№ 677: Ask Questions Later

Walmart to stop selling some types of ammunition

Company to ask shoppers not to openly carry firearms, even where legal, after series of mass shootings

MOMMIEI'MASCARED (September 5)

Emotional cripples and folks that are blind
take “support” pets to Walmart. (Which I think is fine.)
Why can't I walk in with my AR-15? 
I need support, too! Walmart, you're mean.
It is not fair. How do you dare
infringe my right to keep-and-bear?

Hey, legislators, you do know I'm votin'?
As for the rest of you, you know I'm totin'.
If your “support” pup tries to attack,
I'm locked and loaded. I WILL shoot back.
When I am packin', I stand my ground.
And I'm always packin', don't mess me around.

I'm unsure, insecure and quick to alarm.
I need firepower. It keeps me calm.

№ 676.1: EXTRA! If It Quacks Like A Duck. . .

Mike Pence’s sycophancy comes back to bite him (Paywall)

There is not a more oleaginous sycophant in President Trump’s inner circle than Vice President Pence. Ironically, the one person Trump cannot fire is also the one most prone to elaborate expressions of loyalty that would put North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s courtiers to shame. Pence will defend any remark, make any argument and sacrifice any principle (e.g., support for federal law enforcement, get tough with dictators, free trade) to stay in Trump’s good graces.

SWAMP CITY (September 5)

I am not questioning Mike Pence's “faith”.

(Although I may have some quarrels.)

The question I have for the VP

is, “Do you have left any morals?”

I will grant him his boss is a bawling infant

but that need not make Mike a complete sycophant.

Better to dine with a woman alone

than to acknowledge your soul's not your own.

Donnie, he knows, is the ultimate sleaze.

What is it, pray tell, that keeps Mike on his knees.

What is the attraction, one must needs ask why,

that keeps him transfixed on his boss's fly.

[updated 9/5/2019 1:50 pm]

№ 676: Boris Trumps Whilst Trump Bores Us

WISHWEWERENOTHERE (September 4)

Boris is such a discombobulator.
Makes our Donnie look like a third grader.
Which, of course, we knew he was.
This pompous, pathetic lizard of ours.

When nations suffer electoral quirks
you end up with governments headed by jerks.
We should (maybe) rethink divine rights and kings
if clowns are what democracy brings.

№ 675.1: EXTRA Maps To The Future

President Trump showed a doctored hurricane chart. Was it to cover up for ‘Alabama’ Twitter flub? (Paywall)

Trump had erroneously stated that Hurricane Dorian threatened Alabama.

Altering official government weather forecasts isn’t just a cause for concern — it’s illegal. Per 18 U.S. Code 2074, which addresses false weather reports, “Whoever knowingly issues or publishes any counterfeit weather forecast or warning of weather conditions falsely representing such forecast or warning to have been issued or published by the Weather Bureau, United States Signal Service, or other branch of the Government service, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ninety days, or both.”

DELUSION, DC (August 4)

If I say Alabama's on a Dorian's path,
it has to be true — you do the math.
I am PRESIDENT or the UNTIDY STATES.
(In addition to which, I'm really great.)
If anyone fakes a U.S. weather map. . .
they go to jail for that kind of crap.
BUTT I AM TRUMP, DONALD: 
ALL STAND IN AWE!
What I say or do, THAT IS the law.

№ 675: Bothers Grim

ASITWASINTHEBEGINNING (September 2)

Life, by nature,
is, at base, brutal.
Nature, herself, is
essentially feudal.
The strongest survive,
the weakest perish.
That is the formula
Mother N cherishes.
Socialist hopefuls
achieving power,
give up the share thing
within the hour.
On the other hand,
Ayn Rand Libertarians
believe she rewards
their grand plans vulgarian.
However, they quickly retreat
in defeat.
Mediocrity cannot
pass for elite.

№ 674: Exorcising Religious Freedom

Harry Potter books removed from Catholic school ‘on exorcists’ advice’

Pastor at St Edward junior school in Nashville says JK Rowling’s use of ‘actual spells’ risks conjuring evil spirits

YOUCAN'TMAKETHISSTUFFUP, TN (September 2)

COULD a book by Ms. Rowling persuade

God-fearing people to go on Crusade?

To burn heretics alive at the stake?

To maim and torture? All for God's sake!

Why, I must ask, do all religions

sit on a park bench and poison the pigeons?

Why, at THIS time, do I find bewilderin'

Catholic concern for the welfare of children?

№ 673.1: EXTRA! Bigger Is Gooder

‘I’m not sure I've even heard of a category 5’ says Donald Trump about Hurricane Dorian – video 

During a briefing on the category 5 Hurricane Dorian sweeping across the Bahamas and toward the US coast, Donald Trump said: ‘All we know is that it's possibly the biggest. I'm not sure I've even heard of a category 5, I knew it existed. And I've seen some category 4s. I don't even think I've heard the term other than I know it it's there and it's the ultimate and that's what we have unfortunately.’ Trump has said the same thing – that he has never heard of category 5 hurricanes – at least four times over the last two years, including as recently as May.

DUNNING-KRUGER (September 2)Q

I never heard of a Cat 5 hurricane,

but I know higher is better.

In school the losers settled for “A's”.

I always got “F's” — a much better letter.

These days I get praise for whatever I do.

Everyone waves at me shouting “F you!”

№ 673: Be Little Britain

DELUSION, ENGLAND (September 1)

There will always be an England
though it may extend
no more than King Henry's arm*
beyond the River Thames.

There will always be an England,
Boris feels it in his gut.
Yet there are those who would contend
Boris is a nut.

There will always be an England
although it deflates
into a protectorate
of the United States.

There will always be and England
if only to enhance
the inflated self-importance
of the denizens of France.

There will always be an England
because if there were not
what would be the point of being
an Irishman or Scot?

There will always be an England
and all that that entails
otherwise there'll be no need
for a Prince of Wales.

“There will always be an England,”
is how I'll end this sermon.
Were it not for Anglo-Saxons,
you'd be reading this in 𝕲𝖊𝖗𝖒𝖆𝖓.
—————————————
*William of Malmesbury's Deeds of the Kings of England records that during the reign of Henry I “the measure of his arm was applied. . .” The folktale that the length was bounded by the king's nose was added some centuries later. — Wikipedia