№ 716: Donnie, Perhaps, Needs That Chap Peron Acting As His Chaperone (if Juan's not available, there's always Capone)

CRYSTAL BALL (October 30)

Juan Peron and “Donnie Trombone”,

a classical, brassical pair,

horn self-tooters, freebooting looters,

neither of whom deigned to care

about niceties or heed the advice-ities

of those who knew what they were doin',

both preferred the nonsensical

and in consequencical

reduced all about them to ruin.

Clever Lloyd-Weber, likely forever
alone, crying for thee, Argentina.

The unraveling fate of the Divided States?

As someone who thinks he's so smart says, 

“We'll see.”

№ 715.1: EXTRA! Tilting At Vindman

Firsthand account of Trump’s Ukraine call puts GOP in bind, emboldens Democrats (Paywall)

A top National Security Council official on Tuesday delivered a firsthand account of President Trump pressuring Ukraine to investigate his political rivals, putting congressional Republicans in a bind and emboldening Democrats as they moved toward their first impeachment vote Thursday.

Trump and his allies on TV lashed out at Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who said his concerns about what he heard in Trump’s July 25 call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky drove him to notify his superiors. Trump dismissed Vindman as a “Never Trumper,” while some of his allies questioned the patriotism of the Army combat veteran because his family emigrated from the Soviet Union when he was 3.

Trump’s attack on the Purple Heart recipient unnerved Republicans in Congress, with several pushing back, albeit without naming the president. Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) called the offensive “misplaced and very unfortunate,” and said he had “full confidence” in Vindman “as an individual and his patriotism.”

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 30)

I suspected this guy right from the start.
Where is the paper work for his “Purple Heart”?
Anyway, my heart is red, white and blew.
And, don't forget, I had a uniform, too,
at my exclusive army-like school
where we did drills and marched through hills.
(I couldn't, though. Damned bone spur ills!
Which are the same as wounds in battle.)
This guy is a rat. This guy is a tattle.
This guy is a traitor. This guy is a spy.
Telling the “truth”? You call THAT proof?
Like I always say: the truth is a lie.

№ 715: Have A NICE Day

QUICK MARTY, THE DeLOREAN (October 29)


Email readers click here.

(with apologies to James Rado, Gerome Ragni and Galt MacDermot)

When a loon is in the White House
and “presidents” aligned with “tsars”
combined destroy the planet
and Musk leaves Earth for Mars,
this is the dawning of the Age of Apocalypse
the Age of Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Idiotic politicians
discovering new divisions
making ever worse decisions
expounding cock-eyed visions
infesting every nation
de-stroy civ-il-iz-a-tion
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
When a loon lived in the White House
and “presidents” aligned with “tsars”
combined destroyed the planet
and Musk left Earth for Mars,
that was the dawning of the Age of Apocalypse
the Age of Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Apocalypse

[corrected 10/30/2019, 9:47 am to add music credit]

№ 714: Impeachable You

Email subscribers click here.

ON THE IMPEACH (October 28)

(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

Disgrace us, you inescapable you
Debase us, you Pence-replaceable you
All you do is breed a brew of angst and disgust
Your disgusting crew leaves us with no one to trust

We've sick of the false alarms that you spew
Small wonder we're up in arms about you
Had you been born a “lady”
be a whore is all that you could do
You [bleep] impeachable you.

№ 713: Inner Child

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 27)

Donnie do not do details. 

Donnie do not do facts.

Donnie do “hamberders”, Cokes.

Donnie do that to relax.

Donnie do not do exercise.

Donnie no exercise schmuck.

[Donnie do not do anything,
except Donnie cheats or Donnie sucks.]

Donnie not walk.

[Donnie waddle to Donnie golf cart.]

Donnie drink too many Cokes,

then (HA! HA!) Donnie fart.

Donnie rich, Donnie famous.

Donnie like color gold.

Donnie not mad. Donnie not sad.

Donnie not mind being old.

Donnie most sexy he-man.

Donnie draw women like moth

to a flame. [And never a dame

compare Donnie to sloth.]

Donnie not like Jeff Bezos.

[Jeff Bezos REAL billionaire.]

Donnie not like Elon Musk.

Donnie have better hair.

Donnie too good for country.

Donnie too good for world.

Donnie too good for whole universe.

[Donnie live in own world.]

Donnie never read Bible.

Donnie think Bible odd.

Donnie worship Donnie himself.

Donnie know Donnie God.

Donnie do not do spelchek.

Donnie no spelchek knot kule.

Donnie spel how Donnie feelz.

Donnie not liv buy ur rulz.

Nancy Pelosi. Mean, nasty lady.

Donnie do not know why,

Nancy Pelosi real mean to Donnie.

Allatime make Donnie cry.

Someday Donnie birthday big holiday.

Alla world say, “Donnie! Great guy!”

[Also someday, not far away,

Donnie win No Bell and alla pigs fly.]

№ 712.2: EXTRA! Kim's Gotta Swim, I Gotta Lie, If You Follow Me, We're All Gonna Die

‘Crafty and vicious’: North Korea warns US not to ignore deadline for talks


Pyongyang’s top nuclear negotiator says there are no ‘permanent friends’ and US should heed calls for a new approach

North Korea has warned that there has been no progress in relations with the US, and that hostilities that could lead to an exchange of fire have continued.

In a statement under the name of the chairman of the Korea-Asia Pacific Peace Committee, Kim Yong-chol, North Korean state news agency KCNA said on Sunday that it would be a mistake for the US to ignore a year-end deadline on Kim has set an end-of-year deadline for denuclearisation talks with Washington.Donald Trump’s and Kim Jong-un’s “close personal relations”.

Kim has set an end-of-year deadline for denuclearisation talks with Washington.

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart)

CLOUD CUCKOOLAND (October 27)

Falling in love with Kim was falling for make believe
Falling in love with him, I was a tool;
I am inclined to live in a juvenile fancy
I thought Kim fine, we were both bullies in school

I fell in love with Kim, he reminded me of my dad
I am unwise which if you have eyes you can see
I fell in love with Kim, but Kim contrasting-
ly fell out with me

№ 712.1: EXTRA! The Well-Trod Path

Trump Cancels Subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post (Paywall)

In 1962, John F. Kennedy, apparently fed up with the coverage of The New York Herald Tribune, decreed that copies of that newspaper would no longer be delivered to the White House. His press secretary, Pierre Salinger, after initially ignoring the president’s repeated requests to cancel the paper, eventually acquiesced and announced that Kennedy would instead read The St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

THE GOLD PATE HOUSE (October 25)

Just following President Kennedy's precedent

is what Donnie's doing as White House resident.

Jawboning  businesses and any others

until they back down and he has him his druthers.

If Times  and Post would stop being solemn

and paid a lot to Ivanka for a daily column. . .

Still, Donnie is right. Why should he read

anything, anytime, ANYWHERE  not guaranteed

to confirm his feeling he's better than best

lest he be left bereft and depressed?

(Though his body is agile, his ego is fragile.)

Let's let Donnie do his hat-tip/shout-out

and sit back and watch how it turns out.

№ 712: Hillary, Dilliery (Donnie's theory of everything)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 24)

The country’s in ruins.

So whose to blame?

WE know the answer is HILLARY.

I gotta tell ya, it is a shame

I don’t order her put in the pillory

for bewitching pigeons,

distorting my vision
witch is the sauce of these bad decisions,
intern giving rise to late night derision.
I don't see why I don't throw her in prison.
That is, after all, what Vlad would do.
So why can't I do so as well?
           *     *     *
(“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn’t”
— Steve Allen)

№ 711.1: EXTRA! A-BOUT Face!

US to reverse Trump troop withdrawal and send tanks to Syria – reports

• Tanks to come from units already in Middle East, report says
• Trump has said US ‘secured oil’ despite withdrawal

Trump has justified his decision to stand US troops down to allow a Turkish offensive in north-eastern Syria at the cost of abandoning Kurdish partners, by saying he was “bringing the troops home”.

However, it is quite likely it would take more troops to deploy, maintain, supply and protect armoured units in the middle of the eastern Syrian desert than the roughly 1,000 that were in the country before the Turkish invasion.

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 24)

Did I say “fewer”? Silly me! I meant “more”.

I meant to say “add” and not “withdraw”.

Withdrawal's not anything I ever do.

When I set about something, I see it through.

Ask the women I've known. They'll say it's true*.

And, no, that is nether boast nor bravado.

Now excuse me, while I wall off Colorado.
————————————
*Summer Zervos, the former “Apprentice” contestant who is suing Trump for defamation after he denied her allegation of sexual assault, reportedly has corroborating evidence to support her story. — Guardian

№ 711: Donnie's Message To The Tropes

Hypocrisy inaction

Two dozen Republicans disrupted the impeachment proceedings on Capitol Hill, storming a secure House Intelligence Committee suite. They refused to leave for five hours. The demonstrators, above, most of whom are not on the committees conducting the inquiry, chanted, “Let us in! Let us in!” as they argued that the sessions were unfair and should be open. The sergeant-at-arms, the top law enforcement officer in the Capitol, was called in to handle the situation.

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 23)

It is such a SAD day
when old RICH WHITE MEN
(some of them millionaires)
cannot have their say,
cannot get their way
and hardly anyone cares.

The founders were WHITE
and (for there time)
they were both RICH and old.
I was not their. . .
but somebody said. . .
and it is what I was told.

Know what I think?
I think it's a plot.
Part of the Deep State Democrat rot.
Part of the coup
against ME! (And you.)
Sponsored by George Soros,. . .

Sound the alarm,
time to bare arms.
Quick! To the barricade.
I'd love to join in,
for the foreplay in the foreFRONT. . .
BUT
chronic bone spurs, I'm afraid.

via GIPHY

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 710: Donnie: An Appreciation

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DONNYFANWORLD (October 22)

(with apologies to Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim)

Our Donnie is perfect you give him the ball and

all he can do is throw strikes

His Twitter account (as everyone knows)

daily sets records with all of the “likes”

Our Donnie is perfect

Donnie, by far, has the biggest brain

brain scientists have ever seen

though damn dumb Democrats claim he's insane

LIB'RELS are always just nasty and mean

Our Donnie is big-brained

Don-nie, you are the best

we've said all along

you are thrice-blest

Ig-nore those Democrat pests

all of their broads

have teeny breasts

Though you are the best
we have to confess

we feel some distress and dismay

Ivanka, your daughter,

you orta deport her

because who she married. Oi vay!

Oh, Don-nie, deport her today

№ 709.2: EXTRA! I Spells 'Em Like I Smells 'Em

Mark Esperanto? Trump Misnames His Defense Secretary in Tweet (Paywall)

Even for a president who often lards his online missives with typos, caps-lock abuses and errant exclamation points, Sunday’s Twitter missive on Syria contained an outsize number of errors.

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

The reason I called him “Mark Esperanto”?
I'm The Lone Ranger. I want a Tonto.
A faithful companion who'll stand behind me
and always say, “Me follow you, Ke-mo sah-bee.”
I know I've got Pence to cover my tushy.
But I do not trust him. I think he's pushy.
He could engineer, I fear, a coup.
Which, in his position, is just what I'd do.
Though that is not something I've ever done,
since I never play unless I'm number one.

№ 709.1: EXTRA! WHO? (from Donnie's Greatest Hits)

Anonymous author of Trump ‘resistance’ op-ed to publish a tell-all book (Paywall)

The author of an anonymous column in the New York Times in 2018, who was identified as a senior Trump administration official acting as part of the “resistance” inside the government, has written a tell-all book to be published next month.

The book, titled, “A WARNING,” is being promoted as “an unprecedented behind-the-scenes portrait of the Trump presidency” that expands upon the Times column, which ricocheted around the world and stoked the president’s rage because of its devastating portrayal of Trump in office.

The column described Trump’s leadership style as “impetuous, adversarial, petty and ineffective,” and noted that “his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back.”

The author of the column, which was titled “I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration” and was published Sept. 5, 2018, was known to the Times but identified by the Times only as a senior official in the Trump administration. The person has not been publicly identified.

Trump lashed out at the anonymous author after the column’s publication. The president questioned both whether the author existed and whether the author had committed treason. He also demanded on Twitter that the Times turn over “the GUTLESS anonymous person” to the government “at once.” The Times did not.

The forthcoming book will list the author as “Anonymous.” Although the person does not reveal their identity in the book, they will discuss the reasons for their anonymity, according to people involved in the project.

“Picking up from where those first words of warning left off, this explosive book offers a shocking, firsthand account of President Trump and his record,” reads a statement about the book’s release.

VENGENCEISMINE (October 22)

(with apologies to Jerome Kern, Otto Harbach and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Email subscribers click here.

Who

is the dirty rat?

Who

in MY #MAGA hat!

Some damn scum

who's ratting me out

who deserves a punch

in the snout.

Who,

after torture, I guess.

will will be glad to confess

to

whatever I tell them to.

Who?

Hope it ain't you.

№ 709: Donnie Want Piece Pries (wait'll next year)

 TCCN EXCLUSIVE 

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 21)

THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned that announcement of the winner of 2019 Nobel Peace Prize was withheld from U.S. President Donald J. Trump until last evening. President Trump had considered himself the front runner. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY is the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL®.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee, made up of five members appointed by the Norwegian Parliament none of whom are registered Republicans, announced Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali as the winner on October 11. 

According to TCCN's exclusive sources who have requested anonymity because she is not authorized or qualified to speak on such matters or much of anything else really, the president was for several days diverted from watching TV by Secret Service agents placing a number of “bright, shiny objects” throughout the White House and flashing laser beams on them. The First Lady also disclosed that the president was continually provided with extra-strength Diet Coke® during the crisis.

The news embargo was finally shattered when Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) assured Mr. Trump he'd be “a shoe-in next year”. The president, when done blubbering into his blankie, demanded he be told the whole story and was briefed by aides. Slowly.

According to TCCN's exclusive source, Mr. Trump, after being dissuaded by top military advisers from launching preemptive nuclear strikes on Norway and Ethiopia and being advised by in-house consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, there was no one he could sue, sent a “beautiful” congratulatory letter to Mr. Abiy, closing with the admonition “Have a NICE life.”

The Wikipedia entry on Mr. Abiy states he 

is multilingual and speaks Afaan Oromo, Amharic, Tigrinya, and English. He is a fitness aficionado and professes that physical health goes hand in hand with mental health and, as such, he frequents physical and gym activities in Addis Ababa. Abiy is a devout Evangelical Pentecostal Christian of the Full Gospel Believers' Church.

The following tweet, since deleted, was Mr. Trump's only other response.

DONNIEDREAM (October 20)

How can it be with a brain of my size

I did not win the No Bell Peas Pries?

Really?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?

WHAT (excuse me!) THE FUCK is great about him?
He could never, had he the whim,

vaporize nations with nuclear power

and has not got his name on one fucking tower!

These pries-giving whoevers do not realize

what I might do if I don’t get a pries.
Really!? Obama AND the Daily Lama,
but nothing for me? That could cause trauma.

It'd be great during next year's campaign. . .
my name's announced. . .Dems go insane.
Meantime, jes' sayin', it would be shame
if Africa-guy hopped on a bad Boeing plane. . .

№ 708.1: EXTRA! An Embittered Tweet Untweeted

Power Up: Mulvaney's job hangs in balance after rough performances defending Trump

  (Paywall)

CNN's Kaitlan Collins, Dana Bash, Jim Acosta, and Gloria Borger first reported on Mulvaney's tenuous standing: “Top aides including Trump's son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner were in the process of reaching out to at least two potential replacements for the top West Wing job” even before the House impeachment inquiry began.

WHYME (October 21)

This is gonna be tricky. . .
slippin' Mulvaney a Mickey. . .
goddamned “quid pro quo”
schmoe's gotta go. . .
I mean what the fuck
how did I get stuck
with another dodo,
Larry, Curly and Moe?

“Mick was a great guy
I liked him a lot.
He did great work.”

Okay, next jerk.

[updated 10/21/2019, 4:00 pm]

№ 708: Comparative Derision (by D. J. Trump, DSSD*)

INHISMINDS👁 (October 20)

Gandhi and Buddha? So overrated.
And dare I mention Mohammed?
Based (someone said) on the old YHWH scam,
he created this brand and called it “Islam”.
Instead of using his own Christian name!?
THAT, if you ask ME. . .totally lame.

Now, Marx and Mao,
they knew how to do IT.
Put your name on it
THEN. WRITE. THE. BOOK!
Which I (personally) did
at least once or twice.
Jesus, I'm smarter
than whatsizname Christ.
—————————
*Doctor-ate of Self-Serving Divinity, Trump University Travesty

№ 707: Donnie Mercury*

Email subscribers click here.

AMONGTHERUINS (October 17)

(with apologies to Buck Ram)

I have never been a pretender (thank you, screw you)
I actually am doing well (thank you, screw you)
I am top notch, yes, you may touch my crotch
We all know I'm going to hell

No, I've never been a pretender (thank you, screw you)
There's nothing that I could not own (thank you, screw you)
I cheat, I lie and I alibi
and then I tweet on my phone

When real news claims that I am corrupt
I say it's FAKE! and my fans eat it up.
Okay, maybe I am a pretender (so what, who cares)
surrounded by even worse clowns (Rudy, Rudy)
I'm seen to be what I am (you see)
I wear a lamé dressing gown
I really do need a crown

Yeah-ah-ah-ah, wah-ha-ha-who
I'm such a heal that it can't be concealed
Okay, maybe I am a pretender
surrounded by even worse clowns (Rudy, Rudy)
I'm seen to be what I am (you see)
in my gold lamé dressing gown
I really do
I really do want a crown
——————————
*Mercury: a Roman god of commerce, eloquence, travel, cunning, and theft who serves as messenger to the other gods — Merriam Webster

№ 706.1: EXTRA! EXTRA! Get Yer Fax Straight! EXTRA! EXTRA!

Mulvaney Says Holdup of Ukraine Aid Was Tied to Trump’s Demand for DNC Server (Paywall)

WASHINGTON—A top White House official for the first time linked President Trump’s decision to hold up aid to Ukraine to his desire for Kyiv to probe a Democratic National Committee server related to the 2016 election, then hours later issued a statement contradicting his own remarks.

The initial comments at a White House briefing by acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney caused alarm among senior White House aides and the president’s legal team. Mr. Trump has repeatedly denied there was any quid pro quo related to the aid. Late Thursday afternoon, Mr. Mulvaney issued a statement, reviewed by Mr. Trump, reversing his remarks and saying there was no connection.

WHATISAIDWASNOTWHATISAID (October 17)

What part of absolute do you not understand?
What Donnie does is the law of the land.
God put him in office (we all agree)
so he could rule over us by decree.
If Congress and Courts do not go along. . .
well, let's just say, that won't be for long.
We do still insist this is a democracy.
You got a problem with this hypocrisy?
Were I in your place, I would not let that be known,
I would keep my head low and bow down to the throne.
Winner take all is how we play the game,
and you suckers lost. Ain't that a shame?

(And, please, gracious leader, do not have me shot
or say I'm a “great guy” and you “like me a lot”.
We know every time you utter those words,
the “great guy” gets gone. Just like the Kurds.)

For Republicans:

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For Democrats:

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№ 706: Donnie Bosa Nova

Email subscribers click here.

BOSA OF ALL BOSAS (October 16)

(with apologies to Antônio Carlos Jobim,  Vinicius de Moraes and  Norman Gimbel)

Gross and old and bald and ugly,
squeaking, squawking, tweeting and balking,
this sleazy Queens guy
who's Satan's minion per-sists
His lips move
you know he's lying
that he's there is mor-tif-y-ing
you question how could
a just God ex-ist
Ooh, but he so churns your stomach
how can we rid ourselves of him
this total a-moral hummock
each day
brings more misery
he lies con-tin-u-al-ly
Gross and old and bald and ugly,
squeaking, squawking, tweeting and balking,
this sleazy Queens guy
who's Satan's minion per-sists
Why does he ex-ist
Why must he ex-ist
How can he ex-ist
Goddam, but I'm pissed