Friday, December 29, 2017

No. 237: Future Perfect — New Year's 2028, a verse for our President's term #3

Back in the old days
(remember them?),
when we were governed by laws
not by men.
Before nationwide systemic legal pollution
there was this thing. . .the Constitution?
You can still see it in its glass case.
(Don't get too close, it sprays Mace in your face.)

The old Constitution had a few failings
guns were not mentioned until an amendment
and it didn't say nearly enough about God.
Which was odd.
Everyone knows we're a Christian nation.
Always have been. 
Since the Creation.

A renewed Constitution was our solution
with businesses enshrined as divinely inspired
the idea of unions completely retired
and, as in our Bible, slavery required
to prevent lower orders attempting to cheat,
they have to work if they want to eat.
If shelter and food are what you crave,
if you don't have a job, we make you a slave
or provide you with an early grave.

And keeping with founding fathers' intent,
voting's only for owners, not those who rent.
Owners, what's more, of considerable wealth
who of the population make up (maybe) a twelfth.
Keeping it real with the founders again
these voters are, naturally, only white Christian men.
And since we can predict how good people vote,
we don't need elections and what those promote:
rule by the ignorant, the unemployed,
unhappy minorities, the neurotic annoyed,
who, sad to say, still find a way
despite voting restrictions to ruin our day.
Elections are bound to cause nothing but strife
therefore we declared Mike Pence Leader for Life.

The Atlantic: God’s Plan for Mike Pence
Will the vice president—and the religious right—be rewarded for their embrace of Donald Trump?

Thursday, December 28, 2017

No. 236.1: EXTRA! Congress Taxes Belief

It was supposed to be a tax cut for manufacturers. Then it got out of control.

The wildly popular manufacturing break, passed in 2004, is a case study in the unforeseen consequences of changing the tax code — how companies take advantage of gaping holes and force the government to play catch-up.

As members of Congress
we have to confess
when dealing with taxes
we make a mess.
This, sadly, applies
across the aisle,
for both parties fall
for lobbyists' guile
and at their urging
write into law
clauses we have no idea
what they're for
only to find
sooner, not later,
we've created another 
revenue crater,
leaving the government
so short of cash
that it invites
all things to crash.
Bridges and highways
crumble while
we go on TV
pretending to smile,
saying with US
all will be well
while with THEM
it'll be hell.
No wonder voters
get disaffected.
Not that it matters
if we're reelected.
The country's secure,
safe from defeat,
only while each of us
keeps his or her seat.

No. 236: The Universal Political Credo

The idea of win-win
is a ruse.
The truth is
when you win, 
I lose.
I choose 
winning — by any means!
Given my superior genes,
even with “fair play”,
I would win anyway,
but cheating enhances,
my chances.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

No. 235: A Tale Of Two Dons Flowing Home To The Sea

It ain't nuthin' yez wanna dwell on. . .
sumthin' yez (maybe) gotta consider. . .
dis prezidint ax lika Mafia Don
wudda done if he tweeted on Twidder.

Imagine dear depotted John Gotti,
dhumbs blazin', takin' all enemies on.
Talkin' all potty, actin' all snotty,
tweetin' @TheRealTeflonDon.

Bot' o' dese guys cum frum Queens. . .
doan take no genius t' know wud dat means.
Yez do whachez do to fulfil dere wishes
if yez doan neva wanna sleep wid no fishes.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

No. 234: Satanists' Plan For America

Our tip-top secret plan for times to come:
first confiscate everyone's Bibles and guns.
Then after some time, when we hold sway,
everyone has to get married gay.
If criminals pursue hetero sex. . .
you don't want to see what we'll do next!

We, as you know, worship Satan
whose relation to Yahweh remains uncertain.
Skipping details, they are both alpha-males
each longing to read the other's emails.
(Or should we say entrails?)
For thousands of years Satan's been on the hook
because Yahweh's followers wrote some silly book
purporting to show that those in the know
decided that his way was the way to go.
Well pardon us but. . .that “ain't necessarily so".

Monday, December 25, 2017

Saturday, December 23, 2017

No. 232.2: EXTRA! Bit By Bitcoin?

Cryptocurrency values plunged Friday in a market-wide selloff that reversed highs the volatile sector had reached just days earlier.
-- USA TodayCryptocurrency values plunge amid market-wide selloff

[with apologies to Roger Christian and Gary L Usher and, I guess since it is Christmas, Tiny Tim]

Tiptoe through the window
with your worthless
cryptocurrency.
Shout out,
“Watch out below!”,
fall free.

In vain to yer,
we explained to yer
tulip mania's
insanity.
So tiptoe through the window,
fall free.

You prob'ly thought
Bitcoins you bought
were a grand
Ayn Rand idee.
So tiptoe through the window,
fall free.

I dunno,
could be so,
it’s a Lib-er-al
conspiracy.
So tiptoe through the window,
fall free.

It's not absurd
that “crypt”' the word
has a bit of
grav-ity.
So tiptoe through the window,
fall free.

Friday, December 22, 2017

No. 232.1 EXTRA! A Tax In Time (TCCDD News Analysis)

What's on the table?
Legislators of all party labels 
never see a distinction betwixt
putting on paper what they want to be
versus nasty reality.
They think, "We voted. Everything's fixed!"

Democrats blew Obamacare rollout.
They passed it and thought they were ready to go.
Though, without West Coast supertech bailout, 
it would have been instantly end of the show,
with no Justice John Roberts faking Chiefly
a reason to keep it alive. (However briefly.)

Is massive GOP tax overhaul  
speeding toward that same exact wall? 
DC, we may have a bit of a flaw.
Words hastily scribbled into the law
do not design tax filing forms,
1040 instructions or policy norms.
Who can possibly be in compliance
absent any IRS guidance?
Do not forget it will take time to be seen
if courts can tell what these words even mean.
And try to imagine the mother lode,
writing and testing all that computer code.

There is no time.
No, we don't have 'til mid-April deadline.
The hour is now. So, wow, we're in a jam.
Do Koch Brothers and others know how to program?

No. 232: Jews' And Christians' Season's Traditions

Christians and Jews
have different views,
differing ways
of marking their holidays.

Jews light a Menorah,
Christians set up creche.
Both give pleasure to God.
(I guess!?)

Each says of the other:
THEY make a fuss.
We are religious.
They're just ridiculous.

No. 232: Christians' And Jews' Holiday Views

Jews and Christians
on differing missions
mark holidays
in their different traditions.

Christians set up creche,
Jews light a Menorah.
Both give God pleasure.
(If not euphoria.)

Each says of the other:
THEY make a fuss.
We are religious.
They're just ridiculous.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

No. 231.2: EXTRA! Hail To The Chief (an update)


Here's the dumbass chosen by Electoral College.
Here's the ignoramus Russia gave us in the fall.
Absolute proof that power is not knowledge.
And you will note, he has still not built his wall. 

How to make sure Vlad P's collaborator's
time overruling us will be blissfully brief?
This clown who rode down his gold plated escalator,
this bozo is our President? Everybody say Good Grief!

No. 231.1: EXTRA! Trumpery AND Victory?

The extensive rewrite of the U.S. tax code leaves little time for government agencies, businesses and individuals to adjust to its wide-ranging changes, many of which take effect in a matter of days.
Major pieces of legislation, such as the Affordable Care Act and the Dodd-Frank financial overhaul, often weren’t effective immediately, giving rule-writers and outside experts time to interpret the laws and offer guidance.
--WSJ
Tax Overhaul Leaves Little Time for Adapting to the Changes (Paywall)
GO! Get set. Ready,
as GOP-P unstead
-ily steers for fake goals
and crashes on shoals
economic (and missiles atomic?)
if it weren't so frightening
it would be comic,
this alt-right Christian "re-whitening"

No. 231: Please Send To The White House* (I don't have a stamp)

Winter Solstice, Thursday, December 21, 2017, 11:28 am EST

Dear President Trump,

Let me say (this may not be totally true —
which, as we know, to you is no issue),
speaking for every Christian and Jew,
Muslim, Sikh, animist too,
Rastafarian, atheist, Shinto, Hindu,
Marxist, Mormon, the Scientology crew,
Adventists, Witnesses, pagans old, Wiccans new,
we join in bestowing “SEASONS' GREETINGS” on you.

(Well. . .that's what our moms and pops taught us, anyways. 
Always say something nice for the holidays.
If you were here, we'd say to you face
please disappear leaving no trace.)

We remain,
Yours Sincerely,
The Better Part of the Human Race



A brief shout-out
to beliefs I left out.
There are so many,
I haven't the time.
And furthermore, 
not all of them rhyme.
————————————————————
*president@whitehouse.gov

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

No. 230.1: EXTRA! Get Yer Tax Cuts! Bleed All About It!

On Tuesday, December 19, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) boasted in a WSJ op-ed (see below) of the wonders GOP tax bill will bring. (What is the Hogwarts spell for something out of less than nothing, I wonder?)

As Dorothy Parker put it:
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
a medley of extemporanea,
And love is a thing that can never go wrong,
and I am Marie of Romania
.

We at TCCDD plan to grade the Speaker on the accuracy of his predictions. But that is for the future. (If there is a future.) Meanwhile, for we know the world can surprise even a House Speaker, our coda:

[once again, with apologies to Messrs. Rodgers and Hammerstein.]

Rainbows on kittens, a roomful of unicorns,
Protestant virgins in Catholic school uniforms,
to live in a land where Ayn Rand still survives
and I alone rule how you live your lives

I'll lower forever corporate taxes,
I'll call a halt to disapproved sexes
and put an end to any debate
when I declare us a one party state

Girls in white dresses — no wait that's covered.
Voter ID laws assure Dems get smothered
in future elections where voters are few,
very rich Christians and maybe a Jew

If the real world
disappoints me
if it makes me sad
I'll simply have a quick heart attack
and I'll die young
like my dad

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.

Tax Reform Means Your Paycheck Will Grow

So will the economy, as the bill brings U.S. corporate taxes in line with the developed-world norm.
By Paul Ryan
Dec. 19, 2017 7:02 p.m. ET

Paul Ryan (R-WI)
The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, which the House passed Tuesday, represents the biggest advancement for growth and opportunity in recent memory. It provides real relief to middle-income families and realizes policy goals conservatives have sought for decades.

The centerpiece of the bill is the most sweeping pro-growth reform of our tax code since the Reagan era—perhaps ever. Once President Trump signs it into law it will deliver more jobs, fairer taxes and bigger paychecks for Americans from all walks of life.

This is about helping a middle class that has been squeezed by a tax code that is expensive, complicated and skewed toward special interests. Nearly 8 in 10 Americans live paycheck-to-paycheck; nearly half say a $500 surprise bill or emergency would put them in debt.

Taxpayers will get significant relief soon. A family of four earning the median income of $73,000 can expect a $2,059 tax cut. The Internal Revenue Service has announced that it will adjust its withholding tables as soon as February. With less money withheld, paychecks will be bigger in a matter of weeks.

The bill significantly increases the standard deduction, nearly doubling the amount you can earn completely tax-free. It also makes taxes simpler, so that nearly 9 in 10 Americans will be able to file their taxes on a form the size of a postcard.

Middle-income families will benefit from the doubling of the child tax credit to $2,000 a child. The expansion of 529 college-savings plans to elementary and secondary education means more Americans will be able to invest in their children’s futures.

This bill will also create jobs and drive up wages. It cuts the highest corporate tax rate in the industrialized world from 35% down to 21%, below the developed-nation average. This will make American companies more competitive. By driving economic competitiveness, lowering the cost of capital, and moving to a territorial system like most other countries, America will once again become the best place in the world to invest and build a business. Jobs and capital will return from overseas, leading to more demand for labor, higher wages and bigger paychecks.

Relief is also coming for the small businesses that are at the heart of the economy. A new provision will enable job creators on Main Street to deduct 20% of their income. Small businesses will also be able to write off immediately the full cost of new equipment, giving them an incentive to expand and hire more workers.

The bottom line is that this bill will help you earn more and keep more of what you earn. But that is not all. The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act achieves a historic trifecta of conservative policy goals. In addition to tax reform, the bill eliminates the ObamaCare individual mandate penalty, the linchpin of the health-care law, which forces people either to buy insurance or pay a tax. And for the first time, we will open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for energy exploration and development, so we can harness these natural resources.

After years of stagnation and division, we are firmly and finally choosing the path of growth. These ideas will pave the way for an economic renaissance, as Americans once again feel confident in their future, and the country’s too. Economic growth will not solve all our problems, but it will make our problems much easier to solve.

Moments like this come along once in a generation. This is conservative reform at its best: applying our founding principles of liberty, limited government and free markets to the most pressing challenge of the day. We are delivering relief to those who have struggled for too long under an antiquated system. And we are keeping our promise to the American people by giving them the tax cut—and tax code—they need and deserve.

Mr. Ryan is speaker of the House.

Appeared in the December 20, 2017, print edition.


[reprinted entirely without permission]

[updated: 12/20/2017, 7:17 pm]

No. 230: Perpetual Demotion (re: Marx)

The effete elite
manipulate mobs,
the hoi polloi
everyday slobs,
in whom they inspire
anguish and ire.

These mobs so exhorted
fear jobs exported
and long to see
neighbors deported.

They are moved to support
leaders renowned
for keeping inferiors 
(like themselves) down.

Down where,
working for hire,
the lower classes 
tend to perspire.

Down, down, down
their whole life long
where they belong,
amidst the throng.

Down, furthermore
where workers and peasants
dare not aspire
to be in the presence of,
nor seek to compete with, 
the effete elite.

[corrected: 12/20/2017, 12:12 pm]

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

No. 229.1: EXTRA! Prejeudice

WASHINGTON — A federal court nominee who could not answer basic legal questions at a Senate hearing last week has withdrawn from consideration, the third such casualty for President Trump in the past week.

Deer Preciden Trumf,

I wanna be gudge.
Cuz I lack esperience
shudn't begrudg
my chanzes o'
gettin' a seed onna cort
sumbwears wherz
u getz lotsa support.

Lawz, like newz,
iz mostly fake.
All lives about
'swhud u can take.
Anythin elze'z
a big miss take.

Like u sed:
u see it,
u grab it.
'N if ure famous
they doan say nothin'
coz whud ure name iz.

Gol durn,
dag nab it.
Gimme position.
Aftrall I am a Christian.
I'll use the Bible
fer resolution
who the hell needs
some durn “Constitution”?
(Ain't nuno my biz,
whudever id iz?)

I am recommend bye Kluless Klan
pleez get back t'm az quik az u can.

(signed by)
ceveral dozins of double fust cuzins

[updated 12/19/2017, 10:58 am]

No. 229: That's Life (an examination)

Do not shout Hallelujah!
Don't sing a Gloria!
Look at the world.
There's no call for euphoria.
Nor has there been
since Queen Victoria
slept in the Royal Suite
at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Life is just nasty
life is just cruel
life is just like
junior high school:
Ă  la carte,
less sweet, more tart.

The afterlife is also unfair.
When you get to “heaven”
you'll find no bodies there.
You (maybe) expected eternal bliss?
Sorry, that heaven does not exist.
In myriad ways that is just as well.
If there is no heaven, there may be no hell.


[updated 12/19/2017, 2:22 am]

Monday, December 18, 2017

No. 228: The War On Nonsense (Happy Holidaze)

The original day to “celebrate”
the coming of darkness and cold
was not Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas,
but something other I'm told.

Preparing for winter
ancient ancestor pagans
refurbished and brushed off
their warm furry leggings.
Thinking of scarcities,
meals to be missed,
they sat by their fire
and cussed Winter Solstice.

Today some insist
THEIR holiday's dissed.
Pass the brandy I say
let's get properly pissed.
You hanker for anger
but you must resist.
For the good of the neighborhood, 
cease and desist.
Take a deep breath, count to ten,
wish a stranger “Happy Whatever”. Amen.

[updated 12/18/2017, 8:30 am]

Sunday, December 17, 2017

No. 227.3: EXTRA! I Beg Your Pardon Is This The White House Rose Garden?

WASHINGTON — The House Intelligence Committee is racing to complete its investigation of Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election. . . .

“I feel no need to apologize for concluding an investigation,” said Representative Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, one of the Republicans leading the investigation.

The evidence (so far) shows everything's swell,
so we're invoking don't-ask-don't tell
and ending our inquiry quick
before we're forced to deploy Jedi mind trick
of screaming “Benghazi!” and “What about Hillary!?
Have you all forgotten her culpability?
Remember when we spent many a penny
looking for proof and there wasn't any?”

On second thought. . .
If Flynn and the rest act all penitential,
they can receive pardons presidential.
Our President will excuse his own and their blame.
He does so love signing his name.

[12/17/2017, 10:12 am: number connected]
[12/18/2017, 11:02 am: title corrected]
[12/19/2017, 4:23 pm: title corredted]

Saturday, December 16, 2017

No. 227.2: EXTRA! Munich To Our Ears

With his insisting Vlad's such a jolly good fella
one almost expects Trump to tote an umbrella
and wave empty pledges like Chamberlain did
while Vlad “destroys” kompromat in this sad quid pro quid.

As to his umbrella, come shine or come rain,
Don'll duck under it as Vlad seizes Ukraine.
This fraught buddyship may turn a bit rockier
like Adolf's and Neville's after Czechoslovakia.

Friday, December 15, 2017

No. 227.1: EXTRA! What's That I Spy With My Little Eye? Problems At (With?) The FBI?

A review of the texts between senior FBI agent Peter Strzok and senior FBI lawyer Lisa Page were sent to lawmakers Tuesday night...and they show the senior officials repeatedly offering harsh opinions about political figures. Among many other comments, the two called Trump “an idiot.”

During the Clinton [email server] investigation, Strzok was involved in a romantic relationship with Page...

Now this is REAL news!
Ho-ly Cow! Go friggin' figure!
The FBI's a hot bed (literally)
of left-wing intrigue.

Who wudda thunk,
who cudda foresaw,
this one-time paragon
of order and law
would come to harbor
Liberal jackdaws,
poking beaks
into Donald's affairs.
(If they ain't careful,
they're gonna get theirs!)

Putin's refutin' FBI lies
that his FSB comprised 
presidential election.
Now there's a surprise!
A guy like Vlad
would surely own up
if Donald asked,
“Yo, bro, 'sup?”

Mueller and cronies,
are like kids lookin'
for Xmas ponies.
(That's an old joke.
Google it, homies!)

Keeping up with this
is gettin' fatiguin'.
Still ya want 'em t'
go on lookin', keep diggin',
even if as a consequence
we end up with President Pence with
whom we'll also hafta dispense with.

[12/15/2017, 12:40 pm EST: WaPo link corrected]

No. 227: Crystal Balls

When “EXPERTS” insist they know where they're going. . .
RELAX! That's just their hubris showing.
On future events it is pointless to dwell.
With present and past it's too early to tell.
Wherever we are, wherever we've been,
whatever the who, what, where, why and when,
we, even now, never know how
to ever know anything, anywhere, anyhow!

Thursday, December 14, 2017

No.226.2: EXTRA! Putin Speaking Power To Truth

Russia's president has accused opponents of his US counterpart Donald Trump of harming the US by "inventing stories" about contacts with Russia.

I was young spy in KGB,
running agents my specialty.
I am smart man, I am not schlump.
If I elect president I do not elect Trump.
Trump is tough, crafty and sly.
Why would I choose that kind of guy?
I prefer patsy, narcissist fool,
somebody I could easily school.

Here's the thing is, why would I lie?
You believe me or FBI?
Reports are fake, news they are not.
If reporters were Russian, they would be shot.

No. 226.1: EXTRA! The Gift Of The #MAGAs

Make America Go Again?
(Put on a Broadway show again.)

Make America Gape Again?
(Entertain to escape again.)

Make America Grasp Again?
(Let businessmen cut union tasks again.)

Make America Gaze Again?
(At waves of amber grain again.)

Make America Glory Again?
(Change the American story again.)

Make America Glisten Again?
(Too gay? Maybe listen again?)

Make Alaska Russian Again?
(That's an R, not a G, but do it for me.
I owe it to Vlad, my best ever friend.)

Make America Grope Again?
(Undo Obama's “hope” regimen.)

Make America Giggle Again?
(Be fodder for late night TV. AGAIN!)

Make America Gloat Again?
(We never stop. We're always on top!)

Make America Glow Again?
(In the dark. Nukes! What a lark.)

Make America Govern Again?
(NO! That's Dem!
Not us! That's THEM!)

Make America Groan Again?
(Deregulate savings and loan again.)

Make America Grumble Again?
(A question, always, of not if, but when.)

Make American Gamble Again?
(Easy-peasy, they elected* me.)

Make America Gallop Again?
(But to be sure
not with Judge Moore.
That was Steve Bannon
who missed all the clues.
Inside my head, 
I said he'd lose.)

Make America Gag Again?
(By my never knowing when to say when.)

Make Afghanistan Go Away.
—————————
*Well, really, not actually.