No. 323: Donnie Swings Porter (so Cohen won't sing?)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)


(Email subscribers click here.)

You'd be so easy to shove

under the bus for crimes I'm guilty of.

You seem so culpable

your convictions are guaranteed to be multiple.

You'd be so easy to frame

if you try to rat me out at my own game.

If you stick by me you may see clemency,

for you'd be, oh, so easy to shove.

Bonus track.

The Week In Rearview

The Week In Rearview 

Monday, April 23
No. 318: Donald's Impossibly Deep Thoughts On Poverty (Thinking Outside The. . .)

Tuesday, April 24
No. 319: Æthelred II (c. 968 - 23 April 1016)

Wednesday, April 25
No. 320: Doin' What Comes Natcherly?

Thursday, April 26
No. 321: All Hands In The Till Until (the outing of Otting)

Friday, April 27
No. 322: Game, Set, Match?
No. 322.1: EXTRA! House “Schultz” Committee Clears Trump Campaign
No. 322.2: EXTRA! Gott Mit Uns (or else)

No. 322.2: EXTRA! Gott Mit Uns (or else)

Guardian: Paul Ryan says decision to fire House chaplain was not political

The House speaker, Paul Ryan, has told fellow Republicans he fired the House chaplain after complaints from members that he was not doing a very good job – and not because of pressure over the Rev Patrick Conroy’s political leanings.

We want a chaplain 

who will only pray

and make anyone we 

do not like go away.

What we want is 

to try to capture

what it will be like 

after we Rapture

away to be with 

our Lord and Jesus

with seventy-two virgins (each!) 

there to “please” us.

We know that that's Muslim 

and from Sharia

but that's the sole reason we 

choose this career.

No. 322.1: EXTRA! House “Schultz” Committee Clears Trump Campaign

WaPo: HouseIntelligence Committee Republicans release final Russia report (Paywall)

House Intelligence Committee Republicans released a redacted version of their final report from a year-long probe into Russia’s “multifaceted” influence operation, generally clearing Trump and his associates of wrongdoing while accusing the intelligence community and the FBI of failures in how they assessed and responded to the Kremlin’s interference in the 2016 election.

Of course, it's a WHITE wash.

GOP's only color.

If you're looking for TRUTH,

just wait for Mueller.

No. 322: Game, Set, Match?

Guardian: 'We're doomed': Mayer Hillman on the climate reality no one else will dare mention

Global emissions were static in 2016 but the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere was confirmed as beyond 400 parts per million, the highest level for at least three million years (when sea levels were up to 20m [more than 65 feet] higher than now). Concentrations can only drop if we emit no carbon dioxide whatsoever, says Hillman. “Even if the world went zero-carbon today that would not save us because we’ve gone past the point of no return.”

Drill, baby, drill!

More fossil fuel!

Earth isn't warming,

and coal is cool.

Climate's not changing.

You know it's not!

And if it is?

Some like it hot.

We NEED our pickups,

our grand SUVs.

If this causes hiccups —

fiddle-dee-dee!

We're doing okay.

There isn't a crisis.

Buy oil today.

(Just not from ISIS.)

Build more airports,

more coal-fired plants,

make jobs, make children.

DON'T be a scaredy-pants.

Think: “The world is my oyster.”

THAT will do the trick.

That is unless shellfish
make you feel sick.

The train's left the station

so shut up and drop it.

No point complaining.

It's too late to stop it.

No. 321: All Hands In The Till Until (the outing of Otting)

REUTERS

Exclusive: Trump's bank watchdog bought financial stocks up until taking office

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump’s nominee [Joseph Otting] for Wall Street regulator Comptroller of the Currency bought financial stocks until he took office in November. . .

“Nominees are supposed to shed investments before they take office, not gamble on stocks until the last moment,” said Richard Painter, who served as ethics adviser to President George W. Bush. “If I were handling this, I would have pulled the nomination.”

A former career banker and close associate of U.S. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, Otting is one of several Trump appointees whose ties to industries they regulate have raised questions about their ability to be impartial when enforcing rules.

(MORE)

With a fox in charge of our hen house,

we cannot pretend we're surprised

when the fox feasts on our chickens.

What else would we have surmised?

No. 320: Doin' What Comes Natcherly?

Science Daily: Unprecedented wave of large-mammal extinctions linked to prehistoric humans

"It wasn't until human impacts started becoming a factor that large body sizes made mammals more vulnerable to extinction,. . .Homo sapiens are identified as a species around 200,000 years ago, so this occurred not very long after the birth of us as a species. It just seems to be something that we do.”

Wherever we go, the damage accrues

because killing things is what we do.

We eliminate big things then start on the the small,

it only ends when there's nothing at all.

Maybe someday when the meteor hits

blasting advanced civilization to bits

without all of us the Earth can start to mend.

I'd say the odds are — at best?! — one-in-ten.

Another "Thing We Do"

No. 319: Æthelred II (c. 968 - 23 April 1016)

Yesterday, Monday, April twenty-third
we let pass the day without a word
noting the death in A.D. 1016
of that most noble and regal being:
“King of the English”, Æthelred the Unready,

whose rule was long. (If not very steady.)

When Edward, his half-brother, was overthrown,
Æthelred, at ten, ascended the throne.

Then throughout his entire reign,

Æthelred ineffectively fought invading Danes,
who in those days were hard to distinguish
because they spoke and largely looked like the “English”.

____________________________

*Ethelred the Unready, also spelled Aethelred, also called Ethelred II, or Aethelred Unraed, (born 968?—died April 23, 1016, London, England), king of the English from 978 to 1013 and from 1014 to 1016. He was an ineffectual ruler who failed to prevent the Danes from overrunning England. The epithet “unready” is derived from unraed, meaning “bad counsel” or “no counsel,” and puns on his name, which means “noble counsel.”

— Encyclopædia Britannica

No. 318: Donald's Impossibly Deep Thoughts On Poverty (Thinking Outside The. . .)

While poverty (maybe) is not a crime,

the poor, even white ones, are — let's face it! — slime.

Yet, if I'm pressed I am willing to grant,

they should not lose a (low-pay) job to an immigrant.

Many say poverty is good for the soul,

in providing incentive to get off the dole.

Here, it is clear, government must play a role,

developing someway to make them eat coal.

No. 317.1: EXTRA! Sunday Sermon (The Devil On Line One)

NYT: ‘Shut Up, Satan’: Rome Course Teaches Exorcism, Even by Cellphone (Paywall)

ROME — Andrés Cárdenas sat in the back of the auditorium, opened his folder and took careful notes as a Catholic cardinal with decades of experience casting demons out of possessed bodies gave a master class on how to yell at the devil, rid Muslims of black magic and purge Satan on your cellphone.

On Tuesday, he could listen to an exorcist lecture on. . .“The Auxiliary Exorcist: Skills and Duties.”

On Wednesday, there was “Magical, Esoteric and Occult Links to Some Alternative and Energy-giving Therapies,” followed by Friday’s “The Exorcist: Life, Choices and Mistake.” But he was especially interested in Wednesday’s talk on “Witchcraft in Africa.”

So. . .THIS is what they get up to in Rome.

(Is somebody spending too much time home alone?)

Is the Vatican becoming — again! — as hysterical

as your typical U.S. Bible Belt Evangelical Clerical?

Does THE (one true) CHURCH believe it can thwart the demonical

by ripping off courses straight out of Rowling's Hogwarts chronicle?

All of this sounds, I have to confess,

like Flip Wilson's “The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress”*.

[Sidebar:
The devil can assume any disguise
Therefore, I'd say, we would be wise
to have White House and Capitol both exorcised.]

When, at last, Satan's cast out, banished and overthrown,

will she summon an Uber to take her home
by hacking the app on your smart phone?

Conclusion:
The devil will never prove as meticulous
as believers who render religion ridiculous.

[updated 4/22/2018, 1:15 pm]
____________________________

*Click here.

No. 317: File Under?

The Hill: Trump’s former attorney warned him not to trust Cohen: report
One of President Trump's former attorneys said he urged the president not to trust Michael Cohen to fully protect him, and warned that Cohen would eventually cooperate with federal prosecutors.

Chicago Tribune: What Trump doesn't understand about attorney-client privilege (Paywall)
"Attorney Client privilege is now a thing of the past," President Donald Trump tweeted Sunday morning. It was a declaration that came just five days after his earlier claim that the privilege was "dead." He was responding to a raid by FBI agents on the office and hotel room of his longtime attorney, Michael Cohen.



Email subscribers click here.

Back in New York days,

I can remember adoring fawning showered on me.

Michael's eyes would gaze at me so tender

while I was scheming. Now I can see.

If these things come to light

there'll be cause to indict

from stuff in Mike Cohen's files.

Bad stuff that will unfold

with my name stamped in gold.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

Contracts with Playboy bunnies,

old taco bowls,

laundering Russian money.

I have no soul.

Slick schemes outlined in fax

to skip all income tax.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

And when I have at last to cop a plea

I know one man who will stand by me.

Mike Cohen.

And when I'm in the penetentiary

I know who my cellmate will be.

Mike Cohen.

For a jury may convict us

and they'll throw us in a cell

but that will not restrict us saying

Bob Mueller go to hell.

Contracts with Playboy bunnies,

old taco bowls,

laundering Russian money.

I have no soul.

Slick schemes outlined in fax

to skip all income tax.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

No. 316: No Go Sh*t Eating With Donnie And Kim

Trump says 'Good relationship' formed with North Korea

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Donald Trump on Wednesday confirmed that his CIA chief secretly met with Kim Jong Un in North Korea and said “a good relationship was formed” heading into the adversaries' anticipated summit.

Kim and I are

so much the same.

That's why I call him

by his pet name.

This is good

for clearing the air

provided the name

is funny and fair —

one I can choose 

so I can abuse 
anyone, anytime and anywhere.

(Not like names

others call me

which are a disgrace

I can say honestly.)

If L'il Kim'll his missiles forsake,

I'll serve him BEW-T-FUL cake.

Then if he scraps all of his nukes,

I'll willingly lower my GIGANTIC dukes.

I'll negotiate peace, trade and so forth —

handing over the South to the North —
if Kim'll agree to curtail cheap steel.

That's what I call THE ART OF THE DEAL!

No. 315: Foreign Policy (subject to change without prior notice or, honestly, thought)

NYT: Trump Declines to Add Sanctions Against Russians, Contradicting Haley (Paywall)

WASHINGTON — President Trump rejected, for now at least, a fresh round of sanctions set to be imposed against Russia on Monday, a course change that underscored the schism between the president and his national security team.

Putin's no crook from what I can tell.

And anyway I want a Moscow hotel.

So take your damned sanctions and you go to hell.

Vlad is a lad (as I've said all along)

who knows how to govern, how to be strong.

The best we can do is just play along.

Okay, so maybe he seizes Crimea.

But what does that matter to you and to me, huh?

None of our business from what I see. Yuh.

And Eastern Ukraine? Don't be a pain.

Who cares if they lose so long as I gain?

Let the damned place go down the drain.

I am everyday wearier of this business with Syria.

Intel briefings drag on, my eyes get blearier

and I order snacks from the cafeteria.

High tariffs for China? What could be finer?

And it plays well in South Carolina.

(Driver, pull over, let's stop at that diner.)

Rocketman Kim's ridiculous trim

will be standing on end when I'm finished with him

and that will be just a prelim

to what I do on the Mexican border

to teach those Ponchos to behave as they orta.

I would not let one of THEM marry my daughter!

And here's a news flash that'll knock off your socks:

I'm outsourcing policy to my Friends at FOX.

So, you got a problem? Go see the Murdochs!

No. 314: Hey, Donnie, You Know A “Good” Lawyer?

NYT: Sean Hannity Is Named as Michael Cohen’s Client

Before Mr. Hannity’s name was revealed in the courtroom,...[Cohen's lawyer Stephen] Ryan had argued that the mysterious third client would be “embarrassed” to be identified as a client of Mr. Cohen’s.

Oh, the humanity!

Both Trump and Hannity

are clients of Michael Cohen.

FOX frenzied eruption

about Dem corruption

is next, I predict, where we're goin'.

“Yes, ‘Judge’ Kimba M. Wood

was appointed by Reagan.
(So we can assume
she's no Democrat pagan.)

BUT Bill Clinton wanted to

make her Attorney General.

If that's not a conflict

then facts are ephemeral!

“‘Judge’ Wood's ruling

revealing Sean's name

was unduly cruel,

sad, really a shame.

Have we forgotten Hillary's email?

And you should know this: 
Judge Wood is a female!

Another one of those 
damned femiNAZIs?

While we're on the subject, 
remember Benghazi!

“No one's saying Sean Hannity 
could be embarrassed

because some dumb broad 
that he never “harassed”

may have signed something 
like, maybe, an NDA.

We are certainly NOT saying at FOX 
(happily working for the Murdochs),

that's the only way girls here ever get equal pay.

“Sean just asked about real estate.

Period. Full stop. End of debate.

So, you say, 
‘If that's all, why 

be embarrassed?’

Well. . .Sean is shy.
It should be clear to you
(as it is to me),
this whole thing is
a Liberal conspiracy!”

No. 313: Paul Ryan's Farewell Address Looks To Bright GOP Future (Eyes' Only RNC Edition)

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Burton Lane and E. Y. Harburg)

On that great Re-pub-li-can Day

Won't it be fun after we've won and have things our way

Do away with anything that's gay

On that great, great Re-pub-li-can Day

Unions will be completely shut down

Voters won't be Black, Yellow or Brown

You can't abort says the Supreme Court

All you can do is stay on your

knees and pray

Glory time's comin' for to stay

On that great, great Re-pub-li-can Day

Come and get it, come and get it

Come and get it

Come and get it

Says here

Says it in the Constitution, it says

What's it say?
A might morning is nigh

Universal Healthcare denied
When we kill your coverage

You DIE

What a day for corporations

What a day for makin' workers crawl

Laughing at their lamentations

As we make 'em slavey

And rip off their balls

Says here

Bells will ring in every steeple

Gonna put the Bible

Back in school

All you white and

Gun-loving people

Forget about fair

And the Golden Rule

Says here

Come and get it

Come and get it

Come

There's gonna be a world shakin’

Deregulatin' day

Great day!

Can I hunt endangered species?

Glory to ya

Can I get pollute the Grand Canyon?

That's official

Hey do I hafta watch FOX?

Says here.

Can I get me a sniper rifle?

Sniper rifle?

Hallelujah!

On that great Re-pub-li-can Day

On that great, great Re-pub-li-can Day

Unions will be

Completely shut down

We'll have a king

Who wears a gold crown

You can't abort

Says the Supreme Court

All you can do is stay on your

knees and pray

Glory times

Comin’ for to stay

On that great, great come grab it

And keep it!

Don't share it!

Re-pub-li-can Day!

No. 312.2: EXTRA! Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission?

Dear Vlad,

If I have to bomb Syria back to the Stone Age

to keep Mueller and Comey off the front page

I hope and pray that you'll understand

and this won't interfere with your overall plan

for reconfiguring the geopolitical landscape

and please, please erase the you-know-what tape.

 

As ever,

Donnie

No. 312.1: EXTRA! What Donnie Told Comey (a dramatization)

In a phone call, Trump obsessed about the allegation he consorted with prostitutes in Moscow during Miss Universe in 2013: “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me.” 

— Guardian: The key points from James Comey's explosive book

A. number one:

pee-pee thing

has to be probed

because, you know,

I'm a germaphobe

so, therefore,

story cannot be true.

To prove it isn't

I'm counting on you.

That's me complete,

a germaphobe!,

like “The Chin”*

on the street mumbling 

and stumbling

in his bathrobe

for cops to see

he could not be

a Mafia boss

what with his mind

being long ago lost.

Vouched for (at least)

by his brother the priest

(I wonder where I

can get one of those?)

—————————————————

*For the better part of 30 years, [Vincent (“The Chin”)] Gigante feigned insanity in an effort to throw law enforcement off his trail. Dubbed "The Oddfather" and "The Enigma in the Bathrobe" by the press, Gigante often wandered the streets of Greenwich Village in his bathrobe and slippers, mumbling incoherently to himself, in what Gigante later admitted was an elaborate act to avoid prosecution.

Gigante's nickname, "The Chin", derived from his mother's use of the Italian pronunciation of his given name, Vincenzo (Vin-CHEN-zo). He had four brothers, Mario (born November 4, 1923), Pasquale A. Gigante (October 18, 1921 - January 7, 1983) and Ralph, who followed him into a life of organized crime before passing away in 1994. His last brother Louis Gigante became an ordained Roman Catholic priest at St. Athanasius Church in the South Bronx and city councilman. — Wikipedia 

No. 312: All Praising Trump (from the official HIMnal — printed in China)

Email subscribers click here.

Dis-grace is just for other folks
For I am dis-grace free
Dis-grace is if I am ac-cused
Of crim-in-al-it-y

Dis-grace is when my ego's bruised
(That's so un-fair to me)

My sex a-buse was just a joke

And not a-dul-ter-y

I bribe and bull-y, sue and bluff
Be-have out-rage-ous-ly
Before the judge, shack-elled and cuffed
I'll de-mand clem-en-cy

Dis-grace will be the fate of the late
Re-pub-li-can Par-ty
Des-troyed, dis-traught and left pros-trate
On ac-count of me

No. 311.1: EXTRA! Mr. Mueller On Line 1

WaPo: Trump’s allies worry that federal investigators may have seized recordings made by his attorney (Paywall)

Did Michael Cohen,

Trump's consigliere,

tap his own phone?

Trump toadies, be wary,

this could get scary.

No. 311: I'm Firing Mueller In The Morning (from L'Affaire Donald)

As previously reported in a TCC News exclusive, a German wax cylinder recording system installed in the White House during the Cleveland administration has continued to function unattended for over 100 years.

TCC News has once again been granted exclusive access to this recording system by informed Russian-speaking sources who requested anonymity which is fine with us since we can't spell their names anyway. This is what we heard:

(with apologies to Alan J. Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He's some dumb copper

Who thinks he's proper

No damn way I'm doing time

When I'm done tweeting in the morning

Mueller'll be finished real big time

So porn stars kissed me

He'll not dismiss me

He'll be gone and I'll be fine

I will be snacking

And saying, “Folks,

I sent him packing

The ‘collusion’ was a hoax.”

For I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He was so pompous

To think he could trump US

And he'll be gone and I'll. . .

He'll be gone and I'll. . .

For Gawd's sake, please agree that I'll be fine!

No. 310.2: EXTRA! Ready Or Not, Here I Come (Are You Ready, Vlad?)

WASHINGTON — President Trump put Syria and Russia on notice Wednesday morning in a Twitter post, promising that missiles fired at Syria “will be coming, nice and new and ‘smart!’”

     Mr. Trump has said publicly that sharing military plans could give enemies information they could use to their advantage.

— NYT: Trump Promises Strike on Syria and Warns Russia Against Backing Assad (Paywall)

Email subscribers click here.

Nuke” LaLoosh had Crash

and Reagan had Thatcher.

Problem is Donald's both

pitcher and catcher.

Tipping the batter on his next pitch,

proves he's a ignorant son of a bitch.