No. 257.1: EXTRA! The Craven (part the first?)

Jan. 25, 2018

WASHINGTON — President Trump ordered the firing last June of Robert S. Mueller III, the special counsel overseeing the Russia investigation, according to four people told of the matter, but ultimately backed down after the White House counsel threatened to resign rather than carry out the directive.

— NYT: Trump Ordered Mueller Fired, but Backed Off When White House Counsel Threatened to Quit (Paywall)

(with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight tweeting, while my thumbs drummed dumbly beating,

Repeating lies of greater size than lies that I did tweet before.

 Abed, bloated, Big Mac snacking, suddenly I heard a tapping,

 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my locked, barred door.

“'Tis perhaps the maid,” I muttered, “tapping at my locked, barred door—

         Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, thought I, no doubt she, as standard White House policy,

Wishes to collect the shirts that I have strewn upon the floor.

   “Wench, be gone,” quoth I. “I am TRUMP, I'll not comply

    With norms or forms which I find duller than a stale, unsugared cruller.

Besides I loathe those or your color and those who might be called Abdullah.”

         A voice said, “It's Robert Mueller!”

No. 257: Don't Feed THE LUMP

(with apologies to Alan Menkin and Howard Ashman)

[email subscribers: go to blog for music]

[Senator COLLINS]
Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed

Similar events in cities across America

Events which bore a striking resemblance

To the ones you have just seen began occurring

[Senators COLLINS, MANSHIN, HEITKAMP]

Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed

Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California

Made the acquaintance of a new breed of claptrap

And got sweet-talked into voting for TRUMP

Thus THE LUMP worked his terrible will

Finding jerks who believed in his swill

And THE LUMP proceeded to grow and grow

And began what he came here to do

Which was essentially to

Eat Cleveland 
And Des Moines

And Peoria 
And New York

AND WHERE YOU LIVE!

[CONGRESS]

He may promise to lower your tax

Build a wall and get regs off your backs

But whatever he promises

Don't feed THE LUMP

[DONALD Jr.]

He's the one who's fake and corrupt

[JARED]

Look how often he went bankrupt

[ERIC]

So whatever Dad offers you

[IVANKA]

Don't feed THE LUMP

[CONGRESS]

Look out! Donald's “dad issues”!

Look out!

[DONALD]

“Here I come for you!”

[DONALD Jr.]

“Here I come for you!”

[ERIC]

“Here I come for you!”

[JARED, IVANKA]

“Here I come for you!”

[CONGRESS]

Hold your hat and hang on to your soul

TRUMP is coming to eat the world whole

Amorphous enormous amoral HUMP

So whatever he offers you

When he appeals to “pissed off” in you

Please, whatever he offers you

Don't feed THE LUMP

[JARED, IVANKA]

Are we tomorrow?

[ALL]

Don't feed THE LUMP!

No. 256: Donald John

Another Vision in another Dream. Another Fragment. More so. (Less so?)

(with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

In Washington did Donald John

(demented to the nth degree)

where Potomac, dirty river, ran

(channel 7 on C-SPAN)

  to pollute the troubled sea,

tripping round, his mind unsound,

dream of walls layed 'pon the ground

down amidst the Tex-Mex hills

miraculously cost-free.

Mexico would foot the bill

for reasons only he could see.

No. 255: Lessors Of Two Evils (at least)

We Evangelicals stand by our man.
Though he's a devil, he is God’s plan
and he is much, much better than
Hillary who is a woman.

We don't know that he's morally destitute.

That he screws porn stars. Perhaps prostitutes.

Anyways, we are sophisticates, not country rubes.

(Did y'all notice Stormy's magnificent boobs?)

As Christians we love our fellow men.
(If they’re not fags. Or Black. Or Mexican.
Or Mohammedan, as we usta say back in the day.)

We just wish 
ALL

non-straight,

non-Caucasian,

non-American,

non-Christian,
non-North European,

non-English speakers

would go

AND 
stay away.

(Please note: this does not make us racist.

Well, maybe a bit whacha call isolationist.)

God gives us the right to pick and to choose.
Some of our lawyers are Jewish Hebrews.
We're fervent pro-lifers, who've developed tactics
whereby we're allowed to collude with Catholics,
who we find real nice, actually swell.
It's a dang pity they’s goin' to hell.
(Where their damned popes and Jewish folks dwell.)

Since you ask, we'd likely, after debatin’,

support, vote for and abide with Satan.

If he was white we’d be convinced
he’d be on our side. 
(Y'all know, he's a prince!?)

No. 254: Trump's Physical (EYES ONLY small print edition)

Doctor's Report Ends Distortion 
(contains mature content, we urge reader caution)

it is no fable

the President's stable

though he may

watch way too much cable

his mental health

matches his wealth

because he always takes

care of himself

he does not smoke

he does not drink

he never jokes

he cannot think

what he lacks in genius

he makes up in meanness

and let us not even

touch on his penis

(there is slippage

in the equipage

at an age where

it is prone to drippage)

reflexes: remarkable

there was no gap
both knees jerked
before I could tap

as to his prostate

A-OK first rate

balls: all brass

ass: massive

bowels: unblocked

mind: barely half-cocked

anger and ego
race through his veins 

as you may have guessed
he has ____ for brains

[updated 1/23/2018 10:54 am EST]

No. 253.1: EXTRA! Broken News — Government To Reopen

Peace be upon you, citizens. Dance!

GOP has put on our big boy pants*?

Usually, we reject in the GOP

anything other than complete victory.

Reduce the other guy†

to less than half-size.

It counts as defeat

if we compromise.

You'll be expelled

if you think otherwise.

Dealing with Schumer

is like having a tumor.

Were he removed,

things would be. . .improved.

*Yes, I know. Nearly a quarter of the boys in the Senate are girls, but, what with the Senatorial Viagra addiction crisis, that ain't enough to make a difference in testosterone levels in the lower chamber of the members of the upper chamber's members.

†Ibid.

No. 253: Trump (Year I)

In the world of Donald J. Trump, 
they hide deficiencies,
proclaiming omniscencies.

Fasten your seatbelt. (In case of a bump.)

Did I say A bump?

Not precisely the case.

Nothing but bumps 
in Trump time-and-space.

Bankruptcies, divorces, 
“University” “courses”

led us to coping

with pussy groping.
“Lies”, he replies. 

”FAKE news. 
FAKE sources!”

His nuclear weapon?
Misdirection-deception:
bleating tweeting,
defeating the facts.
He's indefensible
so he attacks.

Ought he have cavorted
with a porn star?
Told her she's beautiful?
Daughter-like, smart?
Is it just me or was that bizarre?

Running his mouth,
when things go south,

Donald Trump-splains:
“It is a shame.
I'm not to blame.
I only do glory.
End of the story!”

His brain is teeming, it never idles.

He blusters, boasts, bullies. Bristles. He bridles.

Pubescent insults his tongue unfurls.

He is the meanest of all the mean girls.