№ 759: Year-end Review (as always)

HIGH HORSE (December 30)

In the two to three thousand centuries

since we H. Saps. evolved,

we have achieved enormous advances,
contriving problems that we cannot solve.

Creative ideas? We've had a few.

Fewer than we like to think.

Human beings, although sometimes clever,

are not original. (Also, we drink.)

Yes, we tamed fire. Invented the wheel.

And we learned to bake bread.

(However, many rather than make it,

demand it daily — for free! — instead*.)

We conjured gods and theories and systems,

which explain nary a thing,

sorting ourselves into victors and victims

while ignoring the planet's well-being.

All agree: in progress we trust.

THAT is the problem. (Well, that and us.)

————————

*Matthew 6:11 (very tall for his ERA, though that is a different sport)

№ 758: Unhitched, Macabre And Gold-gilded

MARRED IN LARDO (December 29)


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(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart)

I'm a tool and my fans love it

At my rallies they take heart

when I tell all others, “Shove it”

And they think I'm smart

I am not a new sensation

Others may have got here first

But with suf-ficient appli-cation

I may be the worst

I'm wild again,

hair styled again

My both parents' most reviled child again

Unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded am I

Couldn't sleep

Why should I sleep

I tweet when lesser folk count their sheep

Unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded am I

Lost my mind but what of it?

Runs in my fam-ily

GOP voters love it

it's on them, not me

A pill I am

A shill I am

But GOP's happy and thrilled I am

unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded 

like me

They know I'm rot

Don’t care a jot

And they ac-knowledge I'm all they've got

Unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded am I

I lie to crowds

my words becloud

I say things others are not allowed

Unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded am I

When I talk I am thinking

how to make myself first 

Moralistically speaking

I am the very worst

Unchecked again,

non-Mexican

By God I will tweet sexist text again

Unhitched, macabre and gold-gilded am I

№ 757: A Liberal Lament (plus a hope)

TOMORROW AND TOMORROW AND TOMORROW (December 26)

Now we know how the Romans felt
when their gods got thrown out of town
by that foreign (Mideastern) pretender 
wearing thorns for a crown.

What divine-right kingly sorts thought
when peasants shouted, «Aux armes!»
(Or its equivalent in whichever languages 
were spoken in workshops and down on the farms.)

Our Republican “friends” claim this is progress. 
To us it is not. It's regression.
We view their extremist obsessions 
as closely akin to demonic possession.

We foresee depression. Severe. Economic.
But if Donnie's wars aren't atomic,
we just have to wait until that day when
it is our turn to screw up again.

№ 756: Nancy And Donnie (a love duet) + 1 more

COMING DETRACTIONS (December 25)


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(with apologies to Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt)

NANCY: Well. . .
DONNIE: Well. . .
NANCY: Impeach.
DONNIE: Impeach?
NANCY: You're not beyond my reach.
DONNIE: You know what Mitch'll do.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: I say, “Screw you.”

NANCY Donnie?
DONNIE: Yes, “dear”?
NANCY: I have never seen a man. . .
DONNIE: A man?
NANCY: . . .so low.
DONNIE: That so?
NANCY: It's true. You're as low any man can go.
I have never seen a single man, I mean,
with zero moral sense.
DONNIE: If you want morals, you'll get Mike Pence.

NANCY: Impeach.
DONNIE: You screech.
NANCY: Chuck will put up a fight.
DONNIE: I've got my own Jews, too.
NANCY: Rot in hell.
DONNIE: The same to you.

NANCY: Donnie?
DONNIE: Yes, “dear”?
NANCY: Have you ever had a thought. . .
DONNIE: A thought?
NANCY: . . .that's pure?
DONNIE: I'm not sure.
NANCY: What a boor. Are you really rotten to the core?
Have you ever done a single thing, I mean,
not totally uncouth?
DONNIE: Well. . .I may have done so once. In my youth.

NANCY: Convict.
DONNIE: You're licked.
NANCY: Convict.
DONNIE: You're licked.
NANCY: The Senate will evict.
DONNIE: With Mitch there's not a chance.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: There's not a chance.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: Four more years.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: Go wet your pants. . .


           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

TRUMPING AT WINDMILLS

THE SKY IS FALLING (December 25)

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(with apologies to Burton Lane and E. Y. Harburg)

I look into a perfect sky
and guess what catch-es my eye
it's enough to make me cry
a Goddamned wind turbine
that darkens my skies
those Goddamned wind turbines hurt my eyes

Germans and Chinks 
want you to think
they got a “handle”
“Clean energy”!
but believe me. . .
can't hold a candle
to good old clean coal

It's just a Chink conspiracy
aimed at killing birds you see,
but Xi, he can't fool a guy like me
You may think that I whine
that my mind's in decline
but Goddamned wind turbines hurt my eyes

Let me just say 
I'm not Xi's sap
“Green energy”!
Take it from me. . .
a load of crap

№ 755: Christmas

NORTH POLE (December 24)

When they graduated from law school eight close friends,

Aram G. Bemerian
William A. Bright
Frederick Douglas Days
Hussein En-Mayal
Angela Mayor
Roger W. M. Mussersbee III
Tinisha X. White
and Iris C. Yorkris,

despite their varying backgrounds, interests and political leanings, vowed to one day form their own firm. 

Twenty-four years flew by.

Though they had kept "in touch" through the alumni bulletin and annual December holiday letters, dispersed as they were to major firms (law and otherwise), private practice, politics, elected and appointed office, they had forgotten their plan until last December when each, completely unbeknownst to all others, mentioned it in the annual letter.

Recognizing that this had to be more than a remarkable coincidence, they decided to talk it over at their twenty-fifth reunion. 

Last June they met and discussed the idea and decided that they were ready to take the plunge. 

Accordingly, each wrapped up his or her practice, job, elected or appointed office and on December 20, they announced the formation of their new firm:

Mayor Days Bemerian Bright En-Mayal Yorkris Mussersbee White.

№ 754.1: EXTRA! From Rudy's Greatest “Hits”

Rudy Giuliani, a Catholic, says he is ‘more of a Jew’ than George Soros, who survived the Holocaust (Paywall)

Rudolph W. Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, claimed in an interview that he is “more of a Jew” than Hungarian-born philanthropist George Soros, who survived the Holocaust.

The comment came amid a larger, seemingly boundless interview with New York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi, in which Giuliani reportedly claimed, without evidence, that former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch was “controlled” by Soros. He went on to call Soros, a Jewish billionaire and influential Democratic donor, an “enemy of Israel.”

“He put all four ambassadors there. And he’s employing the FBI agents,” Giuliani said, before continuing the conspiracy-theory-laden diatribe.

“Don’t tell me I’m anti-Semitic if I oppose him. Soros is hardly a Jew. I’m more of a Jew than Soros is,” said Giuliani, who is Roman Catholic. “I probably know more about — he doesn’t go to church, he doesn’t go to religion — synagogue. He doesn’t belong to a synagogue, he doesn’t support Israel, he’s an enemy of Israel. He’s elected eight anarchist DA’s in the United States.”

GONE SOUTH, SPECIFICALLY (December 24)

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(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

I expect everyone of the Dems to make fun
of my loud protestations of fake ev-i-dance
And they'll say I'm naïve as a babe to believe
any fable I hear from some Russian transplants

FOX-ily I'll face them and shout all their doubts away
Boldly I'll sing about Bidens in Kyiv
Endlessly I'll open my fat lying mouth and say
conspiracy is really a Democrat sort of a thing

I'm not ashamed to reveal
the unusually delusional illogical feelings I feel

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
a prime example of pure Jewish joy
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not really a goy
Nor can they say I'm Mafiosi
unlike — excuse me! — Nan-cy Pel-osi
Though I don't speak Yiddish
I am not at all skittish
which proves I'm not a goy
I am vain and insane and I go to Ukraine
to ferret out “facts”
what kind of critic says antisemitic
that is how I relax
I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not really a goy

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not really THAT goy

№ 754: High Crimes And Misdemeanors + 1 more

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THE SWAMP (December 23)

(with apologies to Bob Hilliard and Sammy Fain)

It's time for high crimes and misdemeanors
to bring Bad Donnie down
Because his high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

Just take a good look
at Constitution
You know the Senate knows
Don't need no law books,
Trump's pure pollution
while GOPers hold their nose

And McConnell, why so quick to acquit
this third-rate, strictly low-rent clown
whose high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

THE GHOST OF IMPEACHMENT PAST

WHERE WE ARE NOW (December 23)

President Nixon* was not a crook.
(Though he did do a few crooked things.)
That said, Donnie, despite Evangelicals**, 
ain't gonna “don” angel's wings.

Born corrupt, Donnie became corrupter
as he was taught to and as he sought to.
He found breaking laws a path to abrupt
stashes of cash. That laws can be laughed at
and people be bought off or silenced with NDAs.
If that didn't work, well. . .there were other ways
gleaned from his mentor, Roy Cohn 
(gangster lawyer, mouthpiece and queer***),
to cause a problem to. . .“disappear”.

Roy, like Trump's pal, Rudolph Giuliani,
would do anything for money and Donnie.
———————————
*not a “bad” person
**mostly “bad” people
***did not make him a “bad” person

№ 753: Presently (a recycling problem)

HERE AND NOW AND THEN AND ALWAYS (December 22)

When there are not enough wars

too many “patriots” live,

ready to credit conspiracy theories

and. . .well, what you'd call, fibs

told by “leaders” like Trump, Xi or Putin

and imagine allergies to things such as gluten.

However, whenever whole nations mobilize

and their crazies march off to fight,

ready — nay, eager! — to kill and to die

for what they, today, think is right,

many, bravely, succeed. AND surcease.

The result of which is what we call peace.

Haply, these interludes don't ever last
and we swiftly revert to our murderous past.

№ 752.2: EXTRA! Keep The Soul In Solstice 2019

WINTER (December 21)

Winter begins 'round midnight. Solstice*.

Though it be cold, it isn't coldest.

Take a hot toddy. (Or a warm poultice.)

Counteract lack of SOL in Solstice.

————————

*December 21, 2019 at 11:19 pm EST

№ 752.1: EXTRA! GOTT MIT UNS (and Donnie and guns)

Franklin Graham slams Christianity Today for invoking father's name in call for Trump's removal

“My father knew Donald Trump, believed in Donald Trump, and in this last election, he voted for Donald Trump,” the president of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Samaritan's Purse added. “And if he were here today, I'm sure he would tell you that himself.”

President Trump responded to the editorial Friday morning, tweeting the “far left magazine ... knows nothing about reading a perfect transcript of a routine phone call and would rather have a Radical Left nonbeliever, who wants to take your religion and your guns, than Donald Trump as your President.”

GILEAD (December 20)

Every TRUE Christian takes the position

that to have it our way is no imposition

on non-believers, deceived by the devil,

who cannot conceive that we're on the level

and are not out of hand when we demand

that they obey every command

we are convinced comes from God's lips

until we achieve apocalypse.

God gave us this mission to bring on perdition.

And, yes, DO expect a New Inquisition.

— Franklin Graham

[updated 12/20/2019 4:19 pm]

№ 752: Bio Massacre (a germ of an idea)

INEVITABLE CITY (December 19)

Creation requires that everything kill.
Killing's fulfilling everything's willing.
All creatures follow the law to the letter.
We, the chosen, of course, do it better.

We were chosen because we excel in disposing
with any and all living things:
flyers, crawlers, swimmers, walkers,
with and without fins, limbs and wings.
Foolish or wise, regardless of size,
all we encounter we cause to expire
which we're assured is perfectly swell
with our God who, like us, is a single cell.

№ 751.1: EXTRA! Informed Sauces

Former White House officials say they feared Putin influenced the president’s views on Ukraine and 2016 campaign (Paywall)

Almost from the moment he took office, President Trump seized on a theory that troubled his senior aides: Ukraine, he told them on many occasions, had tried to stop him from winning the White House.

After meeting privately in July 2017 with Russian President Vladi­mir Putin at the Group of 20 summit in Hamburg, Trump grew more insistent that Ukraine worked to defeat him, according to multiple former officials familiar with his assertions.

The president’s intense resistance to the assessment of U.S. intelligence agencies that Russia systematically interfered in the 2016 campaign — and the blame he cast instead on a rival country — led many of his advisers to think that Putin himself helped spur the idea of Ukraine’s culpability, said the officials, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe internal discussions.

One former senior White House official said Trump even stated so explicitly at one point, saying he knew Ukraine was the real culprit because “Putin told me.”

Two other former officials said the senior White House official described Trump’s comment to them.


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THE HOLE TRUTH (December 19)

(with apologies to Dale Evans)

How do I know? Vlad'mir tells me so.

Ukraine worked a-ga-in-st me
to prevent my pres'den-cy
How do I know? Vlad'mir tells me so.

Me and him have oft discussed 
how he's a pal that I can trust
How do I know? Vlad'mir tells me so.

“Don't worry 'bout your FBI
ignore what they say,
you can always count on me
to guide you all the way.”

Ukraine worked a-gain-st me
to prevent my pres'den-cy
How do I know? Vlad'mir tells me so.

№ 751: Nancy And Donald, Part I (shake fears and fruit may fall)

NO SPINACH IN POSITION (December 18)

NANCY
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

DONALD
'Sblood, m'lady, they are false: nay, I'll tickle
ye for a kitten, i' faith.

NANCY
Swearest thou, ungracious lump? henceforth ne'er look
on US. Thou art lyingly carried away from true:
there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
old fat man; a tun of man is thy “companion”. Why
dost thou comport with that tweet of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of Coke®, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted McDonald's Big Mac® with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity i
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste Coke® and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to mouth a
Big Mac® and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

DONALD
I would NANCY you would take me with you: whom
means you NANCY?

NANCY
That villanous abominable cheater at golf,
DONALD, that old white-bearded Satan. Thy self.

DONALD
M'lady, the man I know.

NANCY
I know thou dost.

DONALD
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
more the pity, his scarce hairs do witness it; but
that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster,
that I utterly deny. If Coke® and Big Macs® be a fault,
God help the wicked! if to be old and horny be a
sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if
to be fat be to be hated, then thin Bidens
are to be loved. No, my good lady; banish Mike Pence,
banish Mulvaney, banish Barr: but for sweet Trump
Donald, kind Trump Donald, true Trump Donald,
valiant Trump Donald, and therefore more valiant,
being, as he is, old Trump Donald, banish not him
thy nation's company, banish not him thy nation's
company: banish plump Donald, and banish all the world.

NANCY
I do, I will.

№ 750: Blow, Gabriel, Blow (a fanfare for Trumpettes)

THE HOLE TRUTH (December 17)

Trump, himself, isn't the problem
for, if he were, we would likely solve him.
The problem is churches and schools,
turning out masses of ignorant fools,
believing depictions of unadorned fictions,
seeing themselves as history's victims.
Matter of fact that is — none of it! — true
They are not victims, but those who screw
everyone, everywhere. Mean and corrupt,
they are the reason things are eff'd up.

№ 749: Ah, Sweet Misery Of Life

WAY IT IS (December 16)

Feudal! That's how it is.
FINIS! End of debate!
Forgo sub-totals,
forget bottom lines.
Feudalism is fate.

Tho' might might make right,
after a bit
might's mighty likely to wane.
Might might be fittest
but as with the British Empire, 
might might go down the drain.

As a matter of fact,
life is like baseball:
in essence a simple game.
Sometimes you win, 
sometimes you lose 
and, sometimes, it rains.

Whatever! It's feudal.
Resistance is futile.

№ 748: Against Monotheism (an atheist screed)

GODS' END (December 15)

Though one can conceive a possible worse 'un,
for a god, YHWH was not a nice person.
“Son” sent  to suffer — to die! — from somewhere above
set a helluva standard of very tough love.
(Followers offer effluent excuses,
which they claim explain these parental abuses.)
And even if “son thing” was a mistake,
odds are, as God, YHWH was fake
or a quick-on-the-trigger, Class D minor leaguer
who perceived opportunity and pursued it eagerly.
Either way the story is hard to swaller.
(And don't get me started on Muhammad's Allah.)
———————
*Cf. Porphyry

№ 747: Like Father Like Son (times two)

Donald Trump Jr killed rare endangered sheep in Mongolia with special permit

• Permit issued after meeting with country’s president
• Argali sheep considered national treasure in Mongolia

On a hunting trip to Mongolia earlier this summer the US president’s son Donald Trump Jr killed a rare species of endangered sheep. A permit for the killing was retroactively issued after Trump met with the country’s president...

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THE ENTITLED TOWER (December 12)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

I shoot sheep in the night

with a high powered rifle

With my laser sight

I ex-e-cute my kill

I shoot sheep in the night,
though the species's endangered
and I don't have a permit
it's such a thrill

For I am junior to Donald Trump
Good behavior, is just for chumps
Whate'er we choose to do, that is our right
Though my dad's getting dim, people still worship him 
and I thrill to kill in the night*
—————————
*Cf.  Church of England's Common Worship:
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, grant us peace.

№ 746: Britain Goes To The Dogs, Er, Polls

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LAND'S END (December 11)

(with apologies to E. Y. Harburg and Jay Gorney)

Boris says we are cream of the crop
and are not Euro yobs,
while Corbyn tells us put him on top,
fire capitalists and the nobs

Both parties offer ice cream and cake
saying they know THE way ahead
but whichever comes out on top
England will likely drop dead

Remember when we carried Thomas Cook
Travellers Cheques all world-round?
Today sterling begets bewildered looks, 
there's no one left respects the pound

Yesterday Britannia ruled the waves,
people found the pound sound
Tomorrow we'll be burning notes in caves
when no one will accept the pound

Now it seems as though England's under a spell
and will only further decline
And though it's deserved, it still hurts like hell
Our sun set, it doesn't shine

We can all remember when Frogs and Wogs
and Huns and Micks all bowed down
Today Kaffirs write award-winning books
but reject the prize when it's in pounds

№ 745.3: EXTRA! Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Donnie?

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MALEFICENT  REGRESSION (December 11)

(with apologies to Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)

Fe fe fi fi 
He's so dumb
He cannot walk
while he's chewing gum
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually)
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

He lies and he cheats, 
that's that's how it is
Moscow prostitutes
he watches while they whiz*
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who's always tweeting his defeats?
Who's always dampening his sheets?
Whose “berders” cause all those repeats?
Guess who? “Who, me?” Yeah, you!

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”
————————
*allegedly

№ 745.2: EXTRA! Trump Sets His Sights On Antisemitism (or does he?)

Trump’s Executive Order Against College Campuses Is Bad For The Jews

You may feel as I do that college campuses have gotten increasingly — and inexcusably — anti-Semitic in recent years. But this executive order is not “good for the Jews” as the saying goes. That’s because any anti-discrimination order by this particular president is bad for the Jews, for one simple reason: It further identifies us with an anti-democratic administration.

AND FURTHERMORE (December 11)

This policy has a serious flaw.

It prevents criticism of Israel's gun law*.

Israeli law says all guns must be licensed!

And you can only own one at a time!

When it comes to bullets,

and if you own more than fifty,

you're guilty of a serious “crime”!

There are no exceptions,

there is no appeal.

So NRA is

anti-Israel?

————————

*US conservatives like to point out that both societies are well-armed, but the similarity ends there: Israelis trust their state, and don’t fear each other

The Times Of Israel, March 1, 2018

№ 745.1: EXTRA! DO NOT Cross The Barr (a memo to the BOSS of ALL BOSSES)

William Barr suggests FBI acted in ‘bad faith’ over Russia investigation

Attorney general casts doubt on own department’s report

Donald Trump’s top law enforcement official has dismissed the FBI’s Russia investigation as a “travesty”, rejecting the findings of his own department’s watchdog that cleared it of political bias.

William Barr, the attorney general, claimed the president was the victim of a “bogus narrative” about collusion with Moscow during the 2016 election.

Barr served under Ronald Reagan and George HW Bush but has disappointed observers who hoped he would push back against Trump’s conspiracy theories and blatant lies.

ON OUR KNEES (December 11)

(with apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

Corruption and impeachment are
not for me the issue 
Should the Dems dare go that far,
I'll not let them dismiss you

Our Christian GOP is deeply steeped
in loathing things not us
We'll not allow damned liberal Dems
to harm God's chosen POTUS

Even Ronnie, who was most blessed
(may peace be upon him),
could not deliver like you do, dear Don
Praise unto you, our con man

I, Billy Barr, U.S. A.G.
will to the end defend
your corpulent excrescence,
as God doth intend