THE DAILY DOGGEREL is moving back in time.
Same bad rhymes and uneven meter.
Now in a flatbed press form
which was the norm
in the time of Queen Anne
before the U.S. was born.
When near absolute monarchs were bold
and the low-born did what we were told.
A time the GOP much doth prefer.
(Albeit the monarch back then was a her.)
A HOUSE DIVIDED (August 19) —
There are those who say children should be in school.
To which we reply, “Really?"
These inborn immigrants are after our jobs
and although we do love them dearly,
deep down we know they want to replace us,
take all that is rightfully ours,
that they plan to, if they can’t erase us,
place us in “rest homes” somewhere on Mars
where we’ll never see our grandchildren again
as we lapse into senility,
while they, ungrateful, live in our houses
and treat us with outright hostility.
So, no, we say. No school for them.
Let them figure it out on their own.
We want them out of our homes!
We do not need them. It costs so to feed them.
What were thinking? Why did we breed them?
Put them in cages somewhere on the border.
Get them out now. THAT IS AN ORDER!
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.
A substantial portion of the report focuses on the connections of onetime Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort with Konstantin Kilimnik, who is officially described for the first time as a Russian intelligence officer, and Russia-aligned oligarchs in Ukraine. Mr. Manafort’s high-level campaign access and willingness to share information with Mr. Kilimnik and others “represented a grave counterintelligence threat,” the report concluded.
The report also states that Mr. Manafort might have been connected to the Russian intelligence operation to hack and leak Democratic emails as part of its broader effort to denigrate Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and support Mr. Trump’s campaign.
WARNING:
Trump private speech is simulated. Reader caution is advised.
FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DESK: (August 18) —
WHAT THE FUCK, Mitch?
SON OF A BITCH!
How could you let this shit happen?
With S&P hitting new high today
last thing I need is more crappin'
witch hunts from Democrat cunts.
What the fuck is the benefit
of controlling the Senate if it
refuses to cover my ass?
I can't see why you bozos can't lie
as you've been doing en masse
since selling your soul
to reach your goal
of repealing the twentieth century.
Without me do you think you would be
within reach of complete victory?
ALTERNATE REALITY (August 17) —
Can you imagine the fuss THEY’d be making
if Hillary Clinton were president?
Covid would surely be “God’s judgment upon
a sinful, God-sneering Washington resident.”
She’d to be blame for all hurricanes.
Those midwestern storms destroying farms?
“God's condemnation of bitchcraft and charms.”“Donnie come save us”, they’d weep and wail.
But he would not. He’d be in jail.
ON YOUR MARX GET SO (August 16) —
NOTHING! whatever is wrong with the country.
Everything’s just peachy-keen.
We just need to fiddle a bit in the middle …
if you get what we mean?
There is the question of women’s “rights” …
don’t get us wrong we love our women.
We will not neglect them. We will protect them.
We’ll keep ’em in bed- AND table linen.
Then there’s the issue of “rights” for minorities —
all those non-White or unChristian.
We don’t see “races”. They have their places.
In their assigned, lower positions.
SCOTUS is right. Business is people.
And, yes, they give us donations.
BUT, unlike individuals, they should not be subject
to laws or controls or regulations.
A sperm and an egg. One person or two?
We will protect the unborn.
All fertile women will give birth once a month.
(Talk of your “maiden all forlorn”!)
Of course, we support two party democracy —
well, perhaps, one-and-a-half.
Between ourselves and Kanye West
we’ve got you covered. All else is chaff.
Church and State must be kept separate.
With OUR Church ensconced on top.
All other “faiths” will be forbidden,
their believers leaving or compelled to swap.
Guns are not cars. Or dogs. Or marriage.
No license for guns shall be required.
Unlike those things, guns are quite safe,
and, as with wives, they can be “fired”.
Criminal activity will be prohibited.
We will strongly enforce all the laws
that we agree with and that do not interfere
with our doing whatever we want just because.
By conceiving ourselves as God’s Only Party,
we believe we’ll achieve everlasting authority.
The vast majority, however, we note
does not share our view. They must not vote.
We have the answer to every question
whether you like it or not.
If you can’t accept this God's honest TRUTH,
you will be frog-marched outside and shot.
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (August 13) —
We must never be “nasty” to Donnie.
He is such a sensitive lad.
The teensiest bit of unfair appraisal
makes him incredibly SAD.
We must — all of us! — chant fulsome praises,
sing he's a helluva chap
and, of course, always assure him
contrary opinion is crap.
All that we do must aid and abet him.
If he wishes to grab us, then we must let him.
We must be young, demure, and pretty.
(Unlike the scum from the inner city.)
His sure (though small) hand will forever prevail
and we will live happily in his Handmaid's Tale
to know, love, and serve — dare we say adore? —
his head on a steak atop Mount Rushmore.
HERE ANOW (August 12) —
In this virus has Trump met his match?
It is as mindless as he.
Although it is in far better shape
and would prefer much less publicity.
It does not boast, it does not lie,
nor would it fondle a lady's … “thigh”.
It goes about doing its job.
(And, unlike him, has no ties to the mob.)
It is, let's just say, a great deal more reticent
and it would make a better president.
LOOKOUT OUTLOOK (August 11) —
It was only in the late nineteenth century
that we “discovered” what causes disease.
And yet today we obsess on “God Blessing”
when anyone near us happens to sneeze.
Here’s the thing about germs and us:
we lived together for many millennia.
Okay, they killed us (it was God’s will)
and we developed resistance until
we could kill them with injection or pill.
The final battle has now commenced.
There can be no truce since they have no sense.
And anyway there would be naught to discuss.
The Earth isn't big enough for both of us.
It's bound to be a fight to the end.
Given their numbers, I'd bet on them.
THE VERY GODS THEMSELVES CONTEND IN VAIN (August 10) —
What if we had vaccines safe and effective
and then our AMERICAN nutjob collective
said, “I am on to your devious plots
to mess with my bodily fluids.
It’s a free country. I know my rights
No way I’m gonna take it!
No way that you can make me!”?
It’s Donnie’s World. He’s Looney Tunes,
saying, “We’ll see. Probably soon.”
Donnie “honestly” thinks he’s the good guy.
Which, while incredibly “SAD”[!],
serves to bolster the foregone conclusion
that he’s irredeemably mad.
This isn't simply acute Dunning-Kruger.
(Which, nonetheless, still applies.)
It's Donnie's total lack of awareness
from which all of the problems arise.
“A republic,” said Franklin, “if you can keep it.”
back in the day way back when
the Founding Fathers believed that we would.
Frankly, my dears, I doubt that we can.
When the 80th annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally opens Aug. 7 in South Dakota, it will probably be the largest gathering of humanity anywhere in the world this year. Organizers expect a quarter of a million people to attend over its 10 days.
“The City of Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is an icon of American Freedom and Independence,” said the City Council in a June press release that confirmed the rally would go ahead, despite daily increases in recorded cases of the COVID-19 virus.
American Free-dumb, more like. The Black Hills will be a petri dish of contagion, spreading back through the United States after the partying rally-goers return home in mid-August. Contact tracing will be near-impossible and pointless.
LIBERTARIANVILLE (August 6) —
I’d rather be on a slab in the morgue
than to cover my mouth with a mask. It
is my choice, I choose to live free.
Also, I got a great deal on a casket.
So I infect others? Boohoo! Too bad.
It's a free country. YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
If you choose to suck in my air,
and get stuck by the virus, I don’t really care
about you and your kind, you sissy sod.
Stay out of my way and hands off my Hog.
Dis TikTok ting, yez got goin’ here?
Be a shame if sumthin’ — well, you know . . . happened.
Maybe a fire? Sum broken wires?
Legs ’n thumbs started, I dunno, snappin’?
Wut I cn do is make shure your safe —
it’s kinda like bein’ insured —
jes’ gimme a bitta the cut — off th’ top —
’n all yer troubles are “cured”.
