to murder us. And then our sons.

Then rape our daughters and wives.

Whenever I fear one's coming near

I totally break out in hives.

We know from reading our history,

that we are the best of good guys.

Gentle. Beneficent. Never belligerent.

Someone says otherwise . . . IT'S. A. DAMNABLE. LIE.

They are not human.

They are not like us.

We're pure spring water.

They're pus.

What was God thinking?

Why did He create them?

For us to eliminate?

Oh, for a pretext to exterminate them.