Friday, March 1, 2019

№ 542: The Unneeded Scheme


The walls fall: prototypes for Trump's southern border barrier come down

A worker passes a partially demolished border wall prototype during demolition at the border between Tijuana, Mexico, and San Diego on 27 February 2019. Photograph: Gregory Bull/AP
Demolition comes the same week that the House voted to block Trump’s national emergency declaration 


(with apologies to Joe Darion and Mitch Leigh)
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To build this unneeded dumb wall,
to screw all the people I know,
to never repay what I borrow,
see Vietnam where, when young,
I would not go.
To watch prostitutes piss in thongs,
to grab all the pussy I can,
to lie until all eyes glaze over,
to boff a famous porn star.
This is my quest.
You say, “You're bizarre.”
You say, “You're shameless,
you amateur tsar!
To incite the far right
to violate laws,
to drive the country
to hell
to hear NAZI applause.”
But I know
if I'll only be true
to this infamous quest
that no one
will note or catch on
when I try incest.
And I know I'll be
famous for this.
Forget porn.
Forget I'm Putin's moll.
Because U.S.
Congress lacks courage,
I will build my damned Mexico wall.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

№ 541.1: EXTRA! Trumped Up Sworn Statement


Mr Trump said: "He tells me he didn't know about it, and I will take him at his word."
Kim says something's so,
so it's true. He's no liar.
Cohen says I'm a crook,
I reply, “Pants on fire!”
Truth I hold
depends upon the venyah.
Forget the facts,
Obama's from Kenya.

[updates 3/1/2019, 10:33 am]
[updated 2/28/2019 2:01 pm]

№ 541: Cohen Testifies (challenge and response)


Six Key Takeaways From the Michael Cohen Hearing

President’s former lawyer sheds light on hush-money payments, WikiLeaks and plan to build a Trump Tower in Moscow during the 2016 campaign

“Every day, most of us knew we were coming in and we were going to lie for him on something,” Mr. Cohen said. “That became the norm.”


This FAKE distinction between truth and lie?
I can't say I get it. (Not that I try.)
I have all the best words which I know appeal.
That's the secret behind The Art Of The Steal DEAL.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

№ 540: Michael Cohen's Opening Remarks As He Testifies To Congress



President’s ex-lawyer will tell House committee he witnessed Trump’s ‘lies, racism and cheating,’ role in hush payments, says a person familiar with his plans

“I’m going to let the American people decide exactly who’s telling the truth,” he said.

EXCLUSIVE! Theatrical Cement Company (the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL) has exclusively obtained the following exclusive advance copy of Michael Cohen's opening statement to House committee public hearing looking into whatever House committees look into in lieu of legislating. (God only knows what they do at the closed hearings.)

I am Michael Cohen. I was consigliere
to the boss of La Cosa Trump, 
who I will testify is truly scary
and who believed me his chump.
Mr. Trump does diddle
everyone, everything.
He IS into piddle. . .
that Moscow thing?
I can't say what goes on
in the West Wing.
(Save for the slanders
of Huckabee Sanders.)

I have my suspicions since he was so keen
to dig up some dirt on Charlie Sheen
that he could hold over Martin, Sheen's father,
who he thinks was once president. (Why. DID. I. Bother?)

Mr. Trump lives in a realm of his own.
He's not of this world. Please, E.T., call him home.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

№ 539: The Twain Meet (the second date)

With apologies to Cole Porter. 


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I love Kim.
And I tell you this is not some whim.
Though he may be a murderer, a horrible dictator,
his people love him like mine love me — albeit mine love greater.
I envy how he gets to rule without a legislature.
Yes, I love Kim.

Of all the tyrants that I've met within my presidancy
since the day that I took up my White House residancy,
Kim, I gotta tell ya, is the one who I most fancy.
Oi, I love Kim.

I love Kim.
I kenna tell ya how much I love him.
He kills at will just as they do in beautiful Araby
and in China, Russia — no ifs, no buts, no maybes.
I wonder how he would dispatch our Democrat crybabies.
Yes, I love Kim.

When I meet with my dear Kim my heart goes all a flutter.
He so reminds me of Roy Cohn I almost turn to butter.
And, no, I am no fag, so get your mind out of the gutter.
But I love Kim.

Monday, February 25, 2019

№ 538: Dinner

I consider myself vegetarian
even though I eat meat
Attempting to live an ethical life
can only end in defeat
because before we were human
our ancestors “chose” flesh over rumen-
ating creating
an ethical quandary:
(Reminder to self: need to do laundry.)
for us to survive,
for us to thrive,
many animals
regrettably die.
Had things evolved in
their — not our! — favor,
life might have had a
quite different flavor.
Whether you dine,
whether you're meat.
Enjoy your dinner.
Bon appétit!