№ 867.2: EXTRA! TOP SECRET COMM FROM RNC (destroy after reading)

SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY (May 30) —

“EMERGENCY” OVER!

We can relax.

Covid mostly kills

Democrat Blacks

and Hispanics.

No need to panic.

Continue as planned.

Long live The Klan!

№ 867.1: EXTRA! Donnie's Conventional Wisdom

THE WHITE HEARSE (May 29) —

I gotta tell ya

what never gets boring:

worshipping crowds

intent on adoring me.

People who see me

as their panacea.

Like his folks see Kim

in North Korea.

The smart folks who know

they’re much better off

with me tweeting crap

or cheating at golf

instead of having

clean air and water

or decent health care.

(DO NOT wanna go there!)

People who know 

that true contentment

is brought to them by

the Second Amendment.

Real patriots

whose default recourse is

to bow down to statues 

of dead traitors on horses.

If sissy Dem Gov

of North Carolina

won’t let us convene

for my coronation,

fearing too many

will drop down dead

we’ll take my parade

elsewhere instead,

to a reliable red state

where they forbid Covid

and government contracts

are strictly no-bid,

the exclusive preserve

of those who support 

the Republican party

which is, as am I, easily bought.

№ 867: Twitter Bitter And Kitty Litter

Methought I heard a voice cry, “Tweet no more!

MacTrump  does murder tweet” — the innocent tweet,

Tweet that knits up the raveled sleaze of can't care . . .

COGITO HAIR GROW EGO (May 28)

I could quit Twitter.

I am the “why”

Twitter usage

got terrifically high.

Before my thumbs upped it,

it didn’t amount

to a hill of beans.

Before my account,

Twitter was failing,

nobody used it.

Then I taught everyone

how to abuse it —

by lying blatantly 

all of the time,

and whenever challenged

proceeding to whine

about censorship

against those God chose 

to set the agenda,

who are among 

my strongest defenders,

who, God-like,

are free to smite

any and all who disagree

with how they proclaim God

wants things to be.

It will not be easy,

but we’re up for the fight.

And, oh, did I mention,

we’re mostly MEN and mostly WHITE?

№ 866: Corona Musings

DELUSIONAL STATE (May 27)  —

My virus response was perfect. Terrific.

How many actually died?

Other than old, sick, city Dems

who never were on my side?

Also a bunch of minorities

who all vote three or four times.

Even with photo id cards,

it's hard to tell them apart.

The critical thing’s the economy:

stock prices, corporate gains,

year-end bonuses,

second-home ownership

for me and my oligarch friends

who need places to flee to

whenever a crisis occurs

with freezers completely

filled with fresh meat

and lotsa small rooms

for maids and chauffeurs,

like I have at Mar a Lago,

my palatial estate by the sea,

which I forbid ever to rise

since climate change can't affect me,

but if it dares I'll wreak havoc,

in what ways I'm unwilling to say,

therefore the sea, like everyone else

should lie back, close its eyes. 

while I have my way.

№ 865.1: EXTRA! Scarborough Fare

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to English traditional melody and, I suppose, Simon and Garfunkel)

NARCISSISTIC PARANOIA (May 27) —

Is Donnie tweeting Joe Scarborough fair,

smearing him with outrageous lies,

after Joe found the guts to declare 

he is a liar and dumb and unwise?

If Twitter suspends Donnie’s account,

barring him from spreading more lies,

that would hardly be tantamount

to the First Amendment’s demise

Tweet Twitter’s Dorsey, saying, “Dear Jack,

I am sick of all Donnie’s lies.”

Tell poor Jack you’ve got his back

if Donnie threatens to end his franchise

You also might email your state GOP

telling them, though they’re Trump allies,

“Remember speech isn't just free

and that TRUTH eventu'lly trumps lies”

Is Donnie tweeting Joe Scarborough fair,

smearing him with outrageous lies

for having had the guts to declare 

he is a liar and dumb and unwise?

№ 865: Gratuitous In Glass Houses

In a first, Twitter adds fact-check warnings to Trump tweets

Trump has never previously faced Twitter sanctions on his account. The husband of a woman who died by accident two decades ago in an office of then-GOP Rep. Joe Scarborough recently demanded that Twitter remove the president’s baseless tweets suggesting that Scarborough, now a fierce Trump critic, killed her. Twitter issued a statement expressing its regret to the husband but so far has taken no action on those tweets.

COMING HOME TO ROOST (May 27) —

Sonia Moskowitz | Getty Images

Happy Daze

When Donnie and Roy were together,

one wonders who was on top?

With two such über alles personas

neither could have said, “STOP!”,

but would have continued their shoddy charades.

(Roy Cohn, they say, did die of AIDS.)

№ 864: An Imperial Intrigue

SLEEPLESS IN DC (May 25) —

It’s essential I find someone to blame

before this disease is attached to my name.

The “Spanish Flu” wasn't Spanish.

The Black Plague, not Black. (Rats and fleas!)

The current pandemic, Goddamnit,

though I say it is, it isn’t Chinese.

It would be a total pain in the rump

were Covid-19 deemed la maladie Trump.

(By Hydroxychloroquine, my elixir of Life!

La maladie Trump? Is that my wife?)

I need a crown. Perhaps a throne? OR

Imperial laurels. I do not want a corona!

№ 863: Donnie's ME-morial Day, 2020

On Sunday, the Times (to make me look bad)

listed names of the dead. (So they said.)

But how do I know they’re actually dead?

Where are their long-form certificates?

Did they ALL die of Covid-19?

Why must the Times (which I’ve never read)

always treat me so nasty and mean?

Couldn’t they once (or twice?) say something nice?

Who said I want (or need) their bad “advice”?

Instead of the “dead” on the front page

how about me on the driving range

drilling a perfect shot off the tee

to celebrate Memorial Day?

That’s the front page I want to see.

№ 862.1: EXTRA! Sunday Best

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Jerry Herman)

FALSE GODS BEFORE (May 23)

Church folk

They don’t think about pandemics

Got ‘em fooled on all my FAKE NEWS Trumpery

And my snake oil companies

Church folk

So I’ll let ‘em have their meetings

If they don’t die they’ll 

vote for me

Naturally

Dressed in their Sunday best

they will not have a care

about ever catching this disease

Their heads filled with incense, lost in prayer,

they’ll take delight in their candlelight

and I’ll beat Joe Biden with ease

Dressed in their Sunday best

if some perchance to die

they’ll be all set to be laid out

their funerals will add numerals

to my burgeoning body count

All I care is that I'm not thrown out

№ 862: Meditations (mark of a realist)

RECKONING (May 21) —

Marcus Aurelius

Jesus was a Socialist.

Giving out free bread and wine?

And his “business” (Jay's Loaves and Fishes?)

never collecting a nickel or dime?

Had Jesus been an entrepreneur,

charging full freight for his services,

then, perhaps, the Sanhedrin and Romans

would not have gotten nearly as nervous.

Had Jesus been a go-along guy,

rendered Cæsar — completely! — his due,

then, perhaps, Pilate would have ignored

the unfortunate fact of his being . . . a Jew.

His coreligionists could have found common ground,

had he, instead of clearing the temple,

spread a peck of shekels around.

(And been a little less temperamental.)

Had Jesus struck a truce with Zeus — 

that guy the Romans called Jupiter — 

would history have taken a different course,

maybe have been a little less stupider?

Nah. Who am I kidding? What are the odds

that there could ever be peaceable gods?

Gods we created in our own image, 

who therefore exculpate our violentest scrimmages

with winners and losers, with vics and perps.

Exacerbate everything. Give 'em the works!

Slings! Arrows! Outrageous fortune!

Ain't no such a thing as out-of-proportion.

We are who we are. We get what we get.

I find it astounding we ain't over. (Yet.)

№ 861: Why Not Neanderthals?

CONSIDER IT (May 20) —

Neanderthal Museum, Krapina, Croatia  
Photo by Nikola Solic/Reuters

Neanderthals. Were they so super stupid

that they were extincted by us
H. Saps. whose brains, a priori,
were better than theirs? End of the story.

Or were H. Neas. simply less vicious,

more peaceful, more gentle and thus

a breeze to dispatch for superior Saps.?

We do see ourselves as spectacular chaps

in that we can be totally brutal,

a species that deems fair play unfruitful,

whose unstated motto is something akin to:

Do what you have to in order to win.

This attitude, while crude, has its perks.

The first and foremost being it works.