Friday, September 28, 2018

№ 432: The Parties Come Together (estranged bedfellows)

Remember when Republicans said,
“Sex, except in the marital bed,
was grievously sinful and therefore forbidden
and that such sin should never be hidden.?

Remember when only Democrats thought
love and/or sex should be openly sought
provided so doing caused no pollution
and did not screw with the Constitution?

Thursday, September 27, 2018

№ 431: Better Yet, Leave It To Brett!


Judge Kavanaugh mentioned Renate Dolphin on his yearbook page, his lawyer said, because of one high school event they attended together “and nothing else.” Address and some names have been obscured.
New York Times

Oh, what a rascal
that Eddie Haskell* was
Smarmy polite,
with grown-ups in sight.
Otherwise, a deceiver.
He never fooled Mrs. June Cleaver.

His kind brings to mind
Brett Kavanaugh
who is also adept
at bending the law
of decency and of civility.
Denying all culpability.

When it comes time, 
the Senate, one hopes 
though underachievers 
will be Mrs. Cleaver's.
______________
*Eddie was known for his neat grooming—hiding his shallow and sneaky character. Typically, Eddie would greet his friends' parents with overdone good manners and often a compliment such as, “That's a lovely dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver. However, when no parents were around, Eddie was always up to no good—either conniving with his friends or picking on Wally's younger brother, Beaver. Eddie's duplicity was also exemplified in his efforts to curry favor by trying to talk to adults at the level he thought they would respect, such as referring to their children as Theodore (Beaver's much-disliked given name) and Wallace, even though the parents called them Beaver and Wally.

An untrustworthy wise guy, Eddie could be relied upon to concoct and instigate schemes with his friends, schemes for which they would be in the position of blame if (and frequently when) they were caught.  Wikipedia

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

№ 430 Bonus—CORRECTION

Due to an editing error the link for email subscribers was incorrect. 

Email subscribers click here.

Back when our Brett was very young,
he was well built and so well hung
that all the girls loved what they saw,
they saw of raw Brett Kavanaugh.

He was pure steel he used to say

and with the girls he had his way.
Young prep school girls all stood in awe,
undid their bras for Kavanaugh.

The trail that he blazed is still there.

No one has dared since to disgrace his name.
If they ever tried he'd snigger,
They failed to figure I have no shame.

If this dishonor joins the court

there will be only one resort:
from Amazon to get a get a gun
and join the rev, Rev-o-lu-shun.

№ 430: Kavanaugh (and so many others) Explained

A man born to privilege
need never apologize
for anything — EVER! — at all.
What with this birthright
wrong is his right,
summer, spring, winter and fall.

As you may be aware
we do not really care
to be egalitarian
with vulgarian carrion.
Who, please excuse me,
DO NOT amuse me.

We Libertarians
despise proletarians.
They 
are in our way.
We 
expect respect.
They 
DO NOT genuflect.
A failing, we pray,
Judge K will correct.

BONUS:

Email subscribers click here.

Back when our Brett was very young,
he was well built and so well hung
that all the girls loved what they saw,
they saw of raw Brett Kavanaugh.

He was pure steel he used to say
and with the girls he had his way.
Young prep school girls all stood in awe,
undid their bras for Kavanaugh.

The trail that he blazed is still there.
No one has dared since to disgrace his name.
If they ever tried he'd snigger,
They failed to figure I have no shame.

If this dishonor joins the court
there will be only one resort:
from Amazon to get a get a gun
and join the rev, Rev-o-lu-shun.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

№ 429: Brett Kavanaugh, He Will Deliver

(with apologies to author unknown)

Rip the Court asunder,
tear up settled law,
trash all rights and justice,
hide 'em in a drawer.
If you liked Steve Bannon,
you'll like Brett still more.
Worstest calamity
that you ever saw.

Girls run and hide.
Freedom go and shiver:
Brett Kavanaugh'll
sell us down river.
Oh, he's a sex abuser
and an All-Pro fabulator.
Oh, he's Christian bully,
an abortion liquidator.
He can't shake an honest hand
or look you in the eye.
But Trump wants him on the court.
Country's gonna die.

Email subscribers click here.

Monday, September 24, 2018

№ 428: The Law And Brett Kavanaugh (an immaculate deception?)


Deborah Ramirez, who attended Yale with Kavanaugh, has described a drunken party during which genitals were thrust in her face

Whatever Brett did
when he was a teen,
if it wasn't this stuff,
it was just as obscene.
THAT isn't the question!

BUT what he WILL do
if he's on the court
where everyone knows
he'll tack hard from port,
completing the Christian concession.
A Diós passive aggression.

A judge must be fair
an impartial umpire.
That is, after all,
what his job requires.
He must never consider
his likes and dislikes.
He has to show how
to call balls and strikes.

Friday, September 21, 2018

№ 427: A Doubters' (S)Creed

Cut through
the hullabaloo!
Don't believe anything
not demonstrably true.
That includes,
not incidentally,
religion and theories
on the economy.
Having said that,
I'm willing own
there is one truth
that's sublime:
two plus two
is ALWAYS four!
I think.
Most of the time.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

№ 426.2: EXTRA! A Very Stable Genius? (hold your horses)



One the eve of his trip to the Carolinas to survey the damage from Hurricane Florence, President Trump appeared in a video in which he described the storm as “one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water.”


Rain wet.
Snow cold.
Diet Coke.
Hair gold.
Me Donald.
You Jane.
You listen.
Me 'splain.
Jeff Sessions
stick craw.
Me like
Kavanaugh
know how
have fun
grab grope
run run.
Stormy Daniels.
Very meanest
Say I have
funny penis.
Me win
victory!
Why people
mean to me?
Unfair.
Don't care.
I have
great hair.

№ 426.1: EXTRA! No WiffenPOOFS* Need Apply (Bah, Bah, Bah!)



Guardian learns Amy Chua said she would advise students on their physical looks to help win post in Kavanaugh’s chambers

If ya gotta have bitches
as your law clerks —
which, by the way, is ridiculous —
I see no reason not to require
that every one is meticulous-
ly groomed and sexily dressed,
with good looks conspicuous and great figure blessed
and must do always and solely at my behest
what I request which, as you may have guessed,
may include staring at breasts,
lest they desire their careers be suppressed.

This is just how this system works.
It is no coincidence all my guy clerks
look like and act like and are total jerks.
I chose each one of them specifically
because he seemed so like a mini-me.

*Wiffenpoofs

№ 426: The Lion's Share

I, 
as king of beasts, 
insist
grazers exist 
for my nourishment
and, furthermore, 
my competition —
leopards, 
jackals
cheetahs,
wild dogs 
and hyenas —
merit the punishment 
that I dish out 
and, putting is plainly, 
must be wiped out.*

You entertain
a different belief?
Here's what I say,
“Talk to the teeth.

File following Disney lie under isn't-it-pretty-to-think-so.


Email subscribers click here.
___________________
*Cf. Carthago delenda est — Cato the Elder

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

№ 425: Trump And Putin (or Methinks the Laddie Doth Protest Too Much)

(with apologies to Jimmy Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn)

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.
That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.
This I tell you, brother,
we'd not have one without the other.
Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.
That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.
If you ask James Comey,
he'll say things were awfully homey.
Try, try, try to separate them.
It's an illusion.
Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:
they're in collusion.
Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.
That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.
Lackeys duck and run for cover,
but just flip one, the others come,
one crook ratting out another.
Try, try, try to separate them.
It's an illusion.
Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:
they're in collusion.
Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.
That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.
Lackeys duck and run for cover,
but just flip one, the others come,
one crook ratting out another.

Guilty!



Email subscribers click here.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

№ 424.1 EXTRA! The Prosecution Rests

This is too easy,
it seems to me.
Do I detect
a guilty plea?

(And this is a guy 
who's allegedly smart?!
Imagine when Mueller
rips Donald apart.)



Email subscribers click here.

[updated 9/18/2018 7:22 pm]

№ 424: Q-Tips For Brains


“Your President needs your help,” writes Q in one “Q drop” — that’s what Q’s followers, or “bakers,” call each bread crumb. . .But Q balances fear-mongering with notes of reassurance. . .The president’s behavior is merely a ruse. The good guys are secretly in control, and they are going to win.

Has anyone anywhere
the slightest clue
as to the identity 
of Anonymous Q,
the web boaster posting
crumb-bull-lying cavil
that even a Ouija board
could not unravel?

Naive belief, while
not harmful as such,
has never been known
help all that much.
Too many act on
crap that they read.
Frightened, herd animals
tend to stampede.

Monday, September 17, 2018

№ 423.3: EXTRA! So In Awe Of Kavanaugh



Alumnae of the Holton-Arms School in Bethesda, Maryland, circulated a letter Monday in support of Christine Blasey Ford, a graduate of the private girls school who alleged that she was sexually assaulted by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh when they were both in high school.

Kavanaugh and accuser to both testify.
Reboot Hill - Thomas: She Says, He Lies”?
(I've heard it said,
and this no joke,
Donald asked Clarence
where he gets his Coke.)


№ 423.2: EXTRA! Encore! Encore! Even More On Kavanaugh

The Church of Rome advocates, without hesitation,
this wonderful trick: “mental reservation”*.
Without blushing, lies you can tell
when you require that truth be withheld
and never worry about going to hell.
While I do not wish to be critical,
N.B. Kavanaugh's prep school was Jesuitical.
_______
*According to the common Catholic teaching it is never allowable to tell a lie, not even to save human life. A lie is something intrinsically evil, and as evil may not be done that good may come of it, we are never allowed to tell a lie. However, we are also under an obligation to keep secrets faithfully, and sometimes the easiest way of fulfilling that duty is to say what is false, or to tell a lie. Writers of all creeds and of none, both ancient and modern, have frankly accepted this position. They admit the doctrine of the lie of necessity, and maintain that when there is a conflict between justice and veracity it is justice that should prevail. The common Catholic teaching has formulated the theory of mental reservation as a means by which the claims of both justice and veracity can be satisfied. — The Catholic Encyclopedia

[updated 9/17/2018 3:13
 pm]

№ 423.1: EXTRA! Lighting Fools The Way To Dusty Death


Dying 16 September in 1498:
Tomás de Torquemada,
first Grand Inquisitor.

That his methods may now 
seem somewhat quaint,
why should that stop him 
from becoming a saint?
In his day he was sort of okay.
That's what they say in 

Though it might pose a problem 
with Israel's Chief Rabbinate,
he'd be a near perfect fit
for Donald Trump's cabinet.

№ 423: Breaking Brett?

WSJBrett Kavanaugh Accuser Comes Forward About Alleged Sexual Assault (Paywall)


Allegation of decades-old incident comes days before Senate panel votes on the Supreme Court nominee


WSJ: Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh Denies Allegation of Sexual Misconduct (Paywall)

Judiciary Committee Chairman Sen. Chuck Grassley (R., Iowa) on Friday released a letter from 65 women who knew Judge Kavanaugh when he attended high school between 1979 and 1983.

“For the entire time we have known Brett Kavanaugh, he has behaved honorably and treated women with respect. We strongly believe it is important to convey this information to the Committee at this time,” the women said in the letter.


Brett Kavanaugh was your typical preppy,

having taken and passed the birth test.

Pedigreed preppies never drink underage

and what is more they're allergic to sex.
Brett's very first time was his wedding bed
where Brett and the missus just talked instead.

And, really, so what,
if, long, long ago,
Brett attempted a rape
and just scored a grope?
So long as Brett sticks to
his pro-lifer views,
everything else
is yesterday's news.

Brett'll be better,
trust us, we promise,
even then pubic-hair Coke
Justice Thomas.
Not only is Brett
far, far more right,
although Brett's a Catholic,
he's also more white.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

The Week In Rearview (September 16, 2018)

Monday, September 10
№ 418: A Nonny Mouse (or FEAR itself)
A Letter To The Editor of The @FailingTimes:

Tuesday, September 11
№ 419: A Trumpestuous Earworm
Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.

Wednesday, September 12
№ 420: GOP Labor Strategy (or why Dems can't win)
We were never in favor
of organized labor.

Thursday, September 13
№ 421: The FOX In The Penthouse
FOX News

Friday, September 14
№ 422: Fake Out Your Dead
Despite evidence showing nearly 3,000 people were killed, US president tweets that figure is scheme ‘to make me look bad’

№ 422.1: EXTRA! Manafort Overboard! (White House reacts)
Prosecutor announces arrangement during hearing in Washington DC where Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges

№ 422.2: EXTRA! Courting Disaster?
“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation,” the judge said in a written statement released through the White House. “I did not do this back in high school or at any time.”


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Friday, September 14, 2018

№ 422.2: EXTRA! Courting Disaster?


“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation,” the judge said in a written statement released through the White House. “I did not do this back in high school or at any time.”

I never touched her!
Well, maybe a bit.
But it was an accident!
AND she asked for it!
Acting all flirty,
batting her eyes.
Girls gotta know
what that does to guys.
I say I am innocent.
I am not a beast.
I never considered
becoming a priest.

This charge against me
is a total joke.
A “Who put the pubic
hair in my Coke?”.

[updated 9/14/2018 5:13 pm]

№ 422.1: EXTRA! Manafort Overboard! (White House reacts)



Prosecutor announces arrangement during hearing in Washington DC where Manafort pleaded guilty to two criminal charges

Batten the hatches!
Get FOX to distort!
Manafort overboard!
We're headed to court.

How do we deal with this?
Is Rudy equipped
to do a plea deal
now that Paul's flipped?

Can I escape
disguised as Melanie?
Hand me a pen
so I can pardon me.

It's in my power,
like it or not.
And if you don't,
I'll have you shot
just like Vlad can
in Russia, you see?
I don't know how she did it,
but I blame Hil-a-ry.

№ 422: Fake Out Your Dead

Guardian: Trump falsely claims Hurricane Maria death toll was made up by Democrats

Despite evidence showing nearly 3,000 people were killed, US president tweets that figure is scheme ‘to make me look bad’

“Jose” y “Juan”, “Marisol” y “Camila”:
none of  ‘em died because of Maria.
The Dems. . .so SAD and characteristic. . .
inflated enormously my co-wrecked statistic
using fake names they'd placed on fake voter rolls,
fake voters created to fake out fake polls.
And, folks, I gotta tell ya, take it from me,
these fake voters fake voted for fake Hilary.















If a hurricane hits, I swear by my jowls,
I will come visit and toss paper towels.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

№ 421: The FOX In The Penthouse

What is the difference —
explain please, I implore! —
between FOX News
and InfoWars:
distorted views
reported as news.
What is their excuse?
Am I being obtuse?

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

№ 420: GOP Labor Strategy (or why Dems can't win)

We were never in favor
of organized labor.
“Working” people are mugs.
And unlike their bosses,
these “labor forces”
only do down-market drugs.
They think beer is dandy.
They do not drink brandy.
Meth suits them fine.
They don't do lines
off strippers' humongous juggs.

We slander, we pander, we gerrymander.
On top of that there's our FOX propaganda.
We've not the splinterest
concern for their interests.
We'd crush them underfoot
if they were slugs
and if they see this
we say, “It's those damned elitists
who, as per usual,
see you as chumps”
and they'll hang tough
with our Donald Trump.



Tuesday, September 11, 2018

№ 419: A Trumpestuous Earworm

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.
Squawk about how it's always you.
There never was no one who ever had more fun.
And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk Art Of The Steal, squawk my sex appeal.
Squawk about my being on the make.
Squawk about Roy Cohn teaching me to lie.
Squawk about my cronies on the take.

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.
Squawk about how it's only you.
There never was no one who ever had more fun.
And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk about a star —you know who of porn —
lured to your ginormous, gaudy suite.
Get her all undressed, compliment her breasts.
Damn it, buddy, but your life's too sweet.

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.
Squawk about how it's only you.
There never was no one who ever had more fun.
And there's no one I can't screw.

Squawk about this boy saying to that star,
“Golly, baby, I'm a lucky cuss.”
Look her in the eye, grab her juicy p@#s,
“I just wish Ivanka could see us.”

Scrappy squawk, keep squawking scrappy squawk.
Squawk about how it's only you.
There never was no one who ever had more fun.
And there's no one I can't screw.

Democrats ain't happy
and they really wanna scream,
but what I've done they can't undo.




Email subscribers click here.


Monday, September 10, 2018

№ 418: A Nonny Mouse (or FEAR itself)

A Letter To The Editor of The @FailingTimes:

Dear Editor, 
Herewith, let me make clear
that I am NOT  “Anonymous”;
that I never have been — EVER! — in bed
with a RINO
(or a hippopotamus);
that I support conflicting views 
of administration's extremist economists
on Federal Reserve forever remaining 
(or not) 
completely and wholly, entirely autonomous;
that GOP programs on reg-u-lay and tax-ay-tion
with freedom and growth are synonymous;
and that if Trump's trade wars bankrupt our farmers. . .
well, who cares, they're dirt-y agronomists.

Furthermore,
I feel compelled
to say no one's rebelled
against President Trump  —  who's totally swell
and as a leader is unprincipled, er unparalleled.   

All the same,
please, don't print my name
lest you aspire to get me expelled.
Sincerely yours,
NAME WITHHELD

Sunday, September 9, 2018

The Week In Rearview (September 9, 2018)

Monday, September 3 (email edition not sent due to transmission error)
№ 413: Originalism! 
Remember when
the only folks voting
were rich white men?

№ 413.1: EXTRA! Originalism (more)

An originalist
can discern the gist
of just what James Madison thought

Tuesday, September 4

№ 414: Ye Gods!
What if Adam hadn't met Eve?
Would human beings ever have been conceived?

№ 414.1: EXTRA! Jeff Sessions — the AG and the conspiracy
Sept. 3, 2018

In a pair of tweets sent midafternoon, Mr. Trump suggested that the Justice Department should not have brought charges against two “very popular” Republican lawmakers running for re-election so close to November because it could jeopardize the party’s control of the House.

№ 414.2: EXTRA! Rudy's Ex Penning A Book (will the subtitle be "Yes, He's A Crook"?)
New York Pest: Rudy Giuliani’s ex to pen tell-all book about him and his career

№ 414.13: EXTRA! Keep Psalm And Carry On? 
How long, O GOP?

Wednesday, September 5
№ 415: Why Satirize?
Even in Latin, even in Greek,
all satire is is a frustrated shriek.

№ 415.1: EXTRA! A Pence Sharia Accomplice
Islamic Aceh district rules only married or related couples can eat out at the same table

№ 415.2: EXTRA! The Unraveled Sleave Of I Don't Much Care (a Trump meditation on treachery most foul)
NYT: I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration 

Thursday, September 6

№ 416: Oh The Humanity!
The Humane Society always says that

№ 416.1: EXTRA! Sparrow Us
Top officials including vice president and secretary of state disavow anonymous New York Times column describing internal effort to contain President Trump

№ 416.2: EXTRA!  A Pensive Denial
BBC: Does 'lodestar' guide us to anti-Trump op-ed author? 

Friday, September 7

№ 417: Old Time Religion
What IS God's problem?

Saturday, September 8
№ 417.1: EXTRA! Go Fry An Amalekite? (or playing the ultimate trump card)
“God wants 'em dead!”


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