№ 498: Trump Taunts Nancy Pelosi

(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

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Impeach me, just try it Nancy, just do

Impeach me, you'll find it too hard to do

Just one tweet from me

My nutso fans will descend

As I wink and smile they'll

Turn DC on its end

They love all the many louts about me

Above all, they quash all doubts about me

Though I'm a naughty baby

They'll defend me if you stage a coup

I'll win then I'll impeach you

№ 497: The Trump Waltz

(with apologies to Alec Wilder, Morty Palitz and Bill Engvick)

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Trump must build a wall

cuz he's mad

build it super tall

cuz he's sad

“None can refuse

greatness must last

we win they lose

there is no past”

Though it must be just

for today

like Ozymandias

you might say

So great the lies

no one's surprised

this is our demise

it's so sad

“None can refuse

greatness must last

we win they lose

there is no past”

Walls you know are just

for today
they're just made of dust

and of clay

So great his lies

no one's surprised

that the country dies

cuz he's mad

Ozymandias II | by Bill Sargent

№ 496: A Matter Of Decree — The President Addresses The Nation (tomorrow the world?)

Due to the flaws

in all of our “laws”

the best people agree

I should rule by decree.

Since I, alone,

know what is best,

I told Congress,

“Give it a rest.”

Steve Miller tells me

I have the power.

Therefore, commencing

at this precise hour

every American —

everywhere, everyday —

must forever do

whatever I say.

I've shut down the courts.

You cannot appeal.

If you need to know more

read The Art Of The Deal.

The Federal Reserve

I've ordered to close.

I will not tolerate

being opposed.

Media outlets?

Sealed with large locks.

Except Murdoch papers

and stations of FOX.

To the police:

fire at will.

Specifically:

shoot solely to kill.

Henceforth, so my glory
is rightly displayed:
each year on my birthday,
a BIGLY a parade
in every city, 
village and town.
And if people insist
I'll accept the crown.

All appearing before me

will have to kneel.

Forehead on floor

I think ideal.

Mike Pence resigned

so he could. . .whatever. . .

He is not needed,

we gods live forever.

№ 495.1: EXTRA! Spurring Partner

NYT : Did a Queens Podiatrist Help Donald Trump Avoid Vietnam? (Paywall)

Elysa Braunstein said the implication from her father was that Mr. Trump did not have a disqualifying foot ailment. “But did he examine him? I don’t know,” she said.

For decades, Dr. Braunstein saw patients in a congested ground-floor office below Edgerton Apartments in Jamaica, Queens, one of dozens of buildings owned by the Trumps in the 1960s.

TCC NEWS EXCLUSIVE! Theatrical Cement Company News, the parent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively obtained the doctor's note future president Donald Trump presented to his draft board which then found him unfit to serve in the military. Some experts declared off the record and not for attribution that if Mr. Trump is still suffering from this painfully serious and totally debilitating condition, it would render him unfit to serve as president.

Dr. Blaustein's note, written on Trump Company stationary,  reads as follows:

Please excuse bearer

from military service

he has bone spurs

and guns make him nervous.

In addition to which

his daddy's a rich

real estate gent

who lowered my rent.

№ 495: White House Christmas Mourning (a TCC News EXCLUSIVE!)

Donnie knew he was good. (Despite what he did.)

Down where it counted, deep in his soul.

So he was happy on Christmas Day

to find in his stocking a large lump of coal

delivered by Santa in his diesel pickup

with eight tiny reindeer, field-dressed and trussed up.

Donnie imagined the only thing cooler:

instead of reindeer, Khashoggi'd Bob Mueller.

№ 494: A Trumpy Little Christmas

New York Magazine: Donald Trump Hates Christmas Parties

One person close to the White House told me, “It makes perfect sense” that Trump hates the entire production surrounding Christmas, “because it’s not about him!” This person added, “If it were about him, he’d love it. Christmas is not about him.”

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane)

Have yourself a miserable Christmas

I can't really see

Any good in celebrating anything but me

Have yourself a miserable Christmas

Make the Yuletide gay

Tell Mike Pence that is not a word I say

We're going back to beholden days

People-sold-in days before

Democrats who are Socialists

cared about “the poor”

Someday soon I will build a wall

If Nancy will allow

Until then I'll keep immigrants at bay somehow

And they'll have a miserable Christmas now.

№ 493: A Christmas Heath

Lear on the heath

had he tweeted on Twitter

would he in his grief

been as bitter

as Donald 
at Mar a Lago:

“Alone, all alone,

alone at the Yule!

Force-ed to play

the King and the Fool.
My Kingdom for
a news embargo,
with no MSNBC
to criticize me.
On them the pox.
I love my FOX.
They know I rule.
They are my Fool.”

№ 492.4: EXTRA! Happy Holidays From Donald J. Trump

Guardian: Trump's 'Merry Christmas' pledge fails to manifest at his own businesses

Despite railing against political correctness, the word ‘Christmas’ is curiously absent from Trump’s stores, restaurants and hotels

Trump International hotel and tower, half a mile from Trump Tower, has used the term Christmas three times on Twitter in the past eight years. It has used “holidays”, in relation to the season, more than a dozen times.

Trump Tower has similarly betrayed the president’s hardline Christmas stance. “Happy Holidays from Trump Tower!” the building’s Twitter feed exhorted in December 2016 – a month after Trump’s election victory should have represented the final blow in the Christmas war. It has used the phrase twice this month alone.

Why the bother?

What is the fuss?

What's the big deal

about — is it — Christmas?

Some guy gets born

in some stable shed?

He was a foreigner

and now he's dead?!
So he's some sort of hero?
I'm sorry, I've
got a preference 
for heroes alive.

[updated 12/23/2018 3:33 pm]

№ 492.3: EXTRA! Trumperica The Vaudeville

My supersize outrageous lies
my pyrite towers tall
my regal illegalities
my hands are not that small
I'm Donald Trump, I'm Donald Trump
I'm Donald Trump that's me
It's understood I am no good
ask Nancy Pelosi

Oh beautiful for Patriot dream
they are my favorite team
I think it's neat
the way they cheat
you know what I mean
America America
you're heading for a fall
and with me as President
you had best call Saul

№ 492.2: EXTRA! Pence Pensive (a Macbeth moment)

Stocks commencing their Great Donald Dive
got Mike Pence thinking, “Lan sakes alive.
These market slips, stumbles and dips. . .
I don't know. . .could it be. . .Apocalypse?
Is there a fifth horseman — with enormous hips! —
not mentioned in Ravings of St. John the Demented
bringing woe GREAT and unprecedented?

“With him condemned and me righteously saved
has my path to the White House already been paved?
I, after all, do the Lord's work,
while Donald is, let's face it, a jerk.
‘President Pence’? Ascendant. Resplendent.
Time to invoke that fatal amendment?”

[updated 12/22/2018 12:05 am]

№ 492.1: EXTRA! It's Now Or Never (Taking A Chance On Pence)

Amendment XXV
Section 4.
Whenever the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President.

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It's now or never

so come on Pence

you gotta face it

you're not that dense

Tomorrow will be to late

It's now or never

you just can't wait

You may be right wing

and maybe crazy

but you're not Donald

who's whoops-a-daisy

We need a lifeline

and now is the right time

you're our best chance

and it may be the last

It's now or never

so come on Pence

you gotta face it

you're not that dense

Tomorrow will be to late

It's now or never

you just can't wait

Use the amendment

so you can replace Trump

God does not want you

to sit on your rump

So organize it

gather your nerve

you know full well

he's unfit to serve

It's now or never,

so come on Pence

you gotta face it

you're not that dense

Tomorrow will be to late

It's now or never

you just can't wait

№ 492: Cheat Charity (it's the fraud that counts)

Guardian: Trump Foundation to shut down after lawsuit exposes ‘pattern of illegality’

Trump had used the charity to pay off legal settlements within his business and even to buy a painting of himself to hang in one of his golf clubs.

Today we've only a very short “pome”.

For Donald Trump, charity began at home.

And to be truthful, honest and fair

we do have to note it also stayed there.

№ 491.1: EXTRA! The Cheese Stands Alone

I don't need generals.
Except for the pomp.
I don't need anyone.
I'm Donald Trump.

The Fed raises rates.
The market collapses.
Nothing I did.
Not even perhapses.

A woman, a country?
You rule one, you screw one.
If you're not happy,
you want a new one.

I inhale hairspray
in fine aerosol
which O-zones my brain
to want a wall.

[updated 12/20/2018 10:25 pm]

№ 491: The Pre-Fossil's Creed

“Sic transit gloria, abandon all hope,”

is writ large on the wall when you're born.

Nevertheless, some of us manage to cope 

while others take up religion or other op-

iates, and thereby give cause for Marxists to scorn.

Religion and Socialists imagine perfections,

concocting all sorts of lovely confections

which, on inspection, never reflect

anything anyone sane would erect.

These inveterate optimists should be sent to a shrink so

they'll stop making up things “pretty to think so”.

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

Email subscribers click here.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)

№ 489: The Art Of The Con by Trump, Donald John (Cohn densed edition)

My political secret, 

let me tell you,

I lie all I like 

insisting it's true.

I ignore evidence.

I dismiss facts.

I attack fiercely.

I always hit back. 

Negative news?

Opposing views?

I reply,

“Obvious ruse.”

I abuse.  

I accuse.

I cannot lose.

If you want to succeed in today's politics
forget about yesterday's old dirty tricks.

No need to hoodwink.
Be crude and uncouth.
My people think

I'm telling the truth.

№ 488: How Democracy Could Be Made To Work (an Ayn Randy/Jim-Dandy/Koch Bros Ideal)

Do not try to tell me democracy works!

You like being governed by losers and jerks?

Said Jefferson 😇, “God” created men equal 😉.

In the beginning. We're in the sequel.

Which — no surprise — is appalling flawed. 

Presents for peasants! I mean, Good Lord!

S-l-o-o-o-o-w, low IQ beggars and debtors

who think they're better than us, their betters,

and, stubborn, refuse to yield to our will

which leaves us no option. Other than kill.

THAT sort of democracy would be an improvement.

As after a blockage is a bowel movement.

№ 487.1: etc EXTRA! Obamacare Repeal (Finally?)

WSJ: Federal Judge Rules Affordable Care Act Is Unconstitutional Without Insurance-Coverage Penalty

The ruling injects uncertainty into the health-care coverage of millions 😄

As reported in The Daily Dog on Friday, July 21, 2017: 
CXIV: Health Insurance (the GOP view)

What IS the bother? Why all this FUSS?
The uninsured do not vote for us!
They are not our concern. Why should we cry?
It is so much simpler to just watch them die.

№ 487: Cheery Thought

Say what you will and do what you must,
at the end of the day, your destiny's dust.
High time we recognize come end of game,
meteor hits and we're all the same:
billionaires, paupers, soldiers, civilians;
mammals, birds, flowers, fishes, reptilians;
bacteria, viruses, all plants, all creatures;
ants, beetles, cockroaches. Sunday School teachers.
In the long run no one survives anyhow,
the problem's surviving the here and the now.
Every day is the how and the why
you learn to arrange that other things die.
Your purpose in living, your reason for being?
Generating unending streams of some genes. 

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and here.

№ 486: Non, Je ne regrette rien

Guardian: From fixer to inmate: Michael Cohen reckons with his 'blind loyalty' to Trump

The president’s former right-hand man was tearful as he accepted his three-year sentence: ‘I deserve that pain’

To hear Cohen tell it – breaking down in tears – he was a man undone by loyalty to Trump.

I know this may strike people as odd

but I actually thought Donald was God.

He, to us mortals, seems arbitrary

and being near him can be very scary —

all the demanding and pouting and shouting.

What, I now wonder, kept me from doubting

that he could be the Divinity?

Was it the generous salary,

which he (albeit) reluctantly offered

when I burnt offerings humbly proffered?

Or, in other words

№ 485: A (no longer) Private Transaction

I must tell you fock

there's no law I brock.

Was Cohen (“The Flipper”)

that dealt with the stripper,

if something's illegal,

he takes the heat.

Nothing — heh, heh! — 

can get laid at MY feet.

(When I typed “feet”,

bone spurs were awocken.

It hurts real bad,

so I'm gonna sock 'em.)

As you may be aware

in my legal affairs

I'm always Punch*,
to my lawyer's Judy†.

That's just how it is —

the way I do biz.

I needs me my booty.
Just go ask Rudy.

___________
^*Punch. . .the chief figure in the Punch-and-Judy puppet show. Brutal, vindictive, and deceitful, he is usually at odds with authority. — Encyclopædia Britanica
†Judy. . .brutalized wife of the hunchbacked Punch. — Ibid.

№ 484: Hale To The Chief (of staff)

The Chief of Staff is a political appointee of the President who does not require Senate confirmation, and who serves at the pleasure of the President. Although not a legally required role, incoming presidents since Truman have appointed a chief of staff. — Wikipedia, White House Chief of Staff

CHIEF of MY staff?

Don't make me laugh.

It is my firm belief

(“BELIEF”, NOT  “conviction”,

NO COLLUSION, that's fiction)

only I can be CHIEF.

Maybe if we call it First Flunky

and had someone so feeble that I look hunky?

Someone who, faithful and loyal,

would bow down before me like I was a royal

as I wheel and deal making everything foggy.

I don't want a chief! I want a doggy!

And one other thing,

don't call him “King”.

№ 483: A Visit Too Ridiculous

(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Tis two weeks before Christmas and thru' the White House

Donald is “roaring”. He sounds like a mouse,
squeakily tweeting, “This is not fair!”

and blusters bravado: “THEY WOULDN'T DARE!”;

Melania snuggles alone in her bed

while Secret Service wish they could be elsewhere instead;

Little Trump thumbs poised, ready to tap,

Trump “giant” brain conjuring incredible crap,

when on the South Lawn a colossal clatter,

Donald drops his Big Mac to see what is the matter.

He flies to the window, altho' bathrobe clad

and hobbled by bone spurs, which hurt really bad.

What wailing of sirens! What flashing of lights!

Thru' the bullet-proof pane what a horrible sight.

There on the lawn, bullhorn in hand,

stands Robert Mueller. Just. As he planned.

№ 482: Olde Tyme Christmas Rhyme (what old Republicans' wish)

Mueller is coming.

We are nearly numb,
weary from squirming

under Trump's small thumb.

Can't speak “on the record”.

However, nonetheless,

in our heart of hearts we wish

Mueller all success.

№ 481: Trump Gives Himself Another A+

Good looking women 

disrobe real quick
and I “forget”
I'm germaphobic.

My sperm are so potent

they overcome pills.
I don't use condoms,

I thrill to the spills.

How to account for
my massive appeal?
It's parcel and part of
my art. They all squeal!

№ 480: Gratuity Included

Will GOP realize

(sooner or later)

their glorious leader's

a would be dictator?

Unlike Kim and Putin,

two whoms he admires,

he can't really kill.

(Barely can fire.)

Never in person,

he shirks dirty work.

He is that witch he is.

Which is a jerk.

A jerk who falls short (😉).

Who tweets tommyrot.

Whose dictatorship's

not even tin-pot.

Our country's future
indeed would look bleak.
Were it not for the fact
he's so very weak. 

№ 479: FOX News Position

WaPo: President Trump’s full Washington Post interview transcript, annotated (paywall)

I have a gut, and my gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me.

So inside is FOX with
our White House chum,

we could ™ the slogan

“News From Trump's Tum”.

There's lots of stuff

we deserve credit for.

FOX is much more than
a network of predators.

№ 478: Donald Defends MBS

If you think MBS
is a reprobate*,

you don't know
New York/New Jersey
real estate.

Jared and I,

we can relate.

However, others

are hard to convince
it's in U.S. interest
to stick with the Prince

and refrain from denouncing
murdering journalists.

Or his killing dozens, scores,
TEN THOUSAND† civilians.

(Most of them Yemeni women and children.)

With made-in-America expensive munitions.

No disputation.
MBS is good for our nation.

And, did I mention

that in due course

together we'll build
Persian Gulf courses?
With these resources —

Trump brand, Saudi money —

in sandy Riyadh,
it'll be sunny.

(Until, that is,
the revolution
when Saudis apply
their Wahhabi solution
and we re-ally
with our old pal Iran
to contain
our Saudi friends'
Islamist plan.

And so it goes.
Keeps us on our toes.)

_________________

*ARCHAIC•CHRISTIAN THEOLOGY (especially in Calvinism) a sinner who is not of the elect and is predestined to damnation.
†gross underestimate

№ 477: "Many can't go there; and many would rather die."

                                    Melania's Handmaiden Xmas                  Nick Pappas/Twitter

With looming red masses of GOP trees

increasing the size of our current unease,

given our present states of distress,
this could be last Xmas in the U.S.

Twenty-nineteen may find us the subjects

of a new nation, The Trump “Republic”

with new Constitution and new Bill of Rights,

making certain it's not only Xmas that's white.

And in the stead of the red, white and blue,
this hideous thing with an orangey hue.