№ 562.3: EXTRA! God And Boeing

How Boeing’s 737 MAX Failed
The plane’s safety systems, and how they were developed, are at the center of the aerospace giant’s unfolding crisis

WISHFUL THINK, March 29

There is no way of knowing
if God worked at Boeing
but, clearly, there are similarities.
Both treat engineering
as a veneering.
to cover up missing mortality.
If you spot a problem
rather than solve it
apply a quick fix
which does not resolve it.
This is why the world's such a hash
and also why a Boeing might crash.

[updated March 30, 2019 2:10 p.m.]
[updated March 30, 2019 11:22 a.m.]
[updated March 30, 2019 11:08 a.m.]
[updated March 29, 2019 11:57 p.m.]

№ 562.2: EXTRA! Brittle Little Britain

Republished from No. CLXII: My Weekly Reader revisited, September 23, 2017

LONDON, the recent past

Brexit

Rule Britannia

Britannia rule the Thames

even if it's just

from London to Gravesend

British Empire

№ 562.1: EXTRA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

Trump Boasts About Mueller Report, Jeers ‘Collusion Delusion’ at Rally

Hurls insults at Democrats, says rivals ‘tear up the fabric of American democracy’

The Mueller Report has three hundred pages. . .
every one says “NO COLLUSION”
which, as you know, all of FOX sages
said was the only conclusion
possible given the facts
which were not in dispute
despite Rachel Meadow's unfair attacks
(a lezzie to boot, she's not even cute),
she's so in the sack
with the Dems who condemn. . .
there's lotsa gay gals — maybe her “pals”? —
I could make normal, you know anti-abortion,
soon as I'm done with my Mueller distortion.)

[corrected 3/31/2019, 11:54 p.m.]

№ 562: Crystal Ball

REAL WORLD, March 28

When you look closely,

you see we're such jerks,

it hard to imagine

that anything works.

Why, for instance,

more cars don't crash

since our abilities

are so slapdash.

Could be our “settling” —

how we make-do —

is the secret ingredient

pulling us through?

Or is it our breeding,

our over producing

children, that prevents

our numbers reducing?

Optimist cite

Homo sapien pluck.

All that I see is

just pure dumb luck.

Call it this, call it that,

I have no doubt,

whatever it is,

it's running out.
Anthropology shows
we too shall pass.
WHATEVER WE DO.
You bet your ass.

№ 561.2 EXTRA! Christian View Of Sharia Law, Accentuate The Positive

Brunei brings in death by stoning as punishment for gay sex

From 3 April, people in the tiny south-east Asian kingdom will be subject to a draconian new penal code based on sharia law

Brunei is to begin imposing death by stoning as a punishment for gay sex and adultery from next week, as part of the country’s highly criticised implementation of sharia law.

REPUBLIC OF GILEAD, March 28

We know we're God's chosen

though there may be a flaw

in our opposition

to Sharia Law.

Stoning fags and adulterers

makes perfect sense

and would be commended

by VP Mike Pence.

But removing thieves' hands

strikes us as extreme

and would hurt the economy. . .

if you know what we mean.

With banning all alcohol,

we're fine and dandy,

but lay off our ciggies

and don't touch our candy.

Mass capital punishment

could cause a fuss,

but we're okay with prison

for all folks not us.

№ 561.1: EXTRA! Catholic Mom Dresses Down Notre Dame Coed Slackers

‘Think of the mothers of sons’: Notre Dame mom begs female students to stop wearing leggings, sparking protests (Paywall)

While attending mass at the University of Notre Dame last fall, Maryann White saw something that horrified her: Leggings.

A group of young women, all clad in tight, clingy Spandex and short tops, were sitting directly in front of her and her family.

“I thought of all the other men around and behind us who couldn’t help but see their behinds,” the self-described Catholic mother of four sons wrote in a letter to the editor that was published by the Observer, Notre Dame’s student newspaper, on Monday.

SOUTH BENT, March 28

God made men without controls.
Then He made women to save their souls.
Nun's habits for Catholic Babbitts.
Wear the hijab. That is your job.
When you're at Mass, don't show your ass.
Lest you destroy a good Catholic boy.
Show some respect. I thank God, at least
your tight young bod does not distract the priest.

[updated 3/28/2019, 8:14 a.m.]

№ 561: Pardons From Rose Garden (part the first?)

THE SWAMP, March 27

I’m fine with Mike Flynn — good guy, I like him.

His lying to Pence? I call that a whim.

Paul Manafort I would never sell short,

he was, in some ways, my closest cohort.

And dear Roger Stone, why need he atone?

With nothing admitted, he must be acquitted,

if a jury can't see it, I will decree it.

(Memo to Stone: Man, we're okay, relax.

But, please, not my face tattooed on your back

unless you are fixin’ to cover up Nixon’s —

it's not Dickie's face, it's more I need my space.)

№ 560.1: EXTRA! Bitcoin (now you see it, now you don't)

Nearly all Bitcoin trades are fake, apparently

Bitwise, a crypto-asset management firm, analyzed 81 exchanges, finding that 71 of them exhibited patterns that reflected artificial trading volume. . . .Although the exchanges in the study reported a combined $6 billion in daily volume during four days this month, Bitwise determined that only $273 million of it was real.

EREHWON, March 27

What, after all, is your Bitcoin:
an algorithmic invention.
Bitcoin can never have any worth
which I suspect is intentional.
All crypto-coins are meant to purloin
things of value conventional.
Things which exist in time and in space,
which are, in fact, three-dimensional.

Bitcoins are bits, just one's and nought's
somewhere in our electronical ether.
Bitcoins can only be sold and bought
if there's power to run your computer.
When electric goes out, they are wiped out.
But to be fair, they never were there.

If you desire not to be rolled,
take care and enfold your billfold.
And, if you can, stuff your mattress with gold.
Gold, history shows, is cold and embitters.
It does not buy contentment, but it, at least, glitters.

[updated 3/28/2019, 2:00 a.m.]

№ 560: Soliloquy by Donald J. Trump, Genius

Email subscribers click here.
THE SWAMP, March 26
What's the whole point of being king

if you can't have anyone shot? Or anything?

Why otherwise bother being great Cæsar

instead of another hole-cheating golf geezer?

Power is as power does.

And it is therein there lies the buzz,

knowing and glowing how you beat the fuzz.
You are free, invincible, beyond all control

to continue down Wonderland's deep-dark rabbit hole.

Free to feed your greedy need,

knowing now nothing can ever impede
your speed of descent.

'swhat Looie meant,

“Me, I AM the government.”

№ 559.1 EXTRA! The Turds Strike Back

Trump Officials Broaden Attack on Health Law, Arguing Courts Should Reject All of It (Paywall)

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration broadened its attack on the Affordable Care Act on Monday, telling a federal appeals court that it now believed the entire law should be invalidated.

THE SWAMP, March 26

Look. It is simple.

Must we explain?

Blocking Dem voters

is too great a strain.

Purging vote rolls

is never a crime,

but we can’t gerrymander

everywhere, every time.

Killing Obamacare

is better instead.

If we watch them real close,

Dems won’t vote if they’re dead.

We've promised repeal
in every campaign.
(May we say in addition,
“Up yours, John McCain!”)

№ 559: On Leadership (by Donald J. Trump, Genius)

(with apologies to Alec Wilder, Morty Palitz and Bill Engvick — AGAIN)

Email subscribers click here.

WASHINGTON, March 25

Kings are born to rule
Just like me
It's what they learn in school
Just like me

None can refuse
my royal command
I must not lose
That is my plan

Though I may someday
pass away
While I'm here you'll do
as I say

Will all the lies
I can devise
win the Nobel Prize
Wait and see

№ 558: The Devil They Don't Know or How Evangelicals See Trump (a secular perspective)

HELL, March 24

The Devil farms victims whom he seduces

with disarming and charming amusing abuses, always and only true to himself, while pretending to be somebody else: a hero, whom the gullible trust, leaving them saying, “He is of us. He's on our side. He shares our goal”, then, as a consequence, they lose their soul. Clods plod the sod cloven hooves trod, lucky for them there is no god.

№ 557.5: EXTRA! Bend It Like Brexit

Uri Geller urges mass-telepathy against Brexit

“Maybe I’m a bit too late but at least I’m trying my best to use my paranormal abilities, because I’m very concerned that Theresa May will step out of EU,” Geller told Reuters.

TEL AVIV, March 24

Uri, buddy, you are aware

telepathy's about as useful as prayer.

That said, this proves beyond a doubt

when it comes to reason Uri's still out.

№ 557.4: EXTRA! Trump: “Complete And Total” Misrepresentation

Mueller Doesn’t Find Trump Campaign Conspired With Russia

A summary of the special counsel’s report that Attorney General William Barr sent to Congress on Sunday found that while the report “does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him” on the question of obstruction of justice.

Speaking to reporters in Florida on Sunday before boarding Air Force 1, Mr. Trump called the findings a “complete and total exoneration.”

WASHINGTON, March 24

The record will show beyond dispute

the serpent never gave Eve any fruit.