Saturday, September 8, 2018

№ 417.1: EXTRA! Go Fry An Amalekite? (or playing the ultimate trump card)


In one story reported in [Bob Woodward's new book] Fear, defense secretary James Mattis ignores an order from Trump to assassinate the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, after his regime uses chemical weapons against civilians.

Must I remind you
what Samuel said
about the Amalekites,
“God wants 'em dead!”*?

Fuck “Mr. President”!
Call me Yahweh instead.

*Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:3, KJV

Friday, September 7, 2018

№ 417: Old Time Religion

What IS God's problem?
I mean, think about it.
He claims to exist,
yet smart people doubt it.
He punishes you
on the slightest whim
and still insists
that you worship him.
Behaving in ways
that ever perplex. . .
And don't get me started
on his Jehovah Complex.

And don't go telling me
that's just how things are.
That God is most cozy
with kings, fascists and tsars 
who behave just as he does
whenever they are.
That this Kingdom of Heaven
never needs an election
since it exists
in a state of perfection
with dissidents sent to warm-weather camps
where they're tortured forever
by cloven-hoofed scamps.
(Which strikes me as worse
than collecting stamps.)

God's various followers
hate one another.
If you see 'em coming,
better take cover.
Monotheism is
one sorry excuse.
Forget it, I say.
Let's bring back Zeus.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

№ 416.2: EXTRA! A Pensive Denial

BBC: Does 'lodestar' guide us to anti-Trump op-ed author?

(with apologies to Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick)

I am not “the Lodestar”,
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de.
All day long I worship Donald Trump
to maintain my “credability”.
Doing this you work hard
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de,
when not tweeting, Donald is, of course,
playing golf or working toward divorce.

He builds ugly hotels where he sleeps with porn stars
right in the middle of the town
where he keeps on file their signed NDAs.
He binge watches FOX News
dressed in a bathrobe or a dressing gown
at least, that is, he does that on his better days.

He filled his administration with toadies and hacks
who he thinks'll be loyal when he attacks
people or laws he sees getting in his way.
At all hours thumbs tweeting,
click-clackety-clackety-clack,
lies I know he never will take back
as Sarah strives to keep the facts at bay.

BUT!
I am not “the Lodestar”,
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de.
All day long I worship Donald Trump
to maintain my “credability”.
Doing this you work hard
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de.
Can't say what sent down this road
but I am not “the Lodestar”, man.

I put Trump far above
the land I say I love.
How can I do this?
What is my thing with him?
Why help his fights
and spend sleepless nights
just so this can end
someway maybe a teeny bit less grim?

He rants and he raves and he misbehaves
scaring allies, fawning on autocrats.
Could it be true all we have in common
is our distaste for Democrats?

Yes, of course, he is packing the courts
with extreme Catholic, right-wing Scalia clones.
So someday soon we will end abortion,
gay marriage and be free to cast our stones.

We won't have to bake gay wedding cakes
and school kids will start their days with prayer.
Maybe they won't learn to read and write
but if they know their Bible, do we care?

All of the nation will study Creation,
evolution will be forever banned.
And we'll teach that our Revolution
went exactly according to God's plan.

BUT!
I am not “the Lodestar”,
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de.
All day long I worship Donald Trump
to maintain my “credability”.
Doing this you work hard
Ish Kabibble, ish ka-
bobble, diddle de.
When I signed on to the GOP
I never dreamed that it would come to be
I'd be damned for all eternity.
I wish I were “the Lodestar”, man!



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№ 416.1: EXTRA! Sparrow Us

WSJ: Senior White House Officials Deny Writing Anonymous Op-Ed Piece (Paywall)

Top officials including vice president and secretary of state disavow anonymous New York Times column describing internal effort to contain President Trump

(with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)


Who would write op-ed anonymously?
To criticize my presidency?
“Not I,” said Mike Pence,
“in no happenstence
would I be that dense
but then, yes, of course,
as history takes, its course. . .”

Who anonymously
would care to dare to criticize me?
“Not I,” said Pompeo,
“I would never fillet-o,
for what it's worth,
your enormous girth.
Upon my word. It is absurd.”

Who, for a negotiated fee,
will soothe and comfort me?
“Not I,” said the porn star.
"Take your NDA and shove it far
into the place where your brains are.”

Who will save poor little Don?
Somebody, soon, or I'll be gone.
“I will,” said Mueller.
“You overwrought, over-aged pathetic preschooler.
I will be far, far, far less crueler.”



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№ 416: Oh The Humanity!

The Humane Society always says that
it's best to spay/neuter your dog or your cat
to make them peaceful, calm, better behaved,
less liable to act up, less likely to stray.
May I suggest, if that be true,
couldn't we do it with children too?

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

№ 415.2: EXTRA! The Unraveled Sleave Of I Don't Much Care (a Trump meditation on treachery most foul)

NYT: I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration (Paywall)

I work for the president but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.

The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.

I would know. I am one of them.

Nothing here, folks.
FAKE MEDIA SCAM!
As somebody said,
“I am that I am.”

And it is obvious
for all to see
I have my toadies
complete loyalty.
The @failingTimes
declines to reveal
the name of make-believe
SICK rat who squealed.
Telling these lies
about my GREAT people.
Lies @failingTimes sells
SICK Democrat sheeple.

This will not be my last hurrah,
but if it is, que sera, que sera.

(Ivanka: I don't know if it's true or not,
but find out who wrote this then have them shot.
As to the venue 
let's do Fifth Avenue.
Your brother Don's shotgun?
Let me know, hon.
I think it'll be
both barrels of fun.)

[updated 9/5/2018 8:52 pm]

№ 415.1: EXTRA! A Pence Sharia Accomplice



Islamic Aceh district rules only married or related couples can eat out at the same table

Now before you go saying, “Golly! Pshaw!”,
note that Mike Pence supports this Sharia Law.
(Something, I'll warrant, he never foresaw.)

A religious fanatic loves being dogmatic
and often indulges in thought acrobatic
which, while not democratic, can be dramatic.

№ 415: Why Satirize?

I don't believe Juvenal or Aristophanes
ever expected they'd change their societies.
Even in Latin, even in Greek,
all satire is is a frustrated shriek.
Swift's modest proposal in re: Irish babies
did not change a thing. No ifs, buts or maybes.
The purpose of satire is what it is.
So people can laugh and continue their bus-
iness ignoring the fuss,
shaking their heads, saying, “Oh, silly us.”
And the future can laugh, look back and say,
“Things were so crappy, back in the day.
It makes me so happy WE aren't that way.”

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

№ 414.13: EXTRA! Keep Psalm And Carry On?



Woodward describes “an administrative coup d’etat” and a “nervous breakdown” of the executive branch, with senior aides conspiring to pluck official papers from the president’s desk so he couldn’t see or sign them.

How long, O GOP? Can you “stand by your man” forever?
How long will you ignore basic decency?
How long must we bear this incumbrancy,
this exultation of lack of morality?
How long can you ignore rationality?

Consider and answer, Grand Old Party,
party of Lincoln and Teddy,
this president who you support, if waveringly,

And though we trust you to lower taxes,
it is increasingly clear that other factors
could be more important.
An electoral portent?

№ 414.2: EXTRA! Rudy's Ex Penning A Book (will the subtitle be "Yes, He's A Crook"?)



A source close to Judith said she has been in talks with at least three publishing houses about her book, which promises to lift the lid on the private side of President Trumps prevaricating personal lawyer and the wealthy circles he operates in.

Everyone anxious to get the first look
at Rudy's third ex's promised new book?
Rudy's pals call her a “detestable” gal,
claiming “She'd cut your throat for a dollar.”
Though fifteen years wed (some days in the same bed),
qualifies her as a great Rudy scholar
who sees through his guises and know the wiseguys, his
“business” and his “known associates”
and may shed some light which just might delight
Bob Mueller with whom he negotiates
on behalf of the incumbent White House resident,
who soon if we're lucky will not be our president.
This could prove to be an information Niagara. 
Oh my!
Larger than Rudy's and Donald's Viagra supply.

№ 414.1: EXTRA! Jeff Sessions — the AG and the conspiracy

NYT: Trump Blasts Sessions for Charging G.O.P. Members Before Midterms (Paywall)
Sept. 3, 2018

In a pair of tweets sent midafternoon, Mr. Trump suggested that the Justice Department should not have brought charges against two “very popular” Republican lawmakers running for re-election so close to November because it could jeopardize the party’s control of the House.

Jefferson Sessions has a serious flaw. Though he's my AG, he follows the law! The facts are so simple. Obviously, no one is guilty if they support me. And whether they are guilty or not —
I am THE PRESIDENT and I say so what? Protect your friends, punish your foes. Someone gets in your way, they get punched in the nose. If Jeff's unwilling to abuse his powers, I gotta tell 'im, bye-bye, hit the showers.

№ 414: Ye Gods!

What if Adam hadn't met Eve?
Would human beings ever have been conceived?
What if the first biological cell
thought, “I. DO. NOT. THINK. SO! 
This CAN NOT end well!”?
What if your parents had had different partners?
You would not be you. 
And that's just for starters.

What if battles lost had been won?
What if there'd never been an Atilla the Hun?
What if Matthew-Mark-Luke-John were lyin'?
Or merely tryin' to write Life Of Brian?
Honestly, do you not think it odd 
the notion that each clan or tribe has a god?
Would Ricardo endorse competing theonomy*
to drive down god prices and grow the economy?



Email subscribers click here.
____________
*If you're wondering what theonomy is,
Mike Pence's presidency will answer that quiz

Monday, September 3, 2018

№ 413.1: EXTRA! Originalism (more)

An originalist
can discern the gist
of just what James Madison thought
and proclaim the solution
with attribution
to a word or two
in the Constitution.

End of the day, all problems solved.
Constitution is fixed. It has not evolved.

№ 413: Originalism!

WaPoTrump couldn’t care less about Kavanaugh’s judicial philosophy (Paywall)

. . .let’s be honest about why he was chosen — and why his choice is so popular on the right. It’s not because of his judicial philosophy, known as “originalism” — i.e., trying to discern the original meaning of the Constitution.

    Originalism.
    Remember when
    the only folks voting
    were rich white men?
    Indeed!
    We currently are seeking ways
    to return once again
    to those glorious days.

    Really! 
    The founders never intended
    one “man” one vote.
    They never pretended.
    Okay, okay.
    “Men created equal”.
    Until someone thought of
    the possible sequel:
    the notion absurd
    of meaning that word.

    Factually, 
    as a matter of act,
    they meant only “men” exact-
    ly as they: 
    white, manly, Protestant.
    (NOT A ONE OF 'EM GAY!)
    Maybe one or two Catholics
    from England's shores,
    if they weren't too Papist
    nor in their practice
    all that hyperactive.

    AND 
    though they would tolerate
    some divergent views,
    they certainly would not
    have welcomed THE JEWS.
    Nor Muslims. 
    Nor Hindus. 
    Nor Sikhs.
    Nor Eastern Rite Russians.
    Nor Buddhists. 
    Nor Orthodox Greeks.
    Nor Rastafarians.
    No place for Vegans. 
    Or Vegetarians!

    NOW 
    that GOD'S PEOPLE are finally winning. . .
    high time for US to go back to beginning.
    Stifle dissent, shrinking the tent,
    in keeping with Founding Founders intent:
    a country of white, Christian, 
    gun-wielding men.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

The Week In Rearview (September 2, 2018)

Monday, August 27
№ 408: Mosquito Rights
. . .the minuscule bloodsuckers kill hundreds of thousands of humans each year, earning the notorious distinction of being the deadliest animal in the world.

№ 408.1: EXTRA! A Trump Solution For Air Pollution
“Polluted air can cause everyone to reduce their level of education by one year, which is huge,” said Xi Chen at Yale School of Public Health. . .

Tuesday, August 28
№ 409: What DO You Tell The Kids?
Even those whose lives arrive on silver platters
soon or late deal with unpleasant matters.

№ 409.1: EXTRA! A Tweet (and a prayer)
GuardianDonald Trump: Google’s news service is rigged against me

Wednesday, August 29
№ 410: World Geography (Borneo)
Is it inessential,
a waste of potential,
being born a brain surgeon on Borneo. . .

№ 410.1: EXTRA! Ya Think?
Scientific AmericanAre Humans the Only Conscious Animal? 

№ 410.2 EXTRA! Another Good Guy Says Goodbye (I wonder why?)
WSJ: White House Counsel Don McGahn Will Leave Post in the Fall

№ 410.3: EXTRA! Rudy Loses Romanian Dignity
Donald Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani is being paid to assist lawyers working to free a wealthy Romanian-American real estate magnate who was convicted and sentenced to prison over a corrupt land deal.

Thursday, August 30
№: 411: Endgame?
Will we ever erase
this idea nugatory:
the notion that “race”
is a real category?

Friday, August 31
№ 412: Speaker Ryan
Obviously,
no one can be 
Christian
AND Libertarian.

№ 412.1: EXTRA! A Distraction?
Fewer people, in particular Republicans, are following the NFL closely than they did four years ago, according to new WSJ/NBC News poll

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